Young Writers Society

Oh wow. This is...incredible. I have never been able to put how my depression feels into a piece of writing, but you captured it perfectly. Your word choice was incredible. The only thing I can see is in the 15th (?) line, where you say "I am going deeper till..." there should be an apostrophe before "till," since it is a shorter way to say "until." Other than thay, beautiful, beautiful job!

Hi there, my name is JellyRose and I'm here to review. I'm not going to really talk about writing style, as everyone else seems to have done that. But I want to talk about the emotions. I was diagnosed with depression and reading this is basically how I feel on most days. This line in particular sticks out to me, "Although the tightening pain is a brute force on my body.", I relate to that all too well. There's so much wrong with me, but I allow it to continue. And basically everything here is relatable that it worries me lol. But anyway, I did love this piece, and thank you for writing it. I hope to read more from you soon!

This is so true. I only have minor depression and only experienced a particularly crippling moment on my way home from my grandmother's funeral, but this is exactly how depression feels. You think such deep thoughts, but you can't feel anything, can't do anything. You have this pit in your stomach that just weighs you down. You stop seeing and you just think. You're helpless.
This is a perfect, haunting depiction of something that afflicts thousands of people every day and I believe is worthy of every YWS member's like. Very well done.

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I'm mixed on this piece, we can get that much out of the way already. While I enjoy some of your lines, I don't believe that it releases the same impact that it could be, because it does have potential to be stronger. First off, I'm a little confused as to why you decide to capitalize every first letter of every line in the piece. I'm not saying that you can't do it, because it's your stylistic choice to make, but I don't see how it enhances the poem. Same with when you capitalize words for seemingly no reason such as 'Blue' or 'Lost'.

While you may be in the mindset that it's bringing more attention to those words, that's exactly what it is doing. Bringing more attention to the fact that there's a lack of detail in those places, and it makes the poem act as if it's more important than it is. Or at least, it tells the reader that those lines are supposed to stand out, but I don't see how this does that. Of course, it could just be an error of grammar in which I say to be consistent in your rules that you make for the grammar in your own poem.

For an example, even though it doesn't pertain just to grammar, you wouldn't begin to rhyme in the middle of a poem when in the rest of the piece you haven't made or had a single hint of it. While I'm a fan of the tone and atmosphere you imbue with your word choice, I found the flow to be an aspect that needs refining. I suggest reading the piece aloud first and you'll find that it's easier to spot the parts that need smoothing.

Overall, I believe this could be stronger with revision, but I enjoyed the atmosphere though I thought the overarching execution and theme you're trying to get across here with drowning in depression needed some work. More originality of the subject matter could certainly end up bringing more to the table here.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

This review courtesy of

Hi, As a depression sufferer I can say this poem is very true and very touching.

The descriptive words you used really captured what needed to be said.
I could tell you have been writing poetry for a while and if you haven't you are dang good for a newbie. I really can't critique you on anything terrible that you did wrong. Over all this is a wonderful poem worthy of recognition.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!!

Cool cool cool