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I came close last night.
Not sure why I stopped.
I thought then it was fright-
I know now it was not.
Blackness and terror
Had covered my head.
I thought I'd escape-
I'd be better dead.
But out of the darkness,
I saw something white.
I did not understand though,
The source of that light.
There were five shining angels,
On fire and bright,
They all carried swords,
And they banished the night.
The first promised anything,
Any service at all-
He'd gladly trade places,
Saving me from my fall.
The second had logic,
Deep knowledge and wisdom.
He told me that I,
Was not in Death's dominion.
The third was encouragement-
Bright as a star.
She laid out a battle plan,
I knew was not hard.
The forth was more stoic,
But her presence alone-
From her, one simple plea,
And I longed to atone.
But the fifth is the one
That captured my mind.
He gathered me close,
And he told me, "You're mine."
"You can't die." he said,
"And here is the reason-
Right now, this time,
This is not your season."
He told me a story,
Of me and my loved one,
Of how I would meet,
My granddaughter and grandson.
My angels- they saved me.
They lifted me high.
On the back of their wings,
I can yet reach the sky.
Woah now. Now we're getting to the really good stuff =] This was a beautiful poem. I mean... wow. It made my heart sad at the end about the granddaughter and grandson. It was a really lovely piece. I didn't find anything that I thought you could alter. This is going to be a short review, because I really have nothing but praise for this piece. Absolutely stunning. Keep it up =]
Overall I did like this poem. Although there are some improvements you could use;
-some times it seems as if you force your rhymes
-spelling errors etc.
-capitalism needs some work too.
i hope you take these improvments in mind while you write your next poems..
Good work, hope to see more like this.
,WritingAway
*smiles softly* It's Jon, B.
What can I say?
I adore this poem. It begins dark and gloomy, and then gradually becomes sweet and hopeful.
Doesn't really make sense. I know it's supposed to be poetic and all, but, still, doesn't really give me anything.. Hmm.... great ending stanza, but I think "now" would fit better here than yet.
I don't really think this angel fits the other ones. They are trying to convince you to not die, giving you help and aide, but they also speak with authority. This one is babying you, saying it'd take your place. But angels wouldn't want that.
Hope I helped. Wasn't much to critique.
-B
This is really pretty and sweet. It was a nice length, flowed along, and had a beautiful story. I enjoyed reading it, and it kept my attention wonderfully. My only nit-pic, as StoryWeaver pointed out, is the break in rhymes in several stanzas.
6,7,9 and 11 were the ones I noticed not rhyming, or not rhyming well.
This was really pretty, and overall I really liked this. My only problem is the fact that the rhyme scheme falls apart here and there around the middle. Words like "wisdom" and "dominion" don't quite rhyme, so I'd try tweaking stanzas like that. Now a couple other suggestions-
Anyway, this was a sweet little poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver