I thought you were on my side,
I thought you would choose me,
Over healing something,
That's point is lost at sea.
I thought that you'd understand,
My relation to another-
I though you'd figure out that he
Is no more then my brother.
But no, you stand apart now,
You choose to say I'm wrong.
To say the pain she caused me,
Was her right all along.
You said I should be sorry,
You say it's for the best.
But I hope this you'll understand-
I've given trust a rest.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,305 Literary Works • 672,101 Reviews
Hey there again =] I have to agree with Solvey on this one. The start was a tad weak for me, but you went out with a bang. This was something I could really relate to in just about everyway, and i'm sure a lot of other people can relate to it as well. Its sort of funny that I chose to review this today since just last night I started to write a song about the very same thing =] This is a lovely piece, you give us a good idea of whats going on. Something that i think you should do, not with this poem, but with a future one that you might write, is not tell us whats going on. Give us subtle hints. Tell us more about what the MC is feeling. Let us know if she's shaking, or if her head is spinning, if her heart hurts. Don't Tell us whats happening, just show us in emotion. Show us everything. Emotion has a toll on you inside and out, and whenever someone can capture both of those aspects, its a great accomplishment =] You have another really great piece here. Well done =]
BAM - what a poem. Love it. Short, simple, to the point. I know how you feel. No more to be said. Well done.
EDIT - only grudge I have here is...who exactly are you talking to? Your lover or your brother? It seems in stanza's 1 and 2 it's your lover, and 3 and 4 it's your brother.
Just one thing.
In the second paragraph, I suppose you mean "I THOUGHT you'd figure out that he" instead of though. Other than that, I didn't see any mistakes, beside the one Solvalery pointed out already. Unlike MamaLama, I thought you had imagery. Really nice poem!
-tgirly
I can see what story you're trying to portray here, and it's a nice idea; however, I don't think you do it justice. The poem lacks some sort of imagery, or clear representation of what you're trying to say. You've got emotion, and it sound heartfelt, but I'm missing something which can make the reader visualize what it is you're saying.
Maybe that's me being picky, but then again if I didn't complain, nothing would get better.
Hahaha... Hi RebelAnger. I gotta say this poem has a weak start, the opening stanza is kind of cliché. But when I kept on reading, I just loved it! xD That last line is just perfect! Really good job! But, I would really work on the first one a bit. ^_^
That "then" should be a "than".
That's it, other than that I think this is great! ^_^
~Solvy <3