It was quiet, peaceful even, if not for the thick tension that hung in the air. The wind blew a gentle cool breeze ruffling the clothes and hair of a girl and the fur of her friend that sat beside her. They sat in a shadow cast by a large oak tree overlooking the town that started their adventure. The small rabbit-like creature breathed in and out, taking the time to think back on what happened in the past few months.
“Are you okay?” The girl asked. She had turned her head to look at her friend as they closed their eyes and took another deep breath.
“I will be, with time,” they answered, “Will you?” This time they turned their head to look the girl in the eyes.
“I- I don’t know,” she responded turning her head away while tucking her legs close and wrapping her arms around them. She buried her head in her knees, and the quiet came back. Though this time, it wasn’t as tense as before. It hadn’t been even a few minutes before the silence was broken once again. This time by the small creature.
“It’s okay to cry,” they said, “sometimes you need to cry, there’s no shame in that.” The girl was puzzled as to her friend’s words, it was so unlike them that she started to second guess her hearing. She didn’t lift her head, but they could tell that she didn’t quite get what they were saying, so they continued.
“I’ve loved, lost, killed, forgot, remembered, and even died.” At this, the girl had lifted her head just enough to see her friend with tears starting to roll down their cheeks.
“Sometimes crying helps you heal,” they went on, but they couldn’t continue for after that full-blown tears had started to fall, and the girl hugged her friend. Unsaid words of comfort were exchanged in their hug, both had streams of tears running down their cheeks as they silently cried. They sat there for a long while, even after they stopped crying and their tears had long since dried. It was peaceful and comforting just being in each other’s company. There was no more tension hanging in the air, yet if anyone were to find them, no one would disturb their moment, for none would know what had happened.
End of chapter
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140,245 Literary Works • 673,059 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - A girl seems to be regretful over whatever it is that she did. Her only comfort is a rabbit creature who is her friend. This over here gives me “Alice in Wonderland” vibes from the girl and her rabbit and the madness in the world, but now, onto the review!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I personally have no recommendations to make, but if you would like to add more, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how the girl and the rabbit creature seem to have this close connection with one another that they feel they can tell each other anything. I also like how the rabbit seems to have done a lot more in their life than the girl can imagine. I wonder exactly who they have killed and why, perhaps I will find out in other chapters!
Closing Graham Cracker - A lovely prologue to start the story! The girl and the rabbit must have both dealt with so much more than anyone can imagine, so much more than anyone can put into words. Not a soul will understand them but one another and I for one, cannot wait to read the other chapters. I will read the first one tomorrow and…
I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^
Howdy there, and belated welcome to the Young Writer's Society! I hope you're having a good day so far.
This was a curious way to kick off a story. I liked the many questions you've left us with. Who is this rabbit-like friend, and why can they talk and feel copious amounts of grief? Who did this rabbit kill? We don't get all the answers, but that's what makes this prologue intriguing!
I also thought your prose in the first paragraph was very potent.
The juxtaposition between a calm, safe environment against a hardly concealed anxiety was interesting, and I liked how it was resolved at the end of the chapter. I would have liked to see this pushed further- we never do learn where exactly these characters are. My brain put them in a generic forest, sitting on a fallen log, based solely on "The wind blew a gentle cool breeze." Whether or not that's an accurate interpretation, it's still vague enough that different readers could have vastly different pictures. (For example, it would be just as valid to put these characters on a sandy beach, or an empty park, or a terraformed Mars!)
You already do an excellent job setting the tone of this prologue through your descriptions, but a stronger sense of place could push what's already here to the next level!
One last, small nitpick- conventionally speaking, when formatting your work, you want to start another paragraph whenever someone new is talking. This adds clarity for the reader by helping them identify which character 'has the mic.'
Not only does this make it easier for the reader, but it makes it easier for the writer as well. Before I learned to do this in my own work, I had to do a lot of extra heavy lifting to make sure readers knew who was talking at any given time, Adding otherwise unnecessary dialogue tags, as an example. However, with a little bit of reformatting, you have a lot more control over your dialogue scenes! Writing is a visual medium, so how you present it is an important consideration.
Really quick example, this section
could be rewritten as
In total, this was a super intriguing start to a fantasy novel! I'm really looking forward to checking out the next chapter and finding out more about these characters! Especially this rabbit figure, who seems to have quite the dramatic past.
In the meanwhile, keep on writing, and have great rest of your day!
Thank you so much! I've been looking for ways to improve this as it didn't quite seem right. This helps a lot, and I'll take consideration of this for future chapters.