The weather was warm, like it always was with the occasional cool breeze that ruffled her fur. It was never too cold to send shivers up your spine, just enough to cool you down when the sun starts to feel too hot. It was peaceful, though it hadn’t been long since they got stuck here. She thought maybe the afterlife would be like this too, a plane of existence where there was almost nothing in sight. Well, no living beings in sight to be exact. It was like a loop that never ended, the same day over, and over again. Night and day felt longer than they seemed, and time seemed non-existent, everything slightly blurred together. She wanted to blame Mel for all this, for them being stuck, unable to be free from their connection to their newfound cage, but they already felt awful about it, and would tumble back into their thoughts again if brought up.
Sighing, she leaned up against the tree, the only thing in the entire place of whatever plane of existence they were tied to. Annoyed as she was, it was peaceful and quiet. The view of Mel’s world above, high in the sky, and her world glimmering below a layer of water. It was a nice change from all the chaos and stress they had lived through. Well, her, more than Mel, but they didn’t quite know the details, at least not yet. It was something that she would have to tell her eventually. Breathing in the sweet, fresh air, she closed her eyes and relaxed against the tree, sitting next to her friend, in silence.
She opened her eyes when she heard an unfamiliar voice a little way away from them. A girl who looked like she was in her teens was watching them with a questioning, cold glare. She seemed to be around Mel’s age, maybe a bit younger but she wore what looked like an old dress which was light in color but was accented in gold complimenting her amber eyes. All the while her brown hair was in an elaborate looking bun. She watched them with her stern, frigid, and watching glare. It was like she didn’t enjoy the fact that they were there, like she was disgusted that they even existed in the first place. It unnerved her, sent shivers up her spine, and had her instincts screaming DANGER.
She couldn’t exactly tell what the girl was saying as she was quite the way away from them. The girl seemed to be speaking in a different language, one that she wasn’t familiar with. She had a bad feeling about the girl, something about her set her on edge. If it came to them needing to fight or run, she would much rather run. The girl, even though she looked young, had eyes which held the look of someone that had lived a long time and had seen many things. She tried to nudge Mel awake but ended up shaking her as the girl started to walk towards them. Her instincts told her to run, to get out of there. For the first time in years, she felt genuine fear.
She could feel her ears straining to hear the girl’s footsteps, but it was quiet. All she heard was deafening silence. It scared her, made her heart race as she fought against her instincts. She didn’t know where the girl was. Seconds felt like minutes, then hours, and then left became right. She was so focused on trying not to panic, that she didn’t notice Mel had awoken, or that she was still violently shaking her. She only snapped out of whatever fear-induced trance she was in when she felt Mel’s hands grab either side of her to prevent any more shaking. She didn’t bother looking up or saying anything. She could already tell by the way her fur stood on end and the stillness of a new shadow that the girl was already there.
“How did you get here.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. She wasn’t asking who they were, nor did she hold any kindness in her words. It was blunt and strait to the point, not like any other person they came across whom danced around the question they wanted to ask. Her voice was chilling, giving her the feeling that they weren’t supposed to be there, like they shouldn’t have been there in the first place. She couldn’t move, she was scared stiff, and the way Mel had tightened her hold on her, she could tell that she was terrified. Slowly, she turned to face the girl, though she couldn’t make herself make eye contact. Doing that would be a bad idea, she wouldn’t be able to speak if she did that.
The girl spoke again, “How did you get here.” This time her voice wasn’t just chilling, it was serious, cold, and dark, like she wouldn’t take silence for an answer again. There was a slight hint of annoyance in her voice, which had her stiff up again. She would need to choose her words carefully, to not anger the girl any further. She honestly hoped that Mel would be able to take care of this, but knowing that she herself was scared, Mel would be worse off than her. She was always scared of others and the unknown, so it was surprising to her when Mel spoke up.
“We fell through a portal,” she turned back to see her friend stare the girl in the eyes with a gulp and confidence she honestly didn’t expect. But Mel was scared, her voice didn’t waver, but her grip tightened, and her hands shook that little bit. With her friend having a newfound confidence, she was a little less scared, and being a little less scared she decided to ask a question of her own.
Turning back to face the girl she asked, “How did you get here?” With that, the girl chuckled a bit and responded to their surprise.
“A question for a question, I see, well I came here the same way as you, except I didn’t fall,” her voice was no longer cold, but it was still chilling. Surprisingly it was a bit playful, which unnerved her a bit. To go from a cold demeanor to a playful one just didn’t sit right with her, it was if she didn’t seem bothered with them. Like the two of them were insignificant to her, like a piece of entertainment.
She didn’t trust this girl, they didn’t even know who she was, much less where she came from. The feeling of distrust only seemed to worsen when she brought up a deal. It was quite simple, and it was only an exchange of information, but still, she didn’t trust her. There had to be a catch.
The deal seemed to be in their favor as she explained, “After you tell me your stories, I will answer all your questions about this place.” It was simple enough, there wasn’t much to it, but she still felt uneasy. Looking at Mel, she could tell that she was debating whether to accept it or not. It really was a tempting offer, as they had no clue about this place. Locking eyes with Mel, she nodded her head, and they accepted the deal.
To be honest, she always knew that she would have to tell Mel her story, her full story, not the bits and pieces that she’d been dancing around and avoiding. Her story wasn’t the best, nor was it all that happy, but she knew that she needed to go first. Mel’s story wouldn’t make sense if she didn’t, there would be too many gaps. That’s why she volunteered to go first.
Before she could start, the girl interrupted her with a question, “How will I know whose story I’m listening to if I have yet to know your name?”
She responded with a simple statement, “you may call me Alice.”
End of chapter
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghastly S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Alice is glad to at least have some peace in the dimension, but unfortunately, a rather judgmental and sour-faced girl comes towards Alice and Mel, ever so ready to do whatever may harm them (I think, from how she was described). However will Alice and Mel fare off?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you could use another word for “watching” to describe the girl’s glare, because you did say that the girl “watched” them before, but if not, then that is alright.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described the mysterious girl. She seems very beautiful but like she has a lot of secrets. Perhaps she is the ruler of this dimension that Alice and Mel are trapped in? I also like how you described the fear that Mel and Alice feel, it immerses me right into the moment and lets me know that the two of them are feeling pure terror right now from the girl.
Closing Graham Cracker - A frightening first chapter to start off this story! This dimension may be pleasant to look at, but from what you’re saying of it, it seems like there are disturbing secrets thread in through the world. Who knows what the girl is capable of and what she may put the two of them through? I will be certain to check out the next chapter tomorrow!
I wish you a stupendous day/night!
I love the story and how you word it. I love the place they are at and the setting feels soothing with a little sense of mystery/unease. The story itself is awesome and unique, but I have a pretty big issue. I can see how you were trying to use a lot of descriptive language to make the story immersive, but unfortunatly, part of it sounds too simple.
For example
"She couldn’t hear the girl’s footsteps. It scared her, she didn’t know how far the girl was nor how close she was getting."
I see the vision you have on how to word it, but the way you word it makes it seem strange. I'd recommend make it sound more eerie, for example -
"Her heart raced as she strained to hear the girl's footsteps, but the silence was deafening. The unknown proximity of the girl filled her with fear, as she had no way of knowing whether the girl was inches or miles away."
Thank you! That helps a lot, and I'll see what I can do to incorporate that!