This is a poem that I had to write for English today, I thought it turned out pretty good, but I could be wrong... So review and ENJOY!!!:)
WHEN THE CLOUDS POUR OUT
The clouds had to burst and when they finally did
A waterfall of crystals fell about
The stranger did not protest
Because he had his handy umbrella out
The umbrella he held was sorrowful
And the droplets of water made it appear to be crying
They stained the sidewalk
The clouds weren’t lying
Rain slapped against the pavement
As the fence stood in front of the stranger
Strong and protecting
Like this man posed some sort of danger
He did not come to harm, only to watch
The color his eyes held
Went along with the rain
He only came to look, but with that came much pain
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140,852 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
WOW! This is really good! I wish you could've extended it and added a little more. But overall I really don't have much to say. The beginning was specatacular I thought, pulls you in automatically. Great job!
You have some really interesting ideas and images in here. The sorrowful umbrella and waterfall of crystals really stood out to me as being unique.
The last line's wording felt a bit awkward to me. I would try to reword it to flow a bit more smoothly.
I'm also very curious as to the meaning of this poem
cute.
I think you should add another verse (or whatever its called in poetry) at the start, describing the clouds before they had to burst because I think the first line feels too abrupt.
I like the poem but the flow feels a little choppy because you keep changing the amount of syllables in each line. In my experience this quite often works in songs because you can draw words out or sing them faster but in a poem everything is read at the same pace so the amount of syllables really matters. Not that I know all that much about poetry, so feel free to disregard this comment if you feel that it works.
Despite that, I think you have a really nice poem here. Well done