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16+ Language

Age: Part 2

by RavenNun


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Hello! This is part two of my short story. Be sure to read part 1 for a full comprehensive reading experience! This story is in large part practice on dialogue, so if your reviewing be sure to include a tip or some form of comment on how it was. Thanks!

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In comes a budding man. Early 20s, fashionable, and full of life. Swinging the door open brazenly, nearly knocking off a sign that writes, “Sorry, bells under repair.”

“Hey Old man!”

A head pops up from behind the counter, a pair of golden-rimmed glasses nearly fall off the face that appears.

“Still calling me that eh? When are ya gonna stop with that “Old man” nonsense?”

“Till I meet you in the grave Old man.”

“Fair enough, just don’t be calling me that near my daughter, she’ll think she had some secret brother while she was gone!”

A look of surprise enters the customer's face.

“Why daughter!? I didn’t know you had a daughter Neil!”

For an unknown reason, surprise enters the older man's face. Seemingly estranged by his own words.

“Yeah, well, she’s been gone some time… but I have a feeling I'll be seeing her real soon, don’t you worry about that now Ace.”

“Well I’d love to meet her, if she’s anything like you we’ll get along just fine! Maybe she’ll actually fall for my provocations, unlike your stubborn ass.”

A chuckle escapes his cracked lips, taking him back to how he felt just a few moments before.

“Oh you would’ve loved her, im sure if you two could’ve met you’d hit it off real nicely.”

Something strange happens to Neil, an indistinguishable emotion flickers across his face. What it is Ace can't tell. But just as quickly as it appeared, it disappears into the void that is a human face.

“How’s life been treating you, Old man? Have many customers these days, I know it's winter and all so everyones huddled up in their homes?”

“Lifes been as simple since the day I met you. Simple is nice though. Satisfying. And no, not too many. Just as always this place is usually empty. Prefer it that way, keeps me close to all those who come on by for a moment's respite”

“Yeah, I guess I get that. Not my type of work, I prefer all that money making and such.”

“All you youngsters prefer it. Too focused on material wealth, it's the soul that matters. Took me too long to realize that, I only hope you see that bit of truth earlier than I did.”

Hearing the old man’s words makes him ponder. Not enough to see the truth, only enough to bear the seedling that in time will grow.

“I graduated from collage a couple months ago, did ya hear?”

Applause resounds, every clap bouncing throughout the building, echos of accomplishment and pride.

“Well done my boy! You sure did work hard. Skipping on our little chats to study.”

“Now don't go jabbing me, that's my job! Your minds too slow for it!”

An arm wraps around the young man's neck, bringing him closer for a hand to ruffle up his hair.

“Sure did miss ya coming round, it's been silent here without your incessant whining!”

“I'll take one of the usual, and remember pleaseeee! No ice. Hate having my teeth going all hurt.”

“One glass of whiskey coming right up.”

Shadows obscure the windows. Winter has officially come knocking.

“Would ya look at that, it's snowing again. Been some time, had a whole week of a little bit of sun, a little bit of rain, and a little bit of clear skies right after that giant snowstorm. Can’t complain though, kept me from reading more books and listening to boring lectures.”

“At least you can read now, remember your first few years here? Just a street rat, barely ever picked up a book. Gotta be thankful for what you have now, it's a whole lot better than when you first walked through these doors.”

“Yeah… those were some harsh times. But there behind me now, left in the dust since I am the fastest runner in the county!”

A wide smile creeps onto the young man's face.

“Why you just won a single competition, don’t you be all acting the king now. I heard you were only a second faster than that Billy kid.”

The quick arrogance disappears in sight of the old-timers words.

“A seconds a second Old man, matters not how many there are! Who told ya anyway? Can't see any of my friends com’in here to this old bar.”

“Why it was Garten, you should thank him for coming to watch. Sure it was tough getting off of work to see some boy sprint.”

“Garten came? … Well how kind of him. Wish I’d seen the guy, would’ve loved to chat. It's been a while.”

“Doesn’t come by much anymore. I'm worried for the man, Ace… do me a favor? Stop by his house, strike up conversation. Make sure he knows he’s welcomed.”

Neil ruffles through the counter’s drawers. Finding a pencil and paper, jotting down the address of Garten’s home.

“Take it, wait out this storm first. Don't want you busying yourself outside with all this snow.”

“Will do Old man. Next moment the sun comes on peeking by i'll head over. Tell him he should stop on by for a catch up. Just the three of us, like old times.”

“That’ll be good Ace. Real good. He’ll appreciate it a lot you know? He thinks of you like the son he never had. If I can't convince him I'm sure you can.”

Pressure and responsibility. And maybe a strange warmth. That's what Ace feels.

“I suppose that's kind of him, not completely sure how to feel. Never had a dad before.”

“Take it as a compliment Ace. Two daughters. It can be tough for a guy like Garten to relate to them. Opposite sex and all. Different interests, or at least that's how Garten looks at it.”

“Did you have trouble with your daughter, Old man?”

“Sometimes. Her bringing-up was a little different then the typical kids. Similar to yours actually. Mainly just me raising her.”

Still so young, the young man doesn’t know what others might need. If it's anything at all. The bar owner has long since come to terms with griefs. Never stops the lone tear on those cold, winter nights though. When the beds never warm, just always empty.

“Oh… I see. Well… if you need anything at all i'm there! I’ve got a date tomorrow, gotta head out y’know? Get my head on resting. I’ll be sure to keep on stopping by, it was nice to chat again!”

Like a crook leaving his crime scene, the boy slips on back outside. One hand on his cap, the other wrapped around his body, fearing the wind and ice that's falling from the sky.

The bar owner shakes his head, chuckling.

“That boy, wish I could see him grow up.”

As the snow pelts the windows, shivering the very wood from the bar, a long, hard sigh escapes. Heard all throughout the bar, but never leaving those old dusty walls.

“I'll be sleeping real soon Ace, make sure to get that life of yours together. It was nice knowing you, it was really nice.”


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Points: 2737
Reviews: 26

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Sat Jun 08, 2024 4:19 pm
NoOneInParticular wrote a review...



Hello! I’m NoOneInParticular, but you can call me Horizon if that’s too long (or just about any name). This will be a rather quick review as I’m not that good with reviewing short stories and novels, so bear with me for just this while.

First Impressions + What I Liked

I did go back and read part 1, and I have to say, this ties up both parts really nicely. We get more characterisation for Ace and Neil, and you further develop that theme of the differences between ages. The ending feels rather melancholic, with Neil thinking that he’s probably going to leave this world soon. Kate has already commented on these ideas and how you show them, so I won’t elaborate on the topic.

If you’re looking for feedback on dialogue, they felt very natural. It didn’t really feel ”stuck” anywhere, it all flowed very well.

“Garten came? … Well how kind of him. Wish I’d seen the guy, would’ve loved to chat. It's been a while.”

“Doesn’t come by much anymore. I'm worried for the man, Ace… do me a favor? Stop by his house, strike up conversation. Make sure he knows he’s welcomed.”


I particularly like this part, as it shows how their friendship has grown over the years, and sort of feels more real, in a sense, that people can have ups and downs.

Areas for Improvement

Short stories like these aren’t my forte, so I have nothing to improve on for story and dialogue.

Small grammar corrections: “seconds” should be “second’s” as it’s the contraction of “second is”, and the I should be capitalised in “i’m”.

Overall Thoughts

A wonderful piece that showcases your topic through natural dialogue. Keep writing, you did great! Remember to take breaks when needed, and have a nice day/night/somehow it’s sunrise or sunset and you don’t know what to call it??

I’ll stop now.

Cheers,
Horizon




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Fri Jun 07, 2024 2:51 am
kaitlyn wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

Well this was a neat little follow up piece, a nice look at how everyone is now doing given that time has bean allowed to take its natural course. I think it was a good little reflecting of how age changes and the corresponding results of it.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

In comes a budding man. Early 20s, fashionable, and full of life. Swinging the door open brazenly, nearly knocking off a sign that writes, “Sorry, bells under repair.”

“Hey Old man!”

A head pops up from behind the counter, a pair of golden-rimmed glasses nearly fall off the face that appears.

“Still calling me that eh? When are ya gonna stop with that “Old man” nonsense?”

“Till I meet you in the grave Old man.”


Well this is a hilarious little entrance. I love how different this is to the earlier interaction, the first one was also false bravado and just awkwardness while there is genuine friendship in this one.

“Fair enough, just don’t be calling me that near my daughter, she’ll think she had some secret brother while she was gone!”

A look of surprise enters the customer's face.

“Why daughter!? I didn’t know you had a daughter Neil!”

For an unknown reason, surprise enters the older man's face. Seemingly estranged by his own words.

“Yeah, well, she’s been gone some time… but I have a feeling I'll be seeing her real soon, don’t you worry about that now Ace.”


Oooh well that's an interesting little prospect, both the idea of Neil now being comfortable enough to share a few thing and also a little quirk there of Neil's daughter being gone. Its clear its hurt him a fair bit there.

“Well I’d love to meet her, if she’s anything like you we’ll get along just fine! Maybe she’ll actually fall for my provocations, unlike your stubborn ass.”

A chuckle escapes his cracked lips, taking him back to how he felt just a few moments before.

“Oh you would’ve loved her, im sure if you two could’ve met you’d hit it off real nicely.”

Something strange happens to Neil, an indistinguishable emotion flickers across his face. What it is Ace can't tell. But just as quickly as it appeared, it disappears into the void that is a human face.


Hmm well yeah there goes the flicker again. Neil really does seem quite fond of his daughter but its clear there's plenty of buried hurt in there he's doing a good enough job of suppressing for Ace to miss it for now.

“How’s life been treating you, Old man? Have many customers these days, I know it's winter and all so everyones huddled up in their homes?”

“Lifes been as simple since the day I met you. Simple is nice though. Satisfying. And no, not too many. Just as always this place is usually empty. Prefer it that way, keeps me close to all those who come on by for a moment's respite”

“Yeah, I guess I get that. Not my type of work, I prefer all that money making and such.”


Hmm looks like Ace has grown up a little bit maybe there but Neil remains Neil and it looks like he's plodding along just fine in the little bubble that he calls home in this bar.

“All you youngsters prefer it. Too focused on material wealth, it's the soul that matters. Took me too long to realize that, I only hope you see that bit of truth earlier than I did.”

Hearing the old man’s words makes him ponder. Not enough to see the truth, only enough to bear the seedling that in time will grow.

“I graduated from collage a couple months ago, did ya hear?”

Applause resounds, every clap bouncing throughout the building, echos of accomplishment and pride.


Hmm well a good bit of life advice there but I also love the appreciation there from everyone for the fact that Ace here did accomplish something pretty good there.

“Well done my boy! You sure did work hard. Skipping on our little chats to study.”

“Now don't go jabbing me, that's my job! Your minds too slow for it!”

An arm wraps around the young man's neck, bringing him closer for a hand to ruffle up his hair.

“Sure did miss ya coming round, it's been silent here without your incessant whining!”


Well looks like Neil despite all the things done earlier to get him to not want too much whiskey in his life did genuinely miss Ace and the lively chatter that he brough to the place.

“I'll take one of the usual, and remember pleaseeee! No ice. Hate having my teeth going all hurt.”

“One glass of whiskey coming right up.”

Shadows obscure the windows. Winter has officially come knocking.

“Would ya look at that, it's snowing again. Been some time, had a whole week of a little bit of sun, a little bit of rain, and a little bit of clear skies right after that giant snowstorm. Can’t complain though, kept me from reading more books and listening to boring lectures.”


Well looks like like the weather is doing okay there, love the little progression of the general little area going through on its own. It really adds to the showcase of how time has passed.

“At least you can read now, remember your first few years here? Just a street rat, barely ever picked up a book. Gotta be thankful for what you have now, it's a whole lot better than when you first walked through these doors.”

“Yeah… those were some harsh times. But there behind me now, left in the dust since I am the fastest runner in the county!”

A wide smile creeps onto the young man's face.

“Why you just won a single competition, don’t you be all acting the king now. I heard you were only a second faster than that Billy kid.”


Oooh love how this definitely confirms how much time has passed at this point and how much Ace really has grown up from that impulsive kid that tried to waltz in here earlier.

The quick arrogance disappears in sight of the old-timers words.

“A seconds a second Old man, matters not how many there are! Who told ya anyway? Can't see any of my friends com’in here to this old bar.”

“Why it was Garten, you should thank him for coming to watch. Sure it was tough getting off of work to see some boy sprint.”

“Garten came? … Well how kind of him. Wish I’d seen the guy, would’ve loved to chat. It's been a while.”


Ooo our third member of the trio seems to have gone all reclusive there a bit then, which given his state in the earlier piece isn't the most surprising of reveals here.

“Doesn’t come by much anymore. I'm worried for the man, Ace… do me a favor? Stop by his house, strike up conversation. Make sure he knows he’s welcomed.”

Neil ruffles through the counter’s drawers. Finding a pencil and paper, jotting down the address of Garten’s home.

“Take it, wait out this storm first. Don't want you busying yourself outside with all this snow.”

“Will do Old man. Next moment the sun comes on peeking by i'll head over. Tell him he should stop on by for a catch up. Just the three of us, like old times.”


Hmm looks like they become some real good friends there over the years and its nice to see they're still checking in on each other now and that Ace is grown enough to trust with something like this.

“That’ll be good Ace. Real good. He’ll appreciate it a lot you know? He thinks of you like the son he never had. If I can't convince him I'm sure you can.”

Pressure and responsibility. And maybe a strange warmth. That's what Ace feels.

“I suppose that's kind of him, not completely sure how to feel. Never had a dad before.”

“Take it as a compliment Ace. Two daughters. It can be tough for a guy like Garten to relate to them. Opposite sex and all. Different interests, or at least that's how Garten looks at it.”


Well that's quite something to hear. I wouldn't have taken Garten to be the type to take someone in like that but time can truly do wonderful things when its allowed to flourish.

“Did you have trouble with your daughter, Old man?”

“Sometimes. Her bringing-up was a little different then the typical kids. Similar to yours actually. Mainly just me raising her.”

Still so young, the young man doesn’t know what others might need. If it's anything at all. The bar owner has long since come to terms with griefs. Never stops the lone tear on those cold, winter nights though. When the beds never warm, just always empty.


Well that's a sad little moment, a live fully lived and gone approaching its end, just now quietly accepting what's to come rather than trying to fight for a future that's uncertain.

“Oh… I see. Well… if you need anything at all i'm there! I’ve got a date tomorrow, gotta head out y’know? Get my head on resting. I’ll be sure to keep on stopping by, it was nice to chat again!”

Like a crook leaving his crime scene, the boy slips on back outside. One hand on his cap, the other wrapped around his body, fearing the wind and ice that's falling from the sky.

The bar owner shakes his head, chuckling.

“That boy, wish I could see him grow up.”


Well that's a beautiful little sentiment but at the same time it a bittersweet one to realize our old man is quite old and may not genuinely be able to see that come about.

As the snow pelts the windows, shivering the very wood from the bar, a long, hard sigh escapes. Heard all throughout the bar, but never leaving those old dusty walls.

“I'll be sleeping real soon Ace, make sure to get that life of yours together. It was nice knowing you, it was really nice.”


Well that's a bittersweet ending if I ever saw one, almost a little extra ominous to be honest given it didn't appear like Neil was old enough to be thinking death would be that much of a certain thing.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think that was quite a lovely piece, I was a little caught off guard by the ending and how bittersweet but it was a nice touch and I think the actual dialogue was quite good. Across both pieces it tells us a whole lot about the characters and it flows fairly naturally for the most part.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate


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A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain