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16+ Language

To the one I found love for~

by RavenNaal

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

After a longggg time of not knowing whether I wanted to write, or what to write I finally managed to create a short story. Any feedback is greatly appreicated, thank you for reading!

The first time I saw you came to me as a morbid surprise of confusion and frightfulness. Completely separate from my own personal thoughts of meeting you at the time you met me with cold clouded eyes. Ones that shall never leave my memory, as stained into my nerves as deformation to newborns shall stay with them till death. 

I had expected to greet you with friendliness in my voice and thoughts of potential kinship when I first heard you would be staying at the same abode as I. Images of late nights watching movies or strolling to coffee shops being one anothers wing man fluttered about my mind. 

I had yet to know what you looked like, but from the details I heard I could piece together my own estimate, false or not, it was the face I used to indulge in my fantasies. Now, I know my conclusion was strangely accurate. I had guessed you were blonde with either green eyes or blue. The kind of eyes that could draw in someone as if they were being seduced by the moon itself. I pictured your body as slender yet well built, something I had been striving for for a while then. I was never good at picturing faces, so to me yours always showed up as a blurry mess of people I have known previously. 

When I first met you, after my initial shock and awe, I observed you to meet the image I had set for you in my mind. You had dirty blonde hair, curled up into frizzles and twirls atop your neatly shaped face. From what I could tell your body was slim, yet still seemed to have some density and muscles hidden underneath your layers of shirts and pants. I could not have known what your eye color was before, but now I know it to be emerald green. Quite a spectacular color I would have liked to see personally, but life seems to have given me a different kind of gift. 

Whether that gift was one from an angel or devil I have not yet decided, but I do believe it to be one you gave me personally. I feel as though you did this to yourself to allow me to broaden my knowledge and attempt something I have yearned for for years. So I thank you for that, a thanks that comes from the deepest parts of my heart. 

I'm sure you still wish to know what transpired after my initial foundings, so I will continue. It took some time for my frozen blood and bones to begin to move again. The sight of you had certainly frozen me to the core. My eyes could not leave yours for what had felt like hours, though it was most likely only a few minutes of time. Even without the color you used to have, your eyes still drew me in as I was a moth to the burning flame. 

Once I was free from your spell, I could finally draw breath and look around. My breathing became more erratic and burstfull, I still had not fully recovered clearly. My mind was a flurry of noise, trying to figure out what to do, whether to take the opportunity and indulge in my desires, or to help you have rest that you most likely deserved. 

I chose to do the former, I sat on the blue mattress that was not made quite yet and stared at you. I watched as you swayed every which way, a puppet made to dance by the rope above will. The motion your body portrayed drew me in, taking breath and thought from my body. The room around me seemed to get hot and cold, bringing a strange kind of feeling to my body. Watching you was as if watching a jaw dropping play. I had to move around quite a lot, my body continuing to be more tense, more excited as I got used to the sight of your state of being. 

Eventually I had gained enough courage to move from the spot I had been glued to, walking towards you slowly and weakly. My haggard breaths had become more stable, allowing me clarity of mind. Though before I could touch your pale skin and cold flesh, someone interrupted. A man in blue, someone I had so hoped not to meet right now came into the room. I know not what may have transpired for if he had never intervened. Though I at least know that many feelings I have been pushing back through years would have surfaced. Perhaps it would have ruined my life, but in the moment I'm sure it would have been blissful. 

Someone must have reported your body and called the police. How damned that person is in my mind! I knew I could not fight off the cop, it would only put me into a more compromising situation. So what I did then was pretend to have just found you, something that did not feel right with me in the slightest. I wanted everyone to know how I felt about you, how for a reason I do not know love seemed to sprout from my heart towards someone I have never conversed with, never looked into their bright, living eyes. But that would only make others especially uncomfortable with my presence, it might even ruin my entire future. 

So I told the police I had just walked in a minute before, that I was too stunned to move or call someone. As they were taking away your body I overheard conversations of how someone could kill themselves. Of how you were selfish and left your family and friends to live this world without you. I say damn them! They have no idea what you must have felt when you chose to take yourself out of this wicked world. I praise you for your courage to do something so few have the ability to act upon. 

I am writing this within our home. The very same place you chose to end your life. I will drop this note onto your grave, I do hope you read it from wherever you may find yourself. I am planning to join you soon, once I give you this paper that has my accounts and feelings of our first and only meeting I will kill myself just as you did. I certainly do feel very terrified at the thought of doing this, but if you can do it then maybe I can as well. To endure pain is to love, so I shall do this for you. Farewell beautiful stranger, and may we meet soon.

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50 Reviews

Points: 572
Reviews: 50

Fri Apr 14, 2023 2:18 am
GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...

Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review!

Sweet mother of asparagus, I did not expect to be hit by two plot twists back-to-back! First I assumed that the narrator killed their love interest out of obsession or insanity, but then it’s revealed that she took her own life. I like how you put small foreshadowing details before the big reveal; to me, the best kinda of plot twists are those in which you can re-read something and go “oh! The signs were there all along!”
I really love the imagery you use too; it really makes the story come to life and brings out the dark tone of the whole thing.

My only suggestion is that every sentence feels quite flowery. I feel like this story would benefit from some more simple sentences here and there.

Hope you have a wonderful day/night!


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70 Reviews

Points: 6980
Reviews: 70

Thu Mar 30, 2023 9:00 pm
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Euphory wrote a review...

Hello Raven! Here for a review <3

OH MY GOD. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Your story took my breath away and dropped my jaw to the floor! The highlight of your story is definitely the twist- you did an excellent job misleading the reader and dropping just enough clues in between as to the reality of the situation, so that the twist at the end has full impact!

I do think there is some awkward phrasing and incorrect grammar present here and there in your story, and would highly recommend something like Grammarly to help with that! Here are some I picked out.

The first time I saw you came to me as a morbid surprise of confusion and frightfulness.

The first line of your story should immerse your reader completely, whereas I was taken out a bit because of the confused phrasing here -> an alternate phrasing would be "the first time we met, you came to me as a morbid surprise of confusion and frightfulness."

I watched as you swayed every which way, a puppet made to dance by the rope above will.

The second part of this sentence also didn't make sense for the first few reads (or maybe that's just me), so you could try changing it to -> "like a puppet made to dance by the rope."

There were many points where commas should've been placed, or removed, and something like Grammarly would really help with picking those out too!


LOVE LOVE love your imagery! Especially:
Ones that shall never leave my memory, as stained into my nerves as deformation to newborns shall stay with them till death

And that paragraph about watching the girl as if she were a play - that was lovely imagery too!
However, I do feel that you could've added more descriptiom regarding the girl's body - When I came to the twist, I assumed she was lying on the floor as a dead body, but then you described her swaying and in motion, and that threw me off again- so I wonder, what position was her body in? (Or maybe I missed a sentence somewhere about it!)

LIKE I SAID, this was a DELIGHT to read, purely because the twist was so cleverly placed! You captured the ominousness in the piece from the opening paragraphs, something that didn't feel quite right- that atmopshere of wariness and suspsicion was something you executed quite well! (Was also alarmed at the part about the gift from the angel and devil - was confused about that paragraph at first, and it really only made sense to me after I read the twist!)

I had also assumed at first that it was the narrator themselves who killed the girl, and so got a second twist upon discovering she took her own life- very morbid, indeed!

I find the last paragraph of your story to be the most powerful, and it's probably my favorite part of your piece. It almost has the feeling of a love letter to it, but then you juxtapose it with a reality that is most unromantic, making it sound completely different. As a fan of dark humor and unreliable, obsessive narrators, this was something I enjoyed as well!

Overall, great work with this one, it's awesome that you could get this out after a writing slump- so please keep writing! <3333 and if you ever need reviews for any of your works, you can always pop into Euphoria's Coffeehouse to request some!

how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42