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The Five Kingdoms ch2

by Rav1209

Chapter 2

The lush greenness covers my eyesight as they blink open. I can feel a arm around me, but it pulls away slowly like a snake. The portal worked and I’m confused and sad by the fact, I want to lay here and not get up. I’m already ready to be pulled back home to where no one is missing me it seems. I can't believe my dad would just push me out like that...

“Princess are you awake?” Demitri asked, I shook my head dumbly.

“Then I'll wait.” He sighed laying back down, I can only tell this because I hear him crush the grass. Why is he suddenly being so nice, shouldn't he just be like “Time to get a move on, we don't have time for your whining.”

My eyesight gets blurry and then I realize I’m crying. I roll onto my stomach to muffle this fact, the smell of grass is a delightful mint. I don't want to be here, I want to go home. I try to swallow the rest, a few tears is fine but this is a stranger your in front of, don't make him think your weak. I sit up wiping my eyes, I take a deep breath and stand up.

“Where to now?” I asked trying to keep and neutral state of mind, Demitri stood up.

“To town, some friends of mine are waiting for us.”

“Great let's continue.” I said walking forward.

“Princess its the other way.” He told me and I follow him embarrassed with myself. I don't get how I always assume I know what's going on.

“Then lead the way.” I sighed him. We started walking through the dense forest its fresh greenness following us at every turn making it dark and hard to navigate through. As we kept walking I kept looking around seeing endless miles of trees and not much else, why do I feel so at home here? Like this is where I belong.

Demitri stops suddenly making me run into his back. I wonder why we stopped; are we there? I look around just trees and over grown grass greener then any normal grass could be.

“Why have we stopped?” I finally ask.

“Sh! We're not alone.” He whispers. I look around again still not seeing anything, when I hear something whistle through the air and stop right in front of Demitri. A arrow standing straight in the ground as a warning, or a threat.

“Already we have trouble.” Demitri sighed getting a sword and dagger out. I still didn't even know where the arrow even came from!

A dark figure jumps down from the tree wearing a green mask over their face. Red paint imitating blood around the attackers masks mouth. He throws the bow and arrow down and gets out two black short swords. The black figure prepares to charge when a dagger flies into his forehead. I cover my mouth consumed with shock, Demitri killed someone!

“You killed him!”

“Yeah, good thing too. Those things are usually really hard to... Your not used to seeing people killed are you?” He said seeing he look on my face that was utter terror and anger.

“No! Not at all, in fact where I come from it's a federal crime!” I yelled at him.

“Actually this is where you come from and I was just protecting you! You think someone would show a little gratitude.” He told me obviously annoyed with me. Why should I thank him for killing someone! The nerve of this guy...

“It's not like those things are actually human...” Demitri muttered when something grabbed me and pulled only as far as my ankle before Demitri stabbed the black puddle while pulling me out. We flung forward I landing on top of Demitri. The puddle starts to bubble as it evaporates into a black puff of smoke.

“Hold your breath!” Demitri yelled pulling me into his chest. I closed my eyes and held my breath not believing what was happening. I concluded that whatever it was it wasn't the last time I would see one.

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1125 Reviews

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Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:14 am
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StellaThomas wrote a review...

I can feel a arm around me, but it pulls away slowly like a snake.


your in front of,


Okay, so I like this chapter a lot more than the last one, because you've gotten the pacing right! It flows at just the right speed for the story, and it's consistent. So good job on that. There are a few things that I think could use a little attention.

1. Demitri- So Vienna is actually a very original heroine, and I love how disgusted she is about everything. But Demitri right now isn't much more than a prop. He could really use some development. Now that Vienna is over the just-met-you stage, try having her look a little deeper at Demitri. Start bleeding in the information about him, who is he, what age is he, why did he come to find her? And start showing us a bit more of his personality, because right now he doesn't seem to have very much. Let it show in his words, his actions. Here, he seems all at once brusque and sweet, and maybe that's what you're going for but I think you need to work a little on your portrayal of him.

2. Description- One of the problems I'm noticing in these chapters is how abruptly you mention something. Like when you say he pulled a sword and dagger out. Has he been wearing his sword belt the whole time? Maybe Vienna would notice that when they were walking, could see him fingering the hilt before he pulls it out. You need to set a precinct for everything, not just mention every object and plot point only when they're needed. Because the sword was surely there all along, it didn't just appear when he needed it.

[b]3. So you're in a magical world...[b] and you're not the least bit curious? Vienna is annoying me a bit in the way that she's not asking any questions, about where they are, what the country's called, how the portal worked... nothing! I'd like to see a little more natural curiosity around her. When these things happen (not that it's ever actually happened to me :P) you don't just go along with it and go, oh hey, another world, whatever. You're excited. You're interested. And most of all, you really want to know what's going on. So I'd like to see her being a bit more involved in that sense :P

But overall, this chapter was much, much stronger than the first one! Well done!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Rav1209 says...

thank you so much for the critque! yeah i'm still trying to get all the kinks out and things, i got a really bad writers block and didn't write for months! Not that its a excuse or anything the third chapter should be better if not I'm going to rewrite all of it a third time.(first time there wasn't much plot)

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374 Reviews

Points: 1747
Reviews: 374

Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:16 am
tgirly wrote a review...

Yay! You got the next chapter up! I love the abruptness of Demitri killing something. It brings both the both the reader and the main character up to speed on the harsh 'reality' of the world she's in. The shock and anger of the main character at this bizarre experience make her even more relatable with the reader. Again, you are a master at character development! I'm extremely curious of this Demitri who's some kind of soldier/body guard and his 'friends' in this nearby town. You need to work a bit on the grammar of the piece, but a quick read-through should fix most of that. The ending is a clffhanger ending, which is awesome and I can't wait for the next chapter. I'm a bit confused on how she can see 'endless miles of trees' in the forest. If the trees are dense at all, she'd only be able to see a few feet into the trees, much less endless miles. I can't wait to read the third chapter so make sure to notify me when you get it up. Hope this review helps and good luck on your story! :)

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill