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The Five Kingdoms Ch.1

by Rav1209


Chapter 1

I sat on the couch with a bowl of buttered popcorn. It was the night of the school homecoming but I didn't feel like going, I had no place there. I put on a Romeo and Juliet, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo. My dad comes and sits down next to me grabbing a handful of popcorn.

“You can still go you know.” He tells me I roll my eyes.

“I rather sit here and watch Juliet die twice.”

“Why don't you want to go, you can't let other kids bully you from having fun...”

“No one is bullying me, I just don't want to go to some stupid dance.” I exclaim, he shrugs and leaves me be. He's probably thinking ever since your mother died you haven't done any socializing. Kids at my school hate me and sure maybe if I wasn't a gutless fish I would go to homecoming but I don't see the point; its not like I'll meet my prince charming.

I would give both my arms to dance with my Romeo, as long as it meant we didn't both die of course. It would be about now that mom would come up behind me and scare me and then give me a nice big hug. I miss her so much...

“Vienna please come downstairs!” My father calls, I sigh and put my popcorn aside. I walk downstairs, it sounding like a heartbeat. As I reach the cold basement floor I see a boy on the ground asleep or knocked out.

“Uh dad who is that?” I say pointing at the black haired boy in a strange outfit.

“I don't know he just came out of the portal I've been fixing.”

“Wait you have a portal.”

“Well yes I am a scientist have to try something out of this world.”

“Well where did he come from, Legend of Zelda!?!” I exclaim. The boy starts to wake up, he raises his head his blue eyes shining at me. It made me uneasy in the least.

“Princess?” He says weakly scratching his head still staring at me.

“Dad?” I ask looking at him tapping my foot.

“Okay your from his world I’m sorry I didn't tell you.” He exclaims, my mouth drops.

“WHAT!!!” I yell.

“Well when you were a little baby I went through the portal and well the castle was being raided so I took you, I’m sorry.”

“Okay I’m going to bed, when I wake up tomorrow he will be gone and we'll never speak of it again.” I say marching up stairs.

“Vienna come back.”

“Why its not like your going to let me go to some far off land.”

“Actually its exactly what I’m doing.”

“But he's some stranger, you know like a random mysterious person.”

“Hate to interrupt but I’ve been told to retrieve you no matter what the circumstances.” The boy says.

“Wait how do we even know I’m the princess?”

“It's the only reason why he would be here.”

“Also a witch told me you were in a strange world, and this is very strange I mean look at your clothing.”

“Your the strange one here!”

“Son what's your name.”

“Demitri sir.”

“Demitri meet Vienna, your no longer strangers, now go. Your needed some where else.” My dad tells me, why is he acting like he doesn't care.

“But I can't just leave you.”

“Yes you can now go on and have a adventure, for me.” He tells me and I sigh. Demitri brushes of his green tunic looking more like Robin Hood.

“Don't worry I'll protect her.”

“You better, now off you two go.”

“Alright.” I finally say, Demitri grabs my hand as my dad turns on the portal. We go through it blinding me as my world went a deep black.


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45 Reviews


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Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:57 am
artsy wrote a review...



I want to say first and foremost, this is a pretty unique plot. I like how direct it's written, and how it keeps moving, but there are some parts that move a little too fast. There are spots where there aren't enough details.

I put on a Romeo and Juliet, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo.

This sounds awkward. Emphasize that Vienna's putting in a DVD or tape or something, rather than making them magically appear, even though she's secretly a princess that's (literally) out of this world. (Ba dum, tsh!)

Kids at my school hate me and sure maybe if I wasn't a gutless fish I would go to homecoming but I don't see the point; its not like I'll meet my prince charming.

Could you elaborate? The gutless fish thing made me curious for details...(hint hint!)

As I reach the cold basement floor I see a boy on the ground asleep or knocked out.

Slow down a little. We just found out that kids are bullying her, her mom is dead, and that her dad is trying to encourage to go to homecoming. I think the unconscious boy card is a little early in this one, or at least has a lack of details.

“Wait, you have a portal.?

Comma after wait. Replace period with question mark.

“Okay youryou're from his world. I’m sorry I didn't tell you.”

Replace your with you're. Add a period after world.

“WHAT!!!” I yell.

I'm pretty sure a question mark is needed in there somewhere in the array of exclamation points...

“Well, when you were a little baby I went through the portal and- well- the castle was being raided so I took you,. I’m sorry.”

Comma after Well. A dash or comma after and before well. Replace comma with period after you.

“Why? iIts not like youryou're going to let me go to some far off land.”

I think you get my format by now.

“Actually. it's exactly what I’m doing.”


“But he's some stranger, yYou know, like a random mysterious person.”


“Hate to interrupt, but I’ve been told to retrieve you no matter what the circumstances.” The boy says.


“Wait, how do we even know I’m the princess?”


“Also a witch told me you were in a strange world, and this is very strange. I mean. look at your clothing.”


YourYou're the strange one here!”


“Son, what's your name.?


“Demitri, sir.”


“Demitri, meet Vienna,; youryou're no longer strangers, now go. YourYou're needed somewhere[/s] else.” My dad tells me,[b]; why is he acting like he doesn't care..

Somewhere is one word.

“Yes you can/ Now go on and have a adventure, for me.” He tells me and I sigh. Demitri brushes of his green tunic, looking more like Robin Hood.


“Don't worry. I'll protect her.”


“You better,; now off you two go.”


“Alright.” I finally say,. Demitri grabs my hand as my dad turns on the portal. We go through it, blinding me as my world went a deep black.


Overall, I like where it's going, but the lack of detail is not engrossing me as much as it's able to. If you add more details, like more of Vienna's emotion, the way her dad steps carefully in the room, the physical description of Demitri, etc., then it makes it more interesting to read. This has a bunch of potential though, and I know you can do it. It just takes a lot of practice. Keep writing!




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Wed Jun 20, 2012 7:19 pm
TheAceofAll wrote a review...



Hey, sorry about the wait but this summer has been particularly hectic.

<I sat on the couch with a bowl of buttered popcorn. It was the night of the school homecoming but I didn't feel like going, I had no place there>
I was thinking maybe a ; after going. Or possibly for more dramatic effect, have that be a simple sentence. Sometimes simple sentences are appropriate for dramatic effect.

<. I put on a Romeo and Juliet, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo.>
this sentence is a little awkward so rewording would be a good idea.

<“No one is bullying me, I just don't want to go to some stupid dance.” I exclaim,>
I don't think you need the exclaim part. it's in the presence tense and just an exclamation part will suffice.

<“Vienna please come downstairs!” My father calls, I sigh and put my popcorn aside. I walk downstairs>
wasn't her dad next to her?

<“Wait you have a portal.”>
question mark and comma.

<“Well yes I am a scientist have to try something out of this world.”>
confusing sentence and a little rewording could fix all that.

There were a few other grammar errors but like a said, I'm not good at catching them. Overall, i think you jumped the gun with the story. give us a look into her everyday life and maybe slow it down with her dad just coming out and telling her. This is a common mistake and I cannot tell you how many times I've been told the same thing. Your story is good but like I said, just slow down and it will improve by ten fold.




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Fri Jun 15, 2012 9:09 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey there, Stella here!

I'll try and keep this short and sweet.

1) fix your tenses. Decide whether you want to stay in past or present tense and then stick to your decision. I know that it's easy to slip up- I'm so used to writing in past that I inevitably make mistakes while writing in present, but here I can't work out which one you actually want to use. So decide!

2) This is an extremely useful article by our very own Demeter about the correct way to punctuate dialogue. It's very important to understand this- and I know it took me ages to get. Read the article, and then go dig up a few books and look at the way that published authors do their dialogue, and see what you're doing wrong. Once you learn it, you never forget it, and it'll give your work an extra degree of polish that it doesn't have right now.

3) I'm kind of concerned about the fact that her dad has a PORTAL to ANOTHER WORLD in their basement and Vienna never knew. If he was working in a lab or something that's understandable but even so... wouldn't she be interested in his work? Wouldn't she go downstairs to the basement to see what was going on? So I think she would know of the portal's existence. Perhaps her surprise could be at the fact that he got it working or at the plain fact there's a boy on the floor.

4) Pacing- everything here happens super-quickly, and I'm not sure I like it. One minute she's sitting on the couch and then WHAM. Which is great! But after that 'wham' moment everything is happening too quickly. There's too much information and action going on. And her dad is so nonchalant. I realise that you can't wait to get to the meat of the story but it's important to think about character development too. I want to see Vienna being more incredulous, I'd like to get a better idea of Demitri. Also I'm surprised that they didn't at least offer him a cup of tea, or that he was so keen to go back to his own world straightaway.

Basically- relax. Just take a deep breath and slow down. At this rate your story will be over by Chapter Three. Beginnings are important, so give your story a chance to begin properly :)

Otherwise, Vienna seems like a super-interesting character, and this seems like a good premise!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




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Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:45 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions about anything from the technicalities of the sight to wanting something reviewed, just PM me.
The scene where she finds the boy is a bit abrupt and I feel like she should be more freaked out about it. It's not very realistic that her first response is to get all mad and go to bed and forget it ever happened. It's a lot of information flung at us all at once, and it's a bit much. Everyone's acting a bit too casual, especially the father.
You switch a bit from present to past tense, then settle on present tense for most of it. I would strongly suggest past tense. I wrote my entire novel in present tense, and now I'm going back and changing every say to said and yells to yelled because it just doesn't work to have it in present tense. Don't go down the same dark path. Switch to past tense early on.
I love your beginning, but beginnings are very important for stories, and even though yours is awesome, it doesn't fit with the rest of your novel that well; from your first paragraph, fantasy would be the very last thing I would have guessed.
I love your MC's personality. And you do an awesome job of giving us little clues to figuring it out. Instead of just coming out and saying she's kind of the romantic type, you have her watching Romeo and Juliet. Instead of telling us she's kind of cynical and not that optimistic, you have her thinking that she'll never find her Romeo. You give her this almost tragically soft side of her missing her mother. You've created a very complex character here and I feel like I know her. Awesome job with that.
Again, welcome to YWS! Feel free to PM me at any time and please PM me when you get the next chapter out so I can read it. I hope you continue this story. Hope this review helps!
-tgirly




Rav1209 says...


thanks so much for the review. thank you for the suggestions I'll keep them in mind! I just have one question, got any tips for fighting scenes?



tgirly says...


Umm... keep it moving and make sure whoever wins wins by the skin of their teeth so to speak. And don't be afraid to injure your characters but be a bit resonable in recovery time; don't let them break a hip and be up and hopping around in a few hours.



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Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:23 pm
MillarS wrote a review...



Oh, that's funny! Totally straight to the point! Love the names you picked! Simple beginning, keep on writing!

Best lines:
"...now go on and have an adventure, for me."
"Wait, you have a portal?"

The whole baby-exchange thing is really good. A totally original idea. Quite a fantasy. I'd say you could expand a bit more on description and maybe a little less speach, but other than that, it's really good!

~M.S




Rav1209 says...


Thank you!




A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin