I want to say first and foremost, this is a pretty unique plot. I like how direct it's written, and how it keeps moving, but there are some parts that move a little too fast. There are spots where there aren't enough details.
I put on a Romeo and Juliet, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo.
This sounds awkward. Emphasize that Vienna's putting in a DVD or tape or something, rather than making them magically appear, even though she's secretly a princess that's (literally) out of this world. (Ba dum, tsh!)
Kids at my school hate me and sure maybe if I wasn't a gutless fish I would go to homecoming but I don't see the point; its not like I'll meet my prince charming.
Could you elaborate? The gutless fish thing made me curious for details...(hint hint!)
As I reach the cold basement floor I see a boy on the ground asleep or knocked out.
Slow down a little. We just found out that kids are bullying her, her mom is dead, and that her dad is trying to encourage to go to homecoming. I think the unconscious boy card is a little early in this one, or at least has a lack of details.
“Wait, you have a portal.?”
Comma after wait. Replace period with question mark.
“Okayyouryou're from his world. I’m sorry I didn't tell you.”
Replace your with you're. Add a period after world.
“WHAT!!!” I yell.
I'm pretty sure a question mark is needed in there somewhere in the array of exclamation points...
“Well, when you were a little baby I went through the portal and- well- the castle was being raided so I took you,. I’m sorry.”
Comma after Well. A dash or comma after and before well. Replace comma with period after you.
“Why?iIts not likeyouryou're going to let me go to some far off land.”
I think you get my format by now.
“Actually. it's exactly what I’m doing.”
“But he's some stranger,yYou know, like a random mysterious person.”
“Hate to interrupt, but I’ve been told to retrieve you no matter what the circumstances.” The boy says.
“Wait, how do we even know I’m the princess?”
“Also a witch told me you were in a strange world, and this is very strange. I mean. look at your clothing.”
“YourYou're the strange one here!”
“Son, what's your name.?”
“Demitri, sir.”
“Demitri, meet Vienna,;youryou're no longer strangers, now go.YourYou're needed somewhere[/s] else.” My dad tells me,[b]; why is he acting like he doesn't care..
Somewhere is one word.
“Yes you can/ Now go on and have a adventure, for me.” He tells me and I sigh. Demitri brushes of his green tunic, looking more like Robin Hood.
“Don't worry. I'll protect her.”
“You better,; now off you two go.”
“Alright.” I finally say,. Demitri grabs my hand as my dad turns on the portal. We go through it, blinding me as my world went a deep black.
Overall, I like where it's going, but the lack of detail is not engrossing me as much as it's able to. If you add more details, like more of Vienna's emotion, the way her dad steps carefully in the room, the physical description of Demitri, etc., then it makes it more interesting to read. This has a bunch of potential though, and I know you can do it. It just takes a lot of practice. Keep writing!
Points: 4140
Reviews: 45
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