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The Five Kingdoms ch3

by Rav1209


Chapter 3

I only started to breath again until after Demitri let me go; making my breaths like gasps. Demitri seemed fine and calm from the whole experience, makes me wonder how used to killing he is.

“What was that!” I exclaimed at him starring at the ground, looking for more black puddles to avoid.

“They call themselves Shadows, their from the Obsidian Kingdom.”

“What kingdom am I princess of?”

“The Life Kingdom, polar opposite of the Shadows... Well everyone is, Shadows aren't alive they just evaporate after a stab to the head. His mask must have blocked my knife...” He told me walking on.

“Are there other kingdoms?” I asked following quickly after like a duckling. I didn't need to hear any more about these Shadows; they will certainly haunt my dreams later, like that mysterious man that's been scaring ever since I was a little girl.

“Yes, there's five main kingdoms that dominant each island. The other three are the Fire, Water, and Earth Kingdom.”

“Which one are you from?”

“What makes you think I’m not from the Life Kingdom?”

“I don't know, I just assumed...” I told him bringing some of light brown hair behind my ear.

“I'm from the Water Kingdom, but I grew up here. In the forests of the Life Kingdom.”

“Why?... If you don't mind my asking.” I asked catching myself, he certainly didn't have to tell me.

“My father was banished from the Water Kingdom. He's never told me why but that's how I become such a good bounty hunter or huntsmen if you prefer.”

“So you hunt down criminals, like dead or alive?”

“Sometimes, lately it's been escorting or body-guarding, like what I’m doing now.”

“What about your friends?”

“Oh we grew up together, hunting for food and doing you know normal stuff.”

“Demitri, two words different universe.”

“Right, we played, trained, and worked together.”

“Oh, I see.” I said, I wish I had friends like that back home. I mean I had friends it's just hard to get close to someone, after all, they could just go tell someone your secrets. The only one I've ever trusted is mom and she's dead, she's not even my real mom now that I think about it... I can't believe I just thought that! What kind of jerk daughter thinks that, even if she wasn't my real mother she was the closest thing I had. My real mother didn't do anything, she hasn't even looked for me for sixteen years! Why do they even want me now?

I stop, why now of all times. Why not when I was still a baby!

Demitri turned around noticing that I had stopped. He just stares at me a moment, and steps forward.

“Is something wrong princess?”

“I'm not a princess and I’m going home!” I yelled starting to hike back.

“Wait princess!” He yelled after me but I just keep going, starting to go faster. I tripped over a root and landed on the soft grass where I see a family of squirrels scurry off. My eyes start to blur but I pick myself up and keep running as fast as I can. Before I can even get past the next tree Demitri grabbed me with one arm pulling me back like a child.

“Let me go! I want to go home.” I yelled fussing trying to remove his grip from around me.

“I can't let you do that.”

“Why does money really matter that much to you?” I retort giving up on my struggles.

“A man, your uncle, is waiting for his only family to come home. I didn't want to be the one who told you this but your birth parents are dead, they were killed in the raid your father told you about. Your uncle simply wants to see you, I'll bring you back after the fact. But until then I'll carry you over my shoulders if I have to.” He tells me annoyed. I stayed silent and just stared at the ground, and like he knew that I would follow him now, he let me go. He sighed and tried to put a hand on my shoulder I whacked it away rising my head letting him see my tears. The rest of the walk was silent and I wiped my tears and put on a brave face as we entered town which was a bunch of tree houses linked by bridges.

We went to the inn where there was barely anyone inside, we approached the bar where only two people sat. A guy and girl laughing together merrily clashing their wooden mugs and drinking. The guy have a bow and quiver,filled with arrows, and the girl with two short swords hanging on her belt that was over her dress. As they saw Demitri they opened their arms and gave him a hug, how could they like such a heartless guy?

“Demitri your finally back!” the girl said kissing him on the cheek, her blond hair bright like the sun. Demitri blushed in response but smiled back, I looked away as she ruffled my hair like I actually was a child.

“I'm Rhonda and you must be the princess.”

“My name is Vienna, not princess...” I muttered crossing my arms.

“Sorry, it's common curtsey to call a lady by their proper title since we're are commoners and your royalty.” The boy smiled, his hair was white and his eyes a deep red, almost crimson. At least he seemed nice...

“She's not a big fan of the whole thing right now Aristotle.” Demitri explained, at least he was right about something.

“If she doesn't want to be royalty I'll take her place, I would love to wear a fancy dress for once and we would still get the money.” Rhonda told him, so it was about money!

“I told you Rhonda, I took no payment for this job.”

“Yeah but we should of...” She pouted, Demitri put his hand on his forehead like he had a bad headache but obviously that wasn't the case because he asked for drink.

“Rhonda can you watch the princess now, maybe take her shopping or something.” Demitri sighed drinking from the mug. Shopping? I don't want to shop especially not with her, she looks like she's jumping for joy at this, well without the jumping. I rolled my eyes as Rhonda took a small sack of coins, I wasn't in anyway looking forward to this. Rhonda grabbed my wrist and pulled me away like I’m was sack of potatoes.

I like to state the fact I’m now changing pov's to avoid confusion to the reader.

“How has your day been Aristotle?” I asked him sipping my drink slowly trying to drown my feelings.

“You mean besides being stuck with Rhonda all day? Better then I thought at least.” He told me and I laughed in response, there were to many times when Rhonda just hit the wrong buttons repeatedly.

“Glad it's been better than mine...”

“Why, what happened?” He asked concerned, it was rare I ever told him when I didn't like where my day had gone.

“Princesses are so hard to deal with...” I told him trying to avoid all detail of what had happened.

“I thought you said she didn't like this fact.”

“She doesn't and she refuses to think she's actually from here.”

“Well would you? She's been living on the other side her whole life. For her its like going to a different kingdom for the first time just much more different.” He said taking my drink away.

“What was that for!” I exclaimed trying to reach for my drink.

“There has been talk about bandits strolling around, waiting for a certain shipment to the castle. You shouldn't be drinking anyways, your still young.”

“Seventeen is not young! Besides your only a year older than me. I see your point though, we're going to have to be extra cautious.” I told him.

“So when do you think the princesses will be back.”

“Probably not for awhile, Rhonda is going to want to try on every dress and make Vienna do the same.”

“Vienna reminds me of the ocean...”

“Everything reminds you of the ocean.” I chuckled.

“Because everything can be related back to it, but she sounds very beautiful. What does she look like?” He asked.

“Light brown hair that's medium length, vibrant green eyes, a small nose, thin lips.”

“Sounds very unique, anymore detail you want to spare?”

“Small diamond shaped face, she has a small body frame, and soft skin.”

“Soft skin? When did you touch her skin?”

“Oh we had a tussle with a Shadow.”

“That's not answering my question.” He said laughing with a waving tone.

“Yeah well your drunk.”

“Not drunk enough it seems.” He said taking a swig of my drink.

“You shouldn't drink either.” I told him taking the cup.

“Your right but I handle my liquor unlike a certain friend I know.”

“Oh look, here comes the princess and Rhonda.” I said avoiding the comment, the both came back with new clothes. Vienna wearing green dress with a brown leather outer corset and Rhonda wearing a purple dress.

“I feel as though I can't breath...” Vienna said pushing back some of her hair, and her crying face flashed before me for a split second it showing sheer sadness. I have to say when I saw it I thought I would've seen more anger or annoyance.

“Don't worry you'll get used to it.” Rhonda smiled at her, not if she leaves right after she sees her uncle.

“I don't want to get used to it, I mean I’m looking all dressed up for nothing.”

“For nothing! Your getting dressed up to impress boys darling.” Rhonda said condescendingly, this won't end well.

“I'm not your darling, I’m probably no younger then you are!”

“Really? You're too short to be my age honey.” Rhonda told her keeping the same tone as before.

“When did height have anything to do with age honey?”

“I'm eighteen now be quiet while the grown ups talk.”

“I happen to be seventeen and what ever you guys are talking about I want to be included on since it is me you are delivering to a castle against my will, when I have lived happily without wearing a corset which makes it hard to breath and without someone my own age looking down on me with more then just her eyes!”

“Okay that is enough of that! You two better make nice by tomorrow or it won't be a fun trip to the castle!” I yelled out of annoyance.

“It never was going to be a fun trip.” Vienna said solemnly, her arms crossed and her face turned away.


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Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:58 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



HeyRav, Stella here, I just saw this was up and decided to take a look!

I only started to breath again until after Demitri let me go;


breathe

their from the Obsidian Kingdom.”


they're

doing you know normal stuff.”


doing, you know, normal stuff

I'll bring you back after the fact.


the fact?
“She's not a big fan of the whole thing right now Aristotle.”


Here's a fun fact, when you're addressing someone in conversation, depending on where their name is, there's a comma before or after it, or possibly one at each end. Go look in a few books, and you'll see, it's true!

“Yeah but we should of...”


should have

I like to state the fact I’m now changing pov's to avoid confusion to the reader.


lol, fine with me, and thanks for saying, but maybe find a more eloquent way to put this? Maybe head up each PoV with the character's name?

“Oh look, here comes the princess and Rhonda.” I said avoiding the comment, the both came back with new clothes. Vienna wearing green dress with a brown leather outer corset and Rhonda wearing a purple dress.


Okay well that was super-quick.

So a few things:

-Your punctuation really needs work, it's kind of all over the place at the moment. These things really are important, and don't ignore them just because they're boring. They're extremely useful tools in storytelling- that's why punctuation exists! So please pay a little more attention to getting the basics right, and always proofread something after you've finished it.

-I'm loving the character development here, but I'd like to see a bit more explanation on Rhonda. Neither of the boys seem to like her very much, so why do they hang out with her? When you're in Demitri's PoV, feel free to use that to express his thoughts about Rhonda.

-which brings me to my next point. My favourite part of this was Vienna thinking about her mother. Why? Because you let us into the character's head! Do that a bit more often, it'll make us like the characters more if we can see their motivations. The thing that's getting me at the moment is the contradiction in Vienna's character. I liked how you showed us she was a romantic at the beginning, but now all she wants to do is go home? That doesn't make any sense!

Overall, though, this was good. I liked how you started to explain the kingdoms, and why Vienna has been brought here. I still wish she was more curious, but I guess that's a character thing, not a writing thing xD

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x





"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu