Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Realistic

18+ Language Mature Content

Dear Arizona (2)

by Rascalover


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

10/20/19

Dear Arizona,

I told Justin about my travel plans, and he said it sounds expensive and he probably won't see me until next summer.That makes me anxious because I don't want him entertaining other women, even though he probably is. He said he's staying away from drugs, but he sent me a selfie, and his eyes looked funny, like when he was high with me, pupils dilated and the corners sweating.

I've already text him three times with no reply because 1) I told him it wouldn't take me that long to raise money. 2) I asked if he wanted to travel with me. 3) I told him about my first burn blister because I thought he'd find it humorous. I always reminded him to be careful because he was always burning his hands and arms cooking at work because his right arm was paralyzed, and since I can't feel my fingers, I got my first burn blister, and I'm sure he'll enjoy some kind of ironic banter about that.

I wonder if he thinks about me throughout the day like I think about him. I wonder if he ever actually loved me. Yesterday, he said he can't wait to see me, and I hate it when he says shit like that because it makes me feel like he actually cares, when in reality he's probably hoping I never come back to Arizona.

Another thing I wanted to text him, but I'll just leave here, is that he really did awaken this nomad inside of me. I want to see lots more. I want to have lots more adventures. I just need to be brave enough to do it on my own.

And, I'm struggling with not getting paid yet. I need my drugs. I stole a bottle of Crown from my dad, but that won't last long. I'm out of cigarettes too. I just want to feel white powder fly up my nose, a nice drag of a cigarette, a strong drink, and a couple thousand of Justin's kisses so I can remember what he taste like. When he was in rehab, he always tasted like caramel coffee and menthol cigarettes. It was the yummiest combination, and I could never get enough of him. I wonder if there's anything about me that he misses. I'd ask him, but he'd probably not answer or he'd give some kind of half ass answer that could apply to any girl.

To add to the drama, I finally had the courage to tell Davinity what I think of her. I can't believe Aunt Kathy had the audacity to say Davinity and I were in the same boat. Davinity has never had to struggle for anything in her life. Kathy just signed for her to drive around a brand new car because Davinity thinks she's too good for anything less than. She's such an ugly person. It makes me want to actually vomit.

I did actually go hangout with John yesterday. He seemed chill, funny, and I will definitely hang out with him again. But, I was so nervous that I never made eye contact with him, not once, and that was awkward because he kept asking me if I was okay.

Oh! I forgot to add that Emily keeps wanting me to hang out her and her dealer. They give me free drugs, but it feels unsafe. Every time I do drugs I always have a safe person with me like Danny, Justin. But Emily can't be a safe person because she went behind my back to have sex with Justin. And Justin even told me not to hang out with her because she's trouble. But I want powder and so far she's the only one I can get it from. It's just I don't understand why she always wants me to hang out for free. Like, i'm not about to have sex or any shit like that for drugs. Fuck it. I might text or call Justin to see if he has a connect for it out here. He should. If not, I'll just ask for Sheila's number.

I bet if I hadn't been so whacked outta my mind on meth, I would have stayed in Arizona, and my life would be so different right now. And, I know if I go back, I'll struggle with trusting Justin. I'll struggle with missing my family, but really since I've been back, I can tell they only missed me because I was far away.

Brandon for example! My heart is so hurt because I thought Brandon and I were real friends, but since I've been back to town, he's done nothing but blow me off. It's annoying because I don't understand what I did to make him distance himself. He was the one person I looked forward to seeing the most.

Working at Chipotle is stressful when they are busy! Sunday church crowd is the worst! I'm so glad I lied so I could leave early. But now all I want to do is get high and talk to Justin and I can't do either of those things. He says his phone's fucked up, but I think he only text me when he's at Stackers because he's going on dates and shit before work. Which would be classic Justin because he can't stand to be alone.

I wonder if I can snag another twenty bucks from my parents. I wonder if Danny'll drive out here for a twenty

Because I'm nosey as fuck, I looked for pictures of Justin on his ex's page, and I think my soul just plummeted. Why does seeing shit like that always hurt? I fucking HATE it! But, it's okay because that's what I needed to know he'll never love me. The way he looks in pictures with her, he never looked with me. So now I can start moving on, and moving forward with loving myself.

So I got twenty bucks, but Danny kept going back and forth about whether he wanted to come or not, so I got cigarettes and drinks instead. I tried going to Jenny's house, but she wasn't home. Danny called and cussed me out because he ended up showing up at my house after I spent the money. Then he texted and messaged me a million times all pissed off. I just deleted them without reading them.

Gina text me letting me know she lost her baby, and after talking with her I felt so heart broken. I remember being so excited in Arizona when she called to tell me she was pregnant. I'm at a loss for words.

I know I said I wouldn't talk to Justin today because of my sudden realization, but I wanted his opinion on whether I should block Danny's number cause I really need to focus on staying clean,and I shared the news about Gina's baby because he was with me when I found out she was pregnant, and all he had to say about either one was “idk hun”. I'm not surprised, but I'm mad at myself for still being hurt by his short reactions. I really need to stop talking to him and let him go.

John text me about being stood up, and that he's just going to travel like me and forget about dating. John and Alex look more and more dateable everyday, but I know I need to fix myself before I start another relationship. So, hopefully they can be patient enough to just be friends until I get my shit together.

I'm still just so frustrated about Justin and Danny's behavior, but they're addicts, and I shouldn't expect any more. I told Jenny this the other day and the more I think about it, the more I think it's true: I ended up dating someone just like my cousin. And for some reason I'm drawn to that type of personality.

For now, fuck Justin, fuck Danny. I'm gonna listen to music, smoke cigarettes, and get drunk. Then sleep, so I can be on time for work tomorrow.

It's confusing days like this that I really wish I could just die in my sleep. I took fourteen sleeping pills in Arizona, and still woke up. WTF is my life.

Also, I weighed myself today. It said 257. I weighed 280 when I went to Arizona and I weighed 261 when I came back to Ohio three weeks ago. Hopefully I keep losing weight. I really wish the crank diet was legal.

So Heather was on facebook talking about how her ex tried to add her, talking about he has his own place (just renting a room), and a new truck so he's a real man now, and I can't help but think that she's talking about Justin because he lives with Gordon and said he was getting a truck at the end of the month and he's always trying to talk to his exes.

I was able to not text Justin from 7:06 to 9:46 that's the longest I've been able to ignore him in the evenings. But when he text a third time saying “Hey?” I felt like a response was okay. Even just as friends, I really do enjoy talking to him. When he's sober, he's good at listening and not judging. I just need to keep in mind that he'll always just be a friend because he doesn't love me, won't change for me, and doesn't appreciate me in his life. And now that I answered him, he's not answering back and it's making me anxious. I knew it would, ugh. I don't know why I do this to myself.

I'm also anxious because when people, like Ryan, ask what happened in Arizona, and I tell them the truth, I get super paranoid that they'll tell him, and then he'll get mad and block my number. Apart of his emotional abuse was the constant threat of abandonment, and I don't think I'll ever get over that.

I text Kari that I missed her, and I'm so surprised she answered! She is a traveling nurse now, so it'll be a challenge to find a day to reconnect but I hope we do. She's an amazing person.

Welp, I promised myself I'd go to bed early, and here it is 10:45, I'm gonna chug this adult beverage and if Justin doesn't answer back soon, I'm not going to wait for him. Rationally, he's busy at work, but still I get tired of always being the one who has to wait.

<3 Tiffany

P.S. Number one million why I hate texting Justin. I told him about losing weight and I asked him how his day was, and all I got back was a "lovers you too babe". Ugh. Why do I even expect anything more? Why do I even try? 

P.P.S. Also, I hate losing weight because of the loose skin. Yuck. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2020 9:52 pm
View Likes
tgham99 wrote a review...



Hi! Tee jumping in for a review of this second chapter because I enjoyed reading the first installment very much.

As I mentioned in my review of the first piece, I like that we get a good look into the narrator's mindset here. I also like that her thoughts seem to be all over the place, which I feel is very reflective of what writing in a diary actually looks like; in this way, the piece is far more realistic than some others that I have read in the past. She has a lot of thoughts running through her head at once, and watching her put everything down on paper is a good way of getting your reader to both sympathize and analyze what's going through her mind.

I also like that she's a problematic narrator who does things like smoke cigarettes and drink. This humanizes her and gives us some insight into the darker aspects of a troubled person's mind; it's these different parts to her personality that tie everything together.

I hope this review was helpful; I intentionally stayed away from grammar or spelling issues because I saw that a few other reviewers have already done a great job hitting those points. You have laid a good foundation for our narrator here, and so far you've set the scene for a path towards growth (however intentional or not) in the face of the adversities she's struggling with.

Write on!!




Rascalover says...


Thank you so much!



User avatar
926 Reviews


Points: 124636
Reviews: 926

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2020 9:31 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hello again! Reviewing this chapter as well.

I've already text him three times
the past tense form of "text" is "texted"

I bet if I hadn't been so whacked outta my mind on meth, I would have stayed in Arizona, and my life would be so different right now. And, I know if I go back, I'll struggle with trusting Justin.
- Oh no! This is definitely a new development from the previous entry, in the last entry she seemed conflicted but not to the point of moving back, in this one it looks like she wants to be in a relationship with Justin again and get back so she can have comfort, safety, and drugs.

I think there are portions in here that feel a little distracting from the main story - like very much like different tangents for instance the parts about working at chipotle. This chapter also introduces a lot of different characters that show the speaker's development, but in some places don't seem to be at the heart of the story, I don't think there needs to be so many characters in here - especially if some of them aren't going to get mentioned again, even just saying "a friend" in some places would work fine. I might condense this one a bit to be more stream-lined.

This showed a different side to Tiffany again, and continues to show the conflictedness of her thoughts about Justin and her own growth.

all the best,

alliyah




Rascalover says...


Thank you so much for the helpful review!!



User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 4036
Reviews: 68

Donate
Thu Jan 02, 2020 3:57 pm
View Likes
MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi there,

The first chapter painted a pretty clear picture of where the character stands. But it was just about Tiffany Brooke and Justin. I feel you've introduced too many characters here in chapter 2. I don't think I finished reading knowing much about any of the new characters. At one point I confused Justin with John but that might just be me. There's not necessarily anything wrong with dropping a lot of names in a chapter as long as you develop them in the future. We got some more insight into Justin. I think Emily could be an interesting character. The grammatical errors aren't anything a little proofread can't fix, if you choose to do that. Important thing is to keep on writing.

Excelsior!

~MAS




Rascalover says...


Thanks!!!



User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 67

Donate
Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:14 pm
Anamel wrote a review...



Off the bat, I'm gonna assume this is a diary. I pictured her with a nasally voice reading this, like a kind of cliche popular girl voice. From what I can pick up she thinks obsessively, is nosy, whines, problematic, and wishful. It does sound realistic as an entry since her thinking isn't very structured. I like the name "Dear Arizona" as well.


"like when he was high with me, pupils dilated and the corners sweating."

Sweating is an interesting word to use in this scenario, it could just be her choice of words but I'm assuming it means they were tearing up.

"I've already text him"
*texted him

"Yesterday, he said he can't wait to see me, and I hate it when he says shit like that because it makes me feel like he actually cares, when in reality he's probably hoping I never come back to Arizona"

She seems really clingy and holding onto the past even though she subconsciously knows it isn't good for her and that he's out probably cheating anyway. I think this could be a great thing to use for character development because in the story she wants to explore more.

"I forgot to add that Emily keeps wanting me to hang out her and her dealer."
*hang out with her and her

"Every time I do drugs I always have a safe person with me like Danny, Justin."
*Danny or Justin

" I might text or call Justin to see if he has a connect for it out here."
*connection

"It's annoying because I don't understand what I did to make him distance himself. He was the one person I looked forward to seeing the most."
Now it seems like she isn't really self-aware and that her meth addiction drove him away.

"I wonder if Danny'll drive out here for a twenty"
*forgot a period after twenty

"So now I can start moving on, and moving forward with loving myself."
I feel like this isn't gonna last long for her lol

Overall it seems like a realistic portrayal of a character, especially since it's in memory order. She sounds like a mess right now though haha.




Rascalover says...


Thanks so much for the review!




In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore