Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
I told Justin about my travel plans, and he said it sounds expensive and he probably won't see me until next summer.That makes me anxious because I don't want him entertaining other women, even though he probably is. He said he's staying away from drugs, but he sent me a selfie, and his eyes looked funny, like when he was high with me, pupils dilated and the corners sweating.
I've already text him three times with no reply because 1) I told him it wouldn't take me that long to raise money. 2) I asked if he wanted to travel with me. 3) I told him about my first burn blister because I thought he'd find it humorous. I always reminded him to be careful because he was always burning his hands and arms cooking at work because his right arm was paralyzed, and since I can't feel my fingers, I got my first burn blister, and I'm sure he'll enjoy some kind of ironic banter about that.
I wonder if he thinks about me throughout the day like I think about him. I wonder if he ever actually loved me. Yesterday, he said he can't wait to see me, and I hate it when he says shit like that because it makes me feel like he actually cares, when in reality he's probably hoping I never come back to Arizona.
Another thing I wanted to text him, but I'll just leave here, is that he really did awaken this nomad inside of me. I want to see lots more. I want to have lots more adventures. I just need to be brave enough to do it on my own.
And, I'm struggling with not getting paid yet. I need my drugs. I stole a bottle of Crown from my dad, but that won't last long. I'm out of cigarettes too. I just want to feel white powder fly up my nose, a nice drag of a cigarette, a strong drink, and a couple thousand of Justin's kisses so I can remember what he taste like. When he was in rehab, he always tasted like caramel coffee and menthol cigarettes. It was the yummiest combination, and I could never get enough of him. I wonder if there's anything about me that he misses. I'd ask him, but he'd probably not answer or he'd give some kind of half ass answer that could apply to any girl.
To add to the drama, I finally had the courage to tell Davinity what I think of her. I can't believe Aunt Kathy had the audacity to say Davinity and I were in the same boat. Davinity has never had to struggle for anything in her life. Kathy just signed for her to drive around a brand new car because Davinity thinks she's too good for anything less than. She's such an ugly person. It makes me want to actually vomit.
I did actually go hangout with John yesterday. He seemed chill, funny, and I will definitely hang out with him again. But, I was so nervous that I never made eye contact with him, not once, and that was awkward because he kept asking me if I was okay.
Oh! I forgot to add that Emily keeps wanting me to hang out her and her dealer. They give me free drugs, but it feels unsafe. Every time I do drugs I always have a safe person with me like Danny, Justin. But Emily can't be a safe person because she went behind my back to have sex with Justin. And Justin even told me not to hang out with her because she's trouble. But I want powder and so far she's the only one I can get it from. It's just I don't understand why she always wants me to hang out for free. Like, i'm not about to have sex or any shit like that for drugs. Fuck it. I might text or call Justin to see if he has a connect for it out here. He should. If not, I'll just ask for Sheila's number.
I bet if I hadn't been so whacked outta my mind on meth, I would have stayed in Arizona, and my life would be so different right now. And, I know if I go back, I'll struggle with trusting Justin. I'll struggle with missing my family, but really since I've been back, I can tell they only missed me because I was far away.
Brandon for example! My heart is so hurt because I thought Brandon and I were real friends, but since I've been back to town, he's done nothing but blow me off. It's annoying because I don't understand what I did to make him distance himself. He was the one person I looked forward to seeing the most.
Working at Chipotle is stressful when they are busy! Sunday church crowd is the worst! I'm so glad I lied so I could leave early. But now all I want to do is get high and talk to Justin and I can't do either of those things. He says his phone's fucked up, but I think he only text me when he's at Stackers because he's going on dates and shit before work. Which would be classic Justin because he can't stand to be alone.
I wonder if I can snag another twenty bucks from my parents. I wonder if Danny'll drive out here for a twenty
Because I'm nosey as fuck, I looked for pictures of Justin on his ex's page, and I think my soul just plummeted. Why does seeing shit like that always hurt? I fucking HATE it! But, it's okay because that's what I needed to know he'll never love me. The way he looks in pictures with her, he never looked with me. So now I can start moving on, and moving forward with loving myself.
So I got twenty bucks, but Danny kept going back and forth about whether he wanted to come or not, so I got cigarettes and drinks instead. I tried going to Jenny's house, but she wasn't home. Danny called and cussed me out because he ended up showing up at my house after I spent the money. Then he texted and messaged me a million times all pissed off. I just deleted them without reading them.
Gina text me letting me know she lost her baby, and after talking with her I felt so heart broken. I remember being so excited in Arizona when she called to tell me she was pregnant. I'm at a loss for words.
I know I said I wouldn't talk to Justin today because of my sudden realization, but I wanted his opinion on whether I should block Danny's number cause I really need to focus on staying clean,and I shared the news about Gina's baby because he was with me when I found out she was pregnant, and all he had to say about either one was “idk hun”. I'm not surprised, but I'm mad at myself for still being hurt by his short reactions. I really need to stop talking to him and let him go.
John text me about being stood up, and that he's just going to travel like me and forget about dating. John and Alex look more and more dateable everyday, but I know I need to fix myself before I start another relationship. So, hopefully they can be patient enough to just be friends until I get my shit together.
I'm still just so frustrated about Justin and Danny's behavior, but they're addicts, and I shouldn't expect any more. I told Jenny this the other day and the more I think about it, the more I think it's true: I ended up dating someone just like my cousin. And for some reason I'm drawn to that type of personality.
For now, fuck Justin, fuck Danny. I'm gonna listen to music, smoke cigarettes, and get drunk. Then sleep, so I can be on time for work tomorrow.
It's confusing days like this that I really wish I could just die in my sleep. I took fourteen sleeping pills in Arizona, and still woke up. WTF is my life.
Also, I weighed myself today. It said 257. I weighed 280 when I went to Arizona and I weighed 261 when I came back to Ohio three weeks ago. Hopefully I keep losing weight. I really wish the crank diet was legal.
So Heather was on facebook talking about how her ex tried to add her, talking about he has his own place (just renting a room), and a new truck so he's a real man now, and I can't help but think that she's talking about Justin because he lives with Gordon and said he was getting a truck at the end of the month and he's always trying to talk to his exes.
I was able to not text Justin from 7:06 to 9:46 that's the longest I've been able to ignore him in the evenings. But when he text a third time saying “Hey?” I felt like a response was okay. Even just as friends, I really do enjoy talking to him. When he's sober, he's good at listening and not judging. I just need to keep in mind that he'll always just be a friend because he doesn't love me, won't change for me, and doesn't appreciate me in his life. And now that I answered him, he's not answering back and it's making me anxious. I knew it would, ugh. I don't know why I do this to myself.
I'm also anxious because when people, like Ryan, ask what happened in Arizona, and I tell them the truth, I get super paranoid that they'll tell him, and then he'll get mad and block my number. Apart of his emotional abuse was the constant threat of abandonment, and I don't think I'll ever get over that.
I text Kari that I missed her, and I'm so surprised she answered! She is a traveling nurse now, so it'll be a challenge to find a day to reconnect but I hope we do. She's an amazing person.
Welp, I promised myself I'd go to bed early, and here it is 10:45, I'm gonna chug this adult beverage and if Justin doesn't answer back soon, I'm not going to wait for him. Rationally, he's busy at work, but still I get tired of always being the one who has to wait.
P.S. Number one million why I hate texting Justin. I told him about losing weight and I asked him how his day was, and all I got back was a "lovers you too babe". Ugh. Why do I even expect anything more? Why do I even try?
P.P.S. Also, I hate losing weight because of the loose skin. Yuck.