Preface:
So, the year of 2019
changed my life in many ways: my first real love, my first apartment,
my first road trip with friends and not family, my first experience
with addiction, my first heartbreak, and my first experience with
trauma in my adulthood, even though my childhood was full of trauma,
experiencing it later in life definitely feels different, more
desperate. I escaped death and found myself sleeping on the floor of
my childhood bedroom. I had a choice to make, lay down in defeat and
die or get up work hard and live. Without my best friend, ex-lover to
figure things out with I resorted to my first ever diary to vent out
all of my thoughts and feelings. I love writing, so journaling
shouldn't be that hard for me, but in my past I tried and tried to
keep a journal or diary, and I always found that my life was too
boring, or my emotions were too strong to face, and I always ended up
never finishing. But, this journal has a purpose, and only I'll know
when I've reached it. Hopefully by allowing others to peek into my
life, they will be more informed about sex abuse, rape, domestic
violence, emotional abuse, and mental health. Loving yourself should
always be on your priority list, and sometimes it takes us a lot
longer than others to realize that. I am here. I survived. And, I
wholeheartedly believe I made it through, so I can be an anchor and
spokesperson for those still struggling to not drown in these messy
situations. I will fight for you, listen to you, and hold your hand
and wipe your tears as you discover your own self healing. It is hard
and lonely at times, but I, Tiffany Brooke, promise you are never
alone.
10/19/19
Dear Arizona,
My life has been a bunch of crazy ups
and downs lately. I wanted Justin and Arizona to work out so badly,
but I never asked if that's what Jesus wanted for my life. During
this time, I need Jesus to be my best friend. I need to confide
everything in Him, and I need Him to guide me. I still make poor
choices. I still believe I can have the best of both worlds, but I
know the drinking, the drugs, the bad influences will all catch up
with me one day.
Why does music so perfectly sum up our
feelings? Jesus, I've text Justin like five times in a row even
though I keep telling myself I'm only going to text him if he text me
first. My feelings are so mixed up. I know orI think I know I'll
never mean much to Justin or he'd actually change, but I am so deadly
in love with him that I'll accept any morsel of attention he'll give
me. There's other people who deserve my love and attention more than
he does, but I still let him control all the thoughts I have, and
things I do. I thought this was my time to shine. I was going to have
my own place, job, car; I was going to be independent with someone
who picked me, wanted me, loved me! But, it wasn't the life I had
always envisioned for myself. I settled for less because I believe I
have little to no worth. My self esteem is at a negative level, so I
accepted all the behavior I said I never would. He pushed me, tried
to run me over with my own car on my birthday, threw me down stairs,
was drunk or high more than he was sober on an every day basis. I
still love him because I can see his potential to be a good person,
but he has to forgive himself, love himself, and start to heal from
his own shitty past. I don't know if he'll ever start that journey,
and I feel like shit because I wanted to be the one to love him
through that journey of self acceptance.
I feel paranoid and crazy when I know
he's posting new pictures on snapchat because his snap score is going
up, but he's not posting on his story for everyone to see, and I
automatically assume he's talking and having sex with someone new. I
only care because he says he still loves me, wants me, and can't wait
until I'm back in Arizona. I just wanted it to work with him so much
that it's hard to imagine a future without him, but I think he's okay
if his future is without me. So, it's time to focus on loving me. I
want to save money for a car, a place, and future travel. I want to
take a vacation to Disneyland by myself. I want to start therapy for
myself. I also, do NOT want to work at Chipotle for the rest of my
life.
Being back in Ohio has made me feel
like I'm better off dead. I feel like I should just spend the rest of
my time on Earth traveling and then die young. As much as I want to
be a wife and mother, I don't think that's suppose to be apart of my
story. That feels heartbreaking, but hopefully acknowledging this
will help me move on and stop fantasizing about a life I'll never
have. I'm thankful for what I currently have, but I never want to hit
rock bottom again, unless I am going to end up dead.
I wanted that married, mom, career,
strong woman life, but bad boys, drugs, alcohol, and several failed
attempts at an independent life robbed me of that because of all the
time I've wasted, I feel like I'm too old to accomplish any of that.
I want to be wanted and loved. I want to be chosen by someone. I want
to feel like I'm not a failure, but I also enjoy the way drugs and
alcohol make everything numb. I just want to be numb to everything
going on inside of me, and pleasant for everyone to be around.
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