chapter 2 - Friday, August 28th 3:21 P.M.
“Amy?” A soft voice prodded through the blank darkness. “Amy, honey wake up.” A cool hand patted her cheek.
Amy struggled towards the murky face. “Mama?”
But it wasn’t her mother. The high tones of Gracious perfume echoed a voice too husky to ever be her mother’s.
“Honey, are you OK?” Lara was checking her over, undoubtedly looking for broken bones.
“I had a flashback.” Amy tried to sit up and winced.
“No, no, don’t try and move.” Her adoptive mother patted her arm while trying to make her comfortable. That proved hard to do on a bare wood floor. “Paul, will you get me an ice pack? I have a feeling she’ll need it.”
Her husband muttered to himself, stepping over Amy in a huff of dramatics, as if she was a roach to be crushed and rid of.
“Just lie back and rest for now.” Lara shifted and Amy heard as she flipped her long hair behind her shoulders. “Where does it hurt the most?”
Amy touched her temple and Lara crooned. “Oh, Amy.”
Though a bit young to appear very matronly, Lara was always good to have around when Amy needed a little bit of extra babying.
Heavy footsteps pounded on the wood floor, each step resonating in Amy’s head as Paul returned. “Here.” He growled out and Amy heard the sharp rustle of frozen plastic.
Lara seemed bewildered. “Green beans? Paul I asked for an ice pack! What in the world am I supposed to do with green beans?”
“They work.” Paul bit out. “Have before. Besides, you forgot to put the ice packs in the freezer.”
“They’re in the freezer just under the-,” Lara paused and Amy could almost hear her thoughts. Typical Paul to just blame someone else when he was too lazy to do the work himself. “Never mind I’ll get them.”
Lara stood and left the room, a tense air settling in her absence. The same feeling Amy always got when alone with Paul.
“So what were you doing out on the front porch?” Amy winced again, this time more of dread then pain. But was there really a difference?
“Amy Landers I am talking to you.”
Here comes the interrogation. “I was reading a book.”
“I told you I didn’t want you outside.” The deep tone of his accusation pounded in her head.
“Then what was the purpose of moving again?” Amy cried. “I’m dead to him remember? I’m supposed to be safe!”
Light footsteps approached quickly, as Lara returned quick to intervene. “Of course you’re safe, dear. Paul is just worried about you.” Her tone changed to a warning as her and Paul came to a silent stand-off.
“I had a flashback, that’s all!” Her voice tremored and Amy hated how pitiful her defense sounded.
“There, there.” Lara crooned, helping her sit up. “How about going to lie down? I can get you some Tylenol for that headache.”
Amy mumbled an agreement, stumbling down the hall leaning on Lara for sole support. Recuperation after a flashback depended on how big the impact on her both emotionally and physically. Four years ago she wouldn’t have been able to move from that floor for neither love nor money because of how the certain levels of traumatization affected her brain. While it was getting better, Amy knew she would never be able to fully escape its clutches. One day she would probably have a breakdown and no one would be able to help her. She wished she could just stay in one place. All this moving disoriented her not only because of her blindness and her need of stability, but again the emotional toll it took on her. The new school, meeting new people. Her “disability” always weighed heavily on fitting in or making any friends. And the last thing she needed was another friend like Jamie.
Those boys she met today were nice enough she supposed, and inviting her to go to Becker’s was nice, but let’s just see how much time they had to hit on her once they found out she was blind.
~
Saturday, August 29th 10:10 P.M.
"You took her shopping today without my permission?"
Amy huddled deep under her covers even though it was a hot August night. She listened, wincing at the muffled roar. Paul had an awful temper and it simmered near to boiling on days when he'd had a bad experience at work.
"Why not?" Lara asked. "She needed some new shoes."
"It's my job to keep her safe you darned woman!" Paul pounded a fist on the table and a sharp crash echoed his movements.
"Paul, look what you've done!" Lara cried. "And with Amy asleep-!"
"I can do what I want to around here! And you remember that!" Amy could see Paul shaking his finger at her, and Lara slowly and submissively backing down.
She did, as usual, have the right words to sooth his anger. Those words were like giving a pacifier to an agitated baby. "Of course you can, Paul." She said quickly. "I know you have Amy's best interests in mind. But don't worry so much, it'll give you gray hairs." Amy heard the quick peck on the cheek and Lara's footsteps down the hall as she called out "I'm going to bed now. Don't stay up too late!"
Amy lay frozen beneath the covers, wishing Paul would go to bed, but instead he bumbled around the kitchen muttering to himself. She didn't know how long she lay there, but went to rest her eyes for just a second...
Then her eyes popped open in a start and she could - see? Yes! She could see everything! The big bay windows of her families living room and the soft warmth of the sun streaming in!
I must have fallen asleep on the couch. Amy pushed herself up and looked around the familiar setting. Everything seemed normal. Sunlight, the sweetest sunlight she had ever seen glowed off the walls as it bounced happily between picture frames illuminating smile after smile.
Strangely, though no one seemed to be around. Amy glanced about again and reached out to straighten her mother's latest copy of Southern Living on the coffee table. Then she got up and began pacing. It seemed as if she was imprisoned in the living room, shackled to it in some unseen way. She finally sat back down, but this time in her father's easy chair, rapping her fingers on her knees until she saw it.
Displayed on the top shelf of her mother's hutch were a collection of three plates with hand painted birds on them. Mama always arranged them with the Blue jay on the right and the Cardinal in the middle, not the other way around. Amy sighed as got back up. Celia had probably been playing with them again.
Amy had just opened the hutch doors and was reaching for the plate when there came a high pitched scream echoing as if it was from a horror movie. It bounced off the walls, distant, yet growing in strength and power. It gripped as an unseen hand, wrapping it's terror around the windows and doors shaking the house to the very roots of it's foundation. Amy seemed glued to the spot even as the world heaved around her and she could only watch as the hutch tremored violently shaking it's contents and sending them rattling, crashing and shattering to the floor. First the wren, and then the Blue jay fell in slow motion Amy reaching out in a vain desperation.
The screams were suddenly tuned to a higher octave, now a keen wail. The Cardinal danced on the edge of the shelf and Amy fell towards it just as it dipped from it's perch slipping beyond her reach and dashing to pieces at her feet. The room grew dim as Amy's eyes fixed upon the shattered face of the redbird. It's paint seemed to be liquefying before her very eyes, thick and oozing as it crept around the shattered pieces swirling as it flooded over her feet threatening to carry her away in the tide.
The hollow screaming faded replaced by a small child's voice. "Amy?" A small plea in a tearful anguish. "Amy!"
"CeCe?" Amy twisted and turned, looking desperately for her little sister but everything was shrouded in darkness. A darkness all too familiar.
"CeCe no! You have to answer me!" Amy slipped and fell, her hands covered in the sticky wetness as she crawled feeling blindly through the dark. She could feel the blood, taste it.
Amy woke with a start, a cold sweat making her palms slick. She had bit her tongue and the blood smeared her teeth, the feeling raw and turning her stomach. Just another start to a restless night in the life of Amy Landers
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!
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This is a good chapter. I was a little sad that Paul wasn't all that sympathetic, but it makes the story interesting. Besides, you did the unexpected. I was expecting her adoptive parents to be supportive and caring but it turns out only the mother is. Nice job
~What needs fixing-
When she became blind I was a little bit confused. I am aware that this is all happening in a dream so anything is possible but I am also guessing that its more of a flashback then anything. So I was curious on how she became blind? Was it a bomb that shook her house and that was the cause of it or was it an earthquake? Or was it entirely something different?
If it were a bomb than that would explain why the FBI was involved...
So I didn't see anything to noticeable like the last chapter, so I suppose that's a good thing. One thing though, when she can see again (this is only an option because it worked the other way to) it would be cool if you just made her see the sunlight streaming in and then see the rest of the details, leaving us readers in a confusion until the end when we find out she is just dreaming.
~What I liked-
I liked how you had that dream. It showed us a bit of her past and it left us hanging on what had happened. It was intriguing and suspenseful through the entire thing. It makes me sad that CeCe was only 5, I think it was on her tombstone, because whenever things happen to children in movies or books it saddens me. For some reason I always imagine it being one of my nephews or nieces and its as if I`m living that nightmare.
~Questions I have-
Is Amy in Secret Service? Because if I`m not mistaken, you said she was in your comment of what your novel was about but you haven't mentioned it in the story. You probably have mentioned it and I just never noticed, if so let me know
And I think this is just about all I can come up with. I liked it and you can expect to see me on your third chapter soon enough. *Thumbs up*.
Keep up the writing!
~Fire
Aww, thanks for the encouragement! Amy is actually in the Witness Protection Program, but technically that hasn't been fully revealed yet and is set to appear soon. I hope you keep reading!
~RagingLive
P.S.
I love your method of reviewing!
You`re welcome. Oops, that's what I meant. Witness Protection Program. Alrighty, awesome! Can`t wait to read more haha.
Thanks =).
Hello, Stori here to point out a few small errors.
It could just be me, but seems like there's a verb missing here. Maybe you could try "how big the impact was on her".
Usually people say they had a bad day at work... What does Paul do for a living, anyway?
Consider changing "see" to "picture" or "imagine" here. How could she see him if (I'm assuming) he's in a different room?
This would probably flow more smoothly as "As usual, she had the right words".
Nice metaphor.
Did I say a few errors? Sorry if my review is running long.
Unless they're characters named Bluejay and Cardinal, or you're planning to translate this piece into German, I'd lower-case 'em.
You confused the contraction for "it is" with "its, belonging to it". No big deal. Now to finish the review, I want to say that the ending has me ready for more. One more thing- that last sentence needs a period at the end.
Another great chapter, I loved the dream sequence, very chilling - especially the paint running and looking like blood.
But I'd suggest maybe leaving out her surprise that she could see again. Because usually in dreams, things that are odd just seem normal. And I'm guessing whenever she's dreaming, she can see things.
What I really like is how you keep describing her blindness without actually mentioning it, and so in the dream, it is obvious that she can see, so you don't need to tell us.
Paul seems like a bit of an arse. I hope he's harmless though. Lara seems lovely, I like your descriptions of her. She seems to always know what to do and how to calm things down. She sounds like someone Amy needs around.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
What I mainly associated this woman to is a sister. When Lara was talking I was thinking that she really acts like she's some sort of a sister to Amy. That is insanely cool. At least you are showing that Amy has some sort of support and comfort while she's going through this hell. You can also see that Lara is trying to break Amy out of being a house recluse. Taking her shopping against Paul's orders isn't exactly the best thing, but it is a step towards helping her out of this mess. It's great how you portrayed Lara. Keep it up. ^^
The main thing that really stuck me about this chapter, was her stepfather (?) Paul. What exactly is his problem? From what I'm guessing, he's either concerned about her and that emotion is just being displayed as something else, or he is just a rather big jerk. During the first part of the chapter, though, I just had this feeling that he wasn't concerned about her. Somebody who's concerned about you, wouldn't make you feel anything but warm and happy. Generally, you would feel protected. I don't think Amy was feeling at all protected and happy at the moment. Judging from his reaction, I think Paul is just sick and tired of having problems when it comes to Amy. That is what I got from that part of the story. Let me know if I got something wrong. That's one thing I do not want to do, and that is mess up on a character. xD Let me know.
Who I did really like is Lara. She doesn't fit the description of a stepmother, as most stepmothers are described as evil.
The main thing that I would like to talk about is your dialogue punctuation. I know that in cases where the dialogue tags can get a bit tricky, it's difficult to keep your tags right.
Here's an example...
Here, we have a tag that is different then said, replied, and answered, all of which are the usual standback that everybody enjoys using. Step away from those, and you have dialogue tags like crooned, whispered, groaned, and so on. These dialogue tags need to punctuated in the exact same way as the rest. If the following is describing part of the speech (meaning if it's a dialogue tag) then you have to have to have a comma instead of a period, before going into your tag. That is the proper way of doing it; the grammatical way. This article here should help you out immensely when it comes to this. I hope that article helps you out with this problem; it is a well written article that helped me out when I was trouble. ^^
YES, WELL DONE. If the character is in turmoil and is constantly being shoved away by their friends, then you have a good story going. That is the most important thing in my opinion. To always keep them in trouble and in pain; that way the reader keeps on wanting to read more and more, hoping that everything is going to get better soon. Which hopefully it will. For some reason though... I don't think those boys are really going to care that much if she's blind or not. I think they're just going to go with it. Eh?
Comma after Landers.
Alright, this I just don't understand. He seems like the type that would d*mned instead of darned. I, for one, don't like encouraging swearing in the slightest, but if something like this calls for it... then I think it's fine. Just make sure everything your character says corresponds to what kind of person they are, and what kind of personality they have.
Comma after him.
Now, I just absolutely love how you ended this chapter. At first the dream starts off all nice and pleasant, and then BOOM! horror nightmare. I had thought that something good was going to happen to her for just once... and then you surprised me with this! I'm assuming CeCe is her sister, right? I recall her being mentioned from the last chapters, and I think she is her sister. Picking her little sister to trouble her with is quite possibly one the cruelest things you could do to a person. As that's something that tears at their heart. You know what I mean? Anyway, make sure to let me know when you post the next chapter.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review! Writing mystery/suspense doesn't always make you feel very noble, with what you have to put your character through, so I'm glad you liked it!
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
Considering I'm someone who has fainted quite a few times in my life-although none of those times had to do with flashbacks-you wrote it pretty realistically with how she had trouble sitting and standing and how it was difficult for her to walk normally down the hall. I know it's pretty normal to feel weak and tired after fainting and although you didn't use those specific words, it came across pretty clearly that that's how she felt, so nice job. Now, onto some nitpicks:
I'm on team "Blue Moon" with you and I saw that you requested a review for this chapter so, alas, here I am!
This chapter is written quite well. Your sentences flow smoothly and I could picture everything pretty clearly even though she's blind which can be a challenge. (I know, I've written a story where someone was blind, too!)
I thought you handled her fainting really well. I went back and read the last paragraph from the first chapter so that I knew what happened.
How was she reading if she's blind? Did she have a Braille book?
You used the word "quickly" twice in this sentence making it sound a little repetitive. You might be able to change one of them to another word or take one out all together.
Because she was blind again, I thought she had woken up, but when she was still in the dream I was a little confused. Maybe you could add a line in there saying "the dim light faded to complete darkness", maybe when you say the screaming fades, or something like that. Just a thought!
Okay, so that's it for the nitpicks! Nice job. There were a few places that could use a comma but that's really grammar picky. I'm happy to point them out later if you would like me to, though.
I'm curious about the story and Amy. It's interesting that she can see everything in her dreams. Hopefully this review was helpful even though I haven't read the previous parts. You're a good writer and it sounds like you've come up with a cool story. The title makes it even more intriguing! Keep up the great work and keep writing!
Have a nice day,
-Lefty
Thanks for tuning me into possible problems!
Hello and Happy Review Day!
I haven't read chapter one, so this review will mostly just be on any nitpicks I find. Hopefully this will be just as helpful as any other review.
Her husband muttered to himself, stepping over Amy in a huff of dramatics, as if she was a roach to be crushed and rid of.
I'm wondering what the husband muttered to himself? Was it a swear word whispered under his breath, a word of agreement lost in a sigh? I'd like to know. If he didn't say anything, a word like 'grumbled' would be better.
When the husband came back with beans instead of ice, it took me a little while to realise that he'd done it on purpose so that he could talk to Amy. Perhaps make this a little more obvious.
The hollow screaming faded replaced by a small child's voice. "Amy?" A small plea in a tearful anguish. "Amy!"
It reads better when there is a comma between 'faded' and 'replaced'.
Those are all the nitpicks I found. You've done a good job with writing this, it was very enjoyable to read.
Thanks for the review!
You did a great job. how long have you been writing ? Your use of imagery was on point, describing every detail so that I could picture the scene. It also seems that you have developed distinct personalities for your characters as shown in your great use of dialogue. Towards the end I could actually feel the horror of the nightmare she was experiencing.
Thanks for the review!!! I haven't been writing in detail that long, just really rough drafts for a couple of years. I found out that I needed it a little more polished to publish.