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Young Writers Society



Dual Identity - Chapter 3

by RagingLive


chapter 3 – Wednesday September 2nd 7:12 A.M.

“Amy,” Lara’s hand patted her cheek. “Amy, honey it’s time to get up. School starts today.”

Amy dug herself out from under her covers, the morning’s light greeting her with the same blank black stare. She winced as her elbow knocked into the headboard. At her muffled groan, Lara breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re awake.” She said. “You hit your head flailing around like you did. I couldn’t hold you down!”

Amy started to talk, but her tongue caught sharply on her lip and she tasted blood. “I tink I cut my tung.” She mumbled over the raw feeling.

“I can get you some Tylenol if you want.” Lara offered, but Amy shook her head. Tylenol always made her drowsy and she needed to be alert today. “Have it your way, then. There’s some stuff out for oatmeal on the counter. It’s to the left of the microwave. Jasper is outside eating his breakfast.”

Lara rustled off and Amy crawled out from under her covers hurriedly making her bed. As much as she dreaded the first day of school, the last thing she wanted was to be late.

She made her way to her dresser, feeling for the chair set next to it. The night before she had set out her clothes and now she slipped them on. She had picked out a casual outfit, hoping to fit in a little better. A soft, long sleeved peasant blouse slipped over her head easily, it’s minty green softness feeling light and airy. With Lara’s help she had also chosen a pair of dark jeans and her Converse high-tops.

Lara had also made mention about her being the epitome of fashion, but that wasn’t exactly what Amy had been worried about.

Amy felt to make sure her earrings were in place and then reached for a hairband. After pulling her hair back into a ponytail she ran a finger between her bangs and her forehead fluffing them up a bit so that they wouldn’t catch on her scars.

Feeling her way through the hall, Amy padded into the kitchen. The rustling of the paper and the sharp odor of charred toast testified to Paul’s presence.

“Good morning, Paul.” Amy said. He grunted and she took that to mean hello.

She reached the counter to the right of the sink and reached up to touch the cabinets, her finger feathering over the handle as she counted two over, opening the third to pull out a bowl. Oatmeal was fairly easy to make and in less than three minutes she had a steamy bowl. Plopping it down on the table, Amy had a seat, spreading a napkin over her lap.

“What’s in the paper this morning?”

The paper rustled in the stark silence. Then Paul growled “You can read it when I’m finished.”

Amy brushed off the remark. “That’s OK,” she said. “It makes me sick to read while I eat anyway.”

“It makes me sick to hear your voice while I’m reading, so shut up.”

The oatmeal turned to sand in Amy’s mouth and she forced herself to swallow it, suddenly not very hungry. Suddenly a cold, leathery nose brushed her hand as if Jasper sensed her discomfort. Amy gave him a scratch behind his ears and fed him a sliver of apple from her breakfast.

“Don’t feed that dog from the table.” Paul barked out. Amy jumped. In her dark world, Paul’s voice always crept up sharply and unexpected like. Kind of like an alarm’s shrill command in the early morning as it jerks you from your sleep. Jasper sensed it too, for his ears laid back for a moment.

“Don’t even think for a minute that that dog can protect you if someone comes after you. He’s nothing but a half-breed mutt that -,”

Amy felt the low growl rumble from deep within Jasper’s throat as the golden retriever lowered his head and glared at Paul resenting every word he said.

“Jasper won’t need to protect me.” Amy said, her head held high. ”No one will ever come after me again.”

Paul snorted. “Contrary to popular belief you aren’t dead. Your family’s killer is going to figure that out sooner or later.”

Lara entered the room at a brisk walk, laying a hand on Amy’s shoulder. “Honey, it’s time to go. You can finish your oatmeal in the car.”

“No thanks it’s cold anyway.” Amy got up and Lara handed her the book bag.

“You shouldn’t be so wasteful.” Paul noted in a clipped tone.

“Dress.” Amy waited as Jasper sat, extending his neck forward to receive the harness. “Good boy.” She snapped the harness into place and plopped the half-full bowl of oatmeal onto the laminate flooring. “Eat.”

Jasper went to it, snorfing and snuffing it down and in barely more than a few seconds it seemed like, Amy could hear the empty bowl being pushed around on the floor. “Heel.” And then she walked away.

But then, even out in the car, Amy could still feel Paul’s disdain burning through her like a fuse on a stick of dynamite, threatening to blow at any given moment.

~

Wednesday September 2nd 7:46 A.M.

“Hey Damien! Who’d you get the bikes from? The munchkins in the Wizard of Oz?”

Blake shot daggers at his brother who was yelling at the jocks coasting up to the school on bikes that had obviously been made for people half their size. Sporting graffiti style paint and stripped of their handle bars, jimmy wondered if they weren’t something the gang had picked up from the local dump.

“Well, now.” Damien dropped his bike in the grass and approached Ben standoffishly. “The poor little Scarecrow still hasn’t been to get his brains. Whatsa matter? Too stupid to know which road to follow? Remember it’s yellow and made of bricks.”

A black SUV pulled up to the curb and idled as Ben got a wicked grin on his face. “You may be a monkey Damien, but I don’t think that even a pair of sparkly red shoes could get those 250 pounds up in the air.”

“Why you little-,” Damien’s pal Mickey stopped him and pointed at the SUV that Amy Landers had just stepped from. Everyone then turned to stare as she led a dog out after her. She paused for a moment, saying something to the person inside before closing the door. Amy then walked towards the school doors her golden retriever not more than a step ahead of her.

“She’s blind.” Blake whispered.

Apparently, though, Damien was too. “Hey Little Miss Hot Stuff.” He called, and Jimmy winced. “Who do you think you are marching your dog in there. There’s a little sign on the door that says ‘no pets’. Whatsa matter you blind or something?”

Priscilla, Mickey’s sister snickered, but it tapered off as Amy paused in her stride, the dog halting immediately. She tipped her head in Damien’s direction, yet wasn’t looking directly at him. “Actually, I am.”

The bus at the middle school across the street squealed to a stop, and a car honked its horn somewhere downtown, as the teenagers at the high school were silent. Amy turned, her head held high, and walked bravely into the school.

Jimmy had never seen Damien at such a loss for words. ~

Wednesday September 2nd 7:52 A.M.

The Shadow lowered his binoculars as she entered the school. Amelia Landers was trying to close the book on him. Trying to pretend he wasn’t there anymore. Trying to forget what he meant to her and how she belonged to him.

He could see it in those eyes. Those vacant but tell-all eyes. She was putting up a wall. One that if he let be completed, he wouldn’t ever be able to destroy.

And that kind of behavior was definitely not acceptable from one of his girls.

She needed to be taught a lesson. After all, she was on borrowed time. And he could tip the hourglass anytime he wished.


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Sat Feb 21, 2015 3:56 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, if this review is a little unclear in some spots. I think I'm a little rusty when it comes to reviewing. ^^ t's been a while since I've reviewed this story, so please ignore any small mistakes that I might make when it comes to storyline, and your characters.

Firstly, I reverse every nice little thing that I've EVER said about Paul. That guy needs the biggest slap in the face, and maybe Lara do it next chance she gets. What business does he have talking to her in that fashion? Not only that, but isn't her life hard enough without him being so negative towards her? What I like most of all is how she deals with all this negativity. She deals with her stepfather being such a jerk all the time, somebody coming after her trying to kill her (something like that, right?), and people making fun of her for being blind. How she dealt with Damien in the end was absolutely beautiful. That may not be the right word--beautiful, but still... It was great how she shut him up so quickly and efficiently. Not only that, but I think she halfway won the respect of those boys watching.

The way you are hinting at how the Shadow (whatever it is) is going to find a way to break her newly found wall, is rather frightening in a way. Besides killing her, what exactly can he do? Take her family? Frighten her with images? Judging from what I remember from your last chapters, I know there is quite a lot that he can frighten and break her with. What I'm curious about, is how he's going to do it this time. What exactly is he going to do to bring her down again? Hurt her physically or mentally? Either way, I'm just dying to find out. ^^ Somehow... I'm thinking it might be a mixture of both. xD

the same blank black stare.


Blank and black look so similar that from a glance you wouldn't really tell the difference. Why not replace blank with empty?

“Oh, thank goodness you’re awake.” She said.


I know I probably talked about this earlier in another review of mine, but you aren't doing your dialogue punctuation correctly. She shouldn't be capitalized as it's going into a dialogue tag, and it isn't a proper noun. If you were saying Lara said then obviously Lara would be caps, because it is a proper noun. But seeing as she is a common noun, you would have it un-capitalized. Make sense?

Also, as it is going into a dialogue tag, you would have a comma instead of a period. If you have any questions about this, I would be happy to answer them.

“I can get you some Tylenol if you want.” Lara offered, but Amy shook her head. Tylenol always made her drowsy and she needed to be alert today. “Have it your way, then. There’s some stuff out for oatmeal on the counter. It’s to the left of the microwave. Jasper is outside eating his breakfast.”


Here, you have the thoughts and actions of two characters placed into one paragraph. Generally, that will make your readers extremely confused as they are trying to decipher as they read, which character is doing what. Instead of getting all that confusion, why not avoid that, and separate the two? Put the separate actions of the two characters into different paragraphs? That way it is easy to see who is doing what. :)

“That’s OK,” she said


In writing, it's better to just write it out like okay.

that -,”


No need for the comma to be there.

from one of his girls.


Yeah, I was totally confused from this statement. I'm going to go back and make sure that I'm not missing something, and then I'll be moving forward with this and reviewing up to where you have your chapters posted. Which I think is Chapter Five. Anyway, I'm really curious to see how this is going to turn out, and please tell me if you have any questions. ^^

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Sun Feb 15, 2015 1:55 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Omg I want to punch Paul in the face so hard. It seems like Amy can't do anything right yet he's so concerned about her safety? The dude needs a good slap.

The ending was very interesting. What does he mean by 'one of his girls'? Is he just some controlling sicko or is there some truth to it?

I think describing him as a 'shadow' doesn't quite fit. I know you're just trying to work around not exposing him, but maybe 'The figure in the shadows' or something like that would work better. Because just 'the shadow' makes him sound like something supernatural.

Another great chapter :D




RagingLive says...


Thanks for the review!! I describe him as 'The Shadow' because that's essentially how he thinks of himself as he's been stalking her like a shadow for almost 5 years now. I'll try and make that more clear as I go along!!
~RagingLive



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:48 pm
InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...



Hey again!

Back as promised. Here we go...

Then Paul growled “You can read it when I’m finished.”

There should be a comma after growled.

“No thanks it’s cold anyway.”

And a comma after thanks.

Jasper went to it, snorfing and snuffing

Should be snorting instead of snorfing... Right? Haha.

And that's all I found! Super teeny tiny things. Sorry for not reviewing chapter two! I couldn't find anything to fix for the life of me, which is really good. :)

I really like this story so far! It's really interesting and I think the pacing so far is perfect. I'm really interested to find out more about the shadow and also how the twins are going to get more involved in the story. i would say Amy, but they could be bad guys, for all I know, haha.

Anyway, can't wait for the next update!
Happy writing! Oh, and Happy Review Day! This is probably my last review, since there's like ten minutes left. :)




RagingLive says...


Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm glad you like it!



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:39 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello, Raging! Adrian here for a review! I haven't read the previous chapters. So I apologize if I don't make sense on some things.

I must say, this is an interesting story. The main character is blind, and is in a Witness Protection Program. So there's a lot to her right there. However, I want to see more of her character as a whole. How does she act, what gets her mad? It's obvious that she doesn't like Paul, he makes these rude remarks about her dog, and about her family's killer. Though, it doesn't seem to be in her nature to yell, or get very mad.

She is blind, correct? How would she know the colour of her blouse? Did Lara tell her? I'm not sure about this, but wouldn't the house be foreign to her? Wouldn't there be some mishaps? Like stumbling a bit? Also, wouldn't Amy have a walking stick? She would definitely sometimes need her hands so she wouldn't run into things, just to like feel around. Her senses would be heightened. Such as hearing and smell, so a bit more description with that? Everything has a certain feel to it, and I can't feel much in this story.

I'm not sure, but the last POV might be her family's killer, right? He does seem like someone who wishes Amy malintent. So it would be best to watch out for him. There is the whole creepy affect going on around him. The Shadow does not seem like a guy you would want to cross. Especially with the, "She needed to be taught a lesson." Like, woah dude, slow down. Since we are seeing from his perspective this once, I assume the reader is going to be seeing from him a lot more. Which is terrifying. Though, we might know of the horrible situations a little before Amy does, which will be worse for us in a way.

The students seem like the typical school yard bullies. Though, since they are mentioned, I wonder if more will be added about them later. If they will soon be Amelia's friend, or something like that. Or, they might even bully her because of her vision impairment.

I have nothing much to say! I wish you a happy review day, and I hope that you will keep on writing!

~Adri




RagingLive says...


Thanks, and yes The Shadow appears in almost every chapter I have written so far. Also thanks for the your viewpoint on her blindness!!



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:27 am
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello! Magenta here for a quick review!

I love the title that you have! It's really interesting and mysterious and makes me want to ask if you would help me create titles like that. Seriously! ;) I have only a few things that I want to point out, but they aren't much and their mostly nit-picks.

To start...
Amy dug herself out from under her covers, the morning’s light greeting her with the same blank black stare. She winced as her elbow knocked into the headboard. At her muffled groan, Lara breathed a sigh of relief.

You started out by saying that she is being greeted by the morning light, making me thing bright, but then you said blank black stare, which made me think dark. I'll admit, I was a bit unsure of what you meant to say here. Although, I suppose that I see what you mean with her not being able to see.

The only thing that I would add, would be to put doe commas in to your sentence, where any pauses need to be, or when addressing people or for parenthetical phrases. Other than that, great job and keep up the good writing. Happy Review Day. Hope that I helped a bit.

- Magenta




RagingLive says...


Thanks for the review! And I love your avvie!



Magenta says...


Thanks! No problem with the review! :)




a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn