Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Sorry, if this review is a little unclear in some spots. I think I'm a little rusty when it comes to reviewing. ^^ t's been a while since I've reviewed this story, so please ignore any small mistakes that I might make when it comes to storyline, and your characters.
Firstly, I reverse every nice little thing that I've EVER said about Paul. That guy needs the biggest slap in the face, and maybe Lara do it next chance she gets. What business does he have talking to her in that fashion? Not only that, but isn't her life hard enough without him being so negative towards her? What I like most of all is how she deals with all this negativity. She deals with her stepfather being such a jerk all the time, somebody coming after her trying to kill her (something like that, right?), and people making fun of her for being blind. How she dealt with Damien in the end was absolutely beautiful. That may not be the right word--beautiful, but still... It was great how she shut him up so quickly and efficiently. Not only that, but I think she halfway won the respect of those boys watching.
The way you are hinting at how the Shadow (whatever it is) is going to find a way to break her newly found wall, is rather frightening in a way. Besides killing her, what exactly can he do? Take her family? Frighten her with images? Judging from what I remember from your last chapters, I know there is quite a lot that he can frighten and break her with. What I'm curious about, is how he's going to do it this time. What exactly is he going to do to bring her down again? Hurt her physically or mentally? Either way, I'm just dying to find out. ^^ Somehow... I'm thinking it might be a mixture of both. xD
the same blank black stare.
Blank and black look so similar that from a glance you wouldn't really tell the difference. Why not replace blank with empty?
“Oh, thank goodness you’re awake.” She said.
I know I probably talked about this earlier in another review of mine, but you aren't doing your dialogue punctuation correctly. She shouldn't be capitalized as it's going into a dialogue tag, and it isn't a proper noun. If you were saying Lara said then obviously Lara would be caps, because it is a proper noun. But seeing as she is a common noun, you would have it un-capitalized. Make sense?
Also, as it is going into a dialogue tag, you would have a comma instead of a period. If you have any questions about this, I would be happy to answer them.
“I can get you some Tylenol if you want.” Lara offered, but Amy shook her head. Tylenol always made her drowsy and she needed to be alert today. “Have it your way, then. There’s some stuff out for oatmeal on the counter. It’s to the left of the microwave. Jasper is outside eating his breakfast.”
Here, you have the thoughts and actions of two characters placed into one paragraph. Generally, that will make your readers extremely confused as they are trying to decipher as they read, which character is doing what. Instead of getting all that confusion, why not avoid that, and separate the two? Put the separate actions of the two characters into different paragraphs? That way it is easy to see who is doing what.
“That’s OK,” she said
In writing, it's better to just write it out like okay.
that -,”
No need for the comma to be there.
from one of his girls.
Yeah, I was totally confused from this statement. I'm going to go back and make sure that I'm not missing something, and then I'll be moving forward with this and reviewing up to where you have your chapters posted. Which I think is Chapter Five. Anyway, I'm really curious to see how this is going to turn out, and please tell me if you have any questions. ^^
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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