Loss of a Snide Conscience

Hi Rage, June here,


I like this poem a lot because I can relate. I don't like the constant referral to of the dictator as an "it" because it's awfully ambiguous and it makes me want to find more about what and who it is. I'm also not sure if every line in this poem should come to a full stop on the end, because I think the flow of it could be improved if some of the lines tied into one another instead. Your rhyme scheme came about nicely, I think, but the more I read it, the more I want to argue that it feels a little forced.

Keep writing,

June

Hey Rage!

The title itself already got me into reading this with some strange half-aggressive tone. I like the structure and rhyme, of course there are some lines I find just like you needed something to fill the "emptiness" in your poem.

"I steal? I steal, and I love how I feel."

I'd rather read it like:

"I always steal and I love how I feel."

But it's not my poem, so I'm not here to change anything. Anyway the original sounds quite hysteric or it's display of panic.

"I kiss no one and do not get high."

I can't really find the link between those two actions, but it's pretty catchy line. Anyway, the ending is more like concetto, it kinda cut off every passion your character had in the poem. It sounded more like a disappointment, made him ask himself if he's responsible for his previous actions... I don't know, this is how I felt it at first reading. That's a great poem Rage, I'd like to read more from you, keep writing stuff like this and never give up

~Bard

Hi, I am here to review this interesting piece.

What I liked:

1. Continuity. I like how you chose a simplistic rhyme scheme that is easy to follow, and that you stuck to it, for the most part, but I will get to that later.

2. The simplicity. I like how simplistic and easy to follow this poem is. You clearly define that you are being controlled, and that you won't allow that anymore. You were able to get your message across in a clear and concise manner. Good job.

What I didn't like:

1. That earlier comment of most of the time, this is when I address it. You start your poem with a rhyme scheme of every other line. "Dictator, wrong, for, long" but then you switch it to couplets, but you don't end it the way you started with a every other line thing. It isn't really the continuity that came with the rest of the poem.

2. Imagery. Or shall I say the lack of. You don't really set an image in my mind of what it looks, or feels like to be chained down, you just say you are. Work on showing the reader rather than telling.

3. This is strictly my opinion on the matter so take it as you will. This poem is choppy. You don't have a nice languid flow that poetry tends to have. Your rhymes seem a tad forced on some and you switch from one line flowing into the next to a new idea like that. It doesn't work very well.

Overall:
It is a great first piece. It may need some work, but you have something to be very proud of.

This seems like a contradiction in a sense . You have described how you don't do things your not suppose to do , then , you go on to describe yourself as free, and then you go on to say that you get drunk and steal, which are the complete opposite of being innocent .

You then conclude by questioning why there is blood on your hands ?. I'm just confused by this piece . I did , however , think the line " I will chain it to my minds floor" creative . I feel if you make your message clear to the reader, it may be more effective . I don't want to criticize your work . This is just how I would have changed it .

Very creative writing