The night everything went to hell.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Every time I close my eyes/*, I hear her screams*/ I her scream echo in my head. The vision of /*I sleep every night only for*/ her panic stricken face /*and guilt-laced eyes to haunt my dreams*/ etched with worry and her eyes laced with guilt, haunts my dreams. I was only a naive sixteen year old girl, living what I thought to be a wonderful life. Little did I know that my own stupidity would wreak havoc on my peace of mind.

It was a Saturday night and school term had just finished. I was ready to welcome the summer holidays with open arms, (change the comma to a period) We had been planning this particular night from the beginning of the scholastic year. 'The Summer Bash' was practically the highlight of every teenager's life. I was overjoyed and my body was buzzing with excitement when we arrived at the beach. The party had already started and it was easy for me to mingle with others. I could see the lights glow on my skin and the sound coming form the huge speakers was like an energy store, boosting my self esteem and making me feel free and uninhabited. Thar /*That*/ was when I met him. John was very kind and easy going, the type my mother would call a charmer. He made me feel special, especially when he invited me to join him and his friends at as /*a*/ separate party that was being held at a nearby cabin.

When we arrived at the cabin, I realized I had been fooled. There was no party going on and the so called cabin was an abandoned little shed. I was enraged when John said that he had lied because he knew I wouldn't have trusted him. I lashed out at him and called him every vile name I could thing /*think*/ of. That was when he stuck /*struck*/ me. The glass bottle shattered when it came in contact with my skull /*Light stole my vision when the glass bottle came down on my skull*/ (I think you're watching way too many damn movies. In mine experience, most glass bottles need to collide with a very hard surface at a high velocity to break. The reason bottles break on peoples' heads in movies is because they're made of sugar-glass, which breaks VERY easily without causing harm to the actor. That said, in real life, when a person is whacked with a wine bottle, it is the person that breaks, not the bottle). Pain replaced anger, embarrassment and fear clouded my thoughts. After the shock, (In real life violence, there is no time to think; there is only instinct. It all happens fast, and depending on your moxie, you either act or freeze up. That is the true meaning of "Fight or Flight". The emotions usually don't settle in until about a day later--after the adrenaline rush has subsided.)

/*When I came to, I was alone in the shed. My head pulsated with an excruciating pain. I pushed myself to my feet and glanced around. The first thing I noticed was that the door was ajar. Wasting no time, I sneaked out of the shed, body trembling.*/ I ran as far away as I could and used my cell phone to call my mother to come and pick me up.

The moment she saw me. (change the period to a comma) she decided to take me to the hospital. I cried like a child /*baby*/ as I told her what had happened. I could hear her soothing words, 'It's going to be alright, the worst is over'. (if it's dialogue, the ending quotation must be AFTER the period/comma) If she only knew how wrong she was.(space)She tried calming me down while she kept driving, it was well past midnight. (redundant. We already have her "soothing words", and we already know it's nighttime) The roads where dark and eerily silent. It happened all so suddenly.(space)She didn't see the tuck /*truck*/ losing control and swerving into the lane of the oncoming traffic. By the time time she noticed it was too late. The last thing I remember was the lights from the oncoming truck illuminating her face, sealing her fate.

Guilt is my constant companion. If only I had been smarter and had listening to all the times parents and teachers /*listened to my parents and teachers when they*/ had told me not to trust strangers, then all this would have been avoided (redundant). My mother would still be alive. That night will /*would*/ haunt me forever and I know that from that moment on, my life would never be the same.

I really enjoyed this story! It was extremely well-written, and very interesting throughout.

I really only have 2 small critiques. Firstly; I think the pacing around where John took your character to the cabin was a tad too fast. Maybe, if you slowed it down a bit and really emphasized on the creepiness of the shack and John after he showed his true colors.

My second critique ties in with my first one. You could add in a little imagery regarding your characters surrounding. Really detail the sand beneath her feet or the wariness she had when entering the shack.

Overall though, it was an excellent story! Especially considering you only had 45 minutes!

I think this piece has a lot of potential, but would need some reviewing and polishing. From what I read down below, you only had a small amount of time to work on this piece. Aside from a few typos and some (appeared) rushing in this piece, I think you could expand on this if you wanted to and take it much, much farther. If you decide to add on to this, I'd suggest throwing in some more details, such as the names flung at John. Maybe try to make it more realistic with some dialogue and imagery. Really great job though! I really liked this piece

The only real thing that I can critique on is maybe 3 spelling/punctuation mistakes which is great. I am completely in love with this and throughout the whole thing it had my complete attention. You used great detail when describing the boy and how the main character felt when she was lied to. Great job on this piece!

This is good, but really sad.

I really like how you describe the guy as very nice, but in reality, he just wants to bring harm onto her. She's lucky to have gotten away. I do like how you're actually realistic about this. In the movies, she would have barely gotten away, nobody would be there, she'd have no phone, and she's pretty much dead. But the realism on how every teenager has a cell phone with them and she actually flees and finds her mother, that's awesome.

When the mother dies, it's so quick and simple - that's why I love it! Sometimes quick, it happens, done, works great! You pulled it off well, and not a lot of people can do that!

But what I really like is how you put it all together at the end. Her mother wouldn't have died if she hadn't talked to that boy. I think like that all the time, and thats why is grabbed me!

Great job!