Contemplating Suicide

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

For years I had suppressed the hurt, the anger and the sadness that haunted my mind and darkened my soul. I held my back straight and smiled for my families sake (if he/she has two or more families, an apostrophe should be after the "s". If you're referring to a single family, then it should be changed to "family's"). I ignored my troubles, ignored the fact that I cried every time I looked in the mirror. I omitted the memories of all the time/*s*/ I had panic attacks in the bathroom.

Today it seemed like my mind and body couldn't continue to /*could no longer*/ hold it in. So I wept and sobbed, pulled on my hair and clawed at my own skin like a madwoman - all this happening in the privacy of my room. I wouldn't let my family see me this way, I was embarrassed and ashamed by the fact I couldn't handle the pressure.

Then out of the blue it seemed like a very close friend of mine plunged a knife through my heart. He said that he loved me and after a few minutes reveled a secret that sent my senses into flames. He is bisexual. It doesn't make a difference to me but after a year of close friendship and happy relationship I expected that he would be as open with me as I was with him and to top it off he broke up with me.

Never in my life did I feel so alone. Drained from all thoughts and numb from all emotion/*,*/ I went to bed but on my way I saw a bottle of pills. At that moment they looked so tempting, my hand itched to go over the point of no return but luckily I turned my head and kept moving.

This is one hell of a powerful writing.

It is not an easy job to show the horror of what a suicidal person might going through. You did it just fine, you kept your writing short focused an real. What elevated your writing from many other was the reality of it. I touched the surface of what that person was going to without ever having a similar experience in my life. And it is a commendable achievement, making me feel what i have never felt in life.

Although what i giggled at was the reason behind all this and the way you put it looked a bit comical. "He is bisexual."

Okay, sorry i guess the reason just adds to the reality of it all. And the fact that the story has some elements of real life experiences help it a lot and is somewhat apparent from the start.

I think DeepCrystal and TheShauzer hit the nail on the head, and this seems to be more of a personal piece I'll keep this review brief, but this is a very powerful piece of writing. You captured the sorrowful emotion that goes through a person in duress absolutely perfectly, and as brief as this is, you're able to relate a reader in a metaphoric that is more emotionally strong than what can be expected without duration. The only thing I think you can do better is expand the third paragraph; branch it out more emotionally through vivid imagery instead of just telling us what happened. Otherwise, I'm glad you realized suicide is not an option and hope you share more writing in the future

Hey RadiantShadow,
I have one thing to say - **** happens. I say that in the most sympathizing way possible. Depression is the biggest shadow hanging over us. It confuses, it hurts, it tears and pulls and it consumes us from the inside out. I really feel for you (the parts that were true).

I think that to make this have even more of an impact - you have the whole truth element down, it's very relatable - you need to add more imagery. Suicide pieces don't generally have to be very honest - unless that's the intention of course - to make an impact. You've gotta go all out if you're going to talk about such a sensitive topic; you talked about the emotional. Now go into the physical - you said you were scratching your body, so talk about the blood, the marks left. You need to give us the images that make this piece powerful. If I'm being insensitive in any way I am truly sorry, I'm purely trying to help you give your short piece the strength of a longer one. Talk about sadness, talk about fury - the fury of not knowing why anything is happening for instance, the fury one has for being confused. Make it intimate. Make it hurt us, badly. Cause that's where the real impact lies - you have to go to the extreme when you are writing; if you want to be funny, you have to be hilarious. If you want to be sad be ultimately depressing. If you want to be angry then rip our heads off through the ink. Don't rush it; go back over and decorate it. Poetry isn't the only piece of writing with a certain flow - the sentences have to roll into one another smoothly and with passion. The latter you have, but I'd recommend going back over it again just to fill in the empty spaces. Then it could really be something.

On another note - thank you for ruling out suicide as an option. It really is none of my business to comment, but it is a terrible path to take. There is always a light somewhere, you just have to look around for it. Every night-time ends with a sun-rise. People tend to forget hope when they get lost in depression, and you really highlighted that with your honesty - thanks for the opportunity to read this.

Hoping I could help,
Yours in ink,
TS.

Very powerful and emotionally gut-wrenching. The song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (or Johnny Cash) kept ringing in my ears. You're right, suicide is not an option. It is an easy way out for those too weak to stand up to and slap their troubles in the face. But that doesn't make it any easier, does it? Not only was this decently put together, but it actually FELT realistic. Being cut off from the ones you love, the feel of rejection, loneliness, denial, and the temptation to make the worst decisions.

I like how you used imagery in this, but I do feel that it was only scratching the surface. You used some colorful word choice, but I would like to see more of how this affects you. Try being more poetic about it. Not necessarily in the form of rhyme, but in the form of painting us a picture that we (the readers) can't help but empathize with your situation.

While I felt that this ended on a good note, I think it was a little rushed. You told us that the pills looked tempting, but it was difficult to really tell how the temptation was affecting you. Did it hurt? Did you feel like putting as much distance between you and the pills would be ineffective, or make it worse even?

All just things to think about, but this was a good story. That's why I feel like it can be made better. More alive.

Great job.

I hope to read more.