O nymph, he called you fair,
As he cried out in his pain.
He begged you for your prayer,
But you would never deign.
"To be or not to be,"
But you ignored his cries.
Now you send up a plea,
Away your spirit flies.
The prince you held so dear-
Your father, who he killed-
None will help you here,
None are enough skilled.
You belong here, with me, now.
You've sinned, and it's time to pay.
Take your final bow,
Your time is done in this play.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hint on the POV: not actually a character, you'll have to do some research into the time period.
It's a very good poem.
.
I have only one suggestion to make.
"Your time is done in this play."
I would maybe say, " Your time is done." or "Your time in this play is done."
Just switch the words around some.
"O nymph, he called you fair,
As he cried out in his pain.
He begged you for your prayer,
But you would never deign."
This is one and:
"You belong here, with me, now.
You've sinned, and it's time to pay.
Take your final bow,
Your time is done in this play."
And that line are my favorites.
So, aside from maybe that last line, which is a little awkward, it's a great poem!
Hello.
Hmm. I want to guess Laertes, Horatio, or even the Ghost for the PoV? It's been ages since I read Hamlet. It could even be Claudius.
I'm not sure if this is my accent coming into play, but for me "fair" and "prayer" aren't exact rhymes. They're internal rhymes, but they're not the end rhymes that is every other rhyme in this poem. That being said, it could very well be my accent. I say "fair" to rhyme with "air", and I say "prayer" with an "er" sound at the end.
I think you could use some format tweaks, where you put a </br> at the end of line and in the space between stanzas in the html. It'll make the poem read a little easier. Right now there's some sense of stanzas from the rhyme, but the visual reinforcing would be nice.
As for the content, I'm part really loving the exploring of Ophelia from this PoV and part really not liking how many puzzle pieces are just out of reach. Part of it is I'm not your exact audience, because you have written this specifically for Hamlet fans. At the same time, I tend to prefer when poetry is enjoyable without getting an inside reference.
This is certainly pretty and relatively ominous. But it also feels forgettable because there really isn't all that much new brought to the table except in the "You belong here, with me, now./You've sinned, and it's time to pay." Those two lines are the only ones with sticking power for me, and the rest of the poem is on the bland side in comparison.
If you focused more on the concept you introduce in those two lines, you'd really bring something new to the table and present a finished idea. As it is, they're hidden away and almost swept under the rug. I'd love to see them showcased.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
The way I pronounce "prayer" this does rhyme. I kind of say it all in one syllable. Also, the two lines you want me to expand on are the lines that give away the narrator's identity, just fyi. Thank you for your feedback! I will see what I can do about expanding on those lines.