Close the door, click!
Take a breath.
Lay on bed, creak!
Take a breath.
Close my eyes and see,
The girl I was meant to be.
A girl with a mother,
And a dog all her own.
A girl who is safe,
And who keeps her heart warm.
A girl with some friends,
And no nightmares to tell.
A girl who is happy,
And who keeps her bright smile.
A car door, slam!
Take a breath.
Angry voices, shout!
Take a breath.
My home is in my head,
I live out here, instead.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
This is beautiful. I love the way you maintained a rhythm without rhyme or any particular pattern. Every poem has a way of flowing, and yours is particularly interesting. I love how simple it is, how concise. You proved with this that you do not need a lot of words for a poem to be powerful.
I don't know whether this was intentional or not, but you end many phrases using onomatopoeia at the end of each line, but only in the beginning and end of the poem. I guess it could be a technique to represent the start and finish of the poem, but it's too short to be a circular-type poem. Other than that however, it is truly a gift. Thank you for writing this!
Write on!
~Lucy
Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.
From reading this, it gives off a sense of psychological thriller.
"A car door, slam!
Take a breath.
Angry voices, shout!
Take a breath.
My home is in my head,
I live out here, instead."
the narrator is scared and retreats to the only sanctuary she knows--her head. she is either in an abusive relationship or has an abusive parent. either way, it just shows the freudian defense-mechanism of escapism where people who don't want to deal with the horrors, or the mundaneness, of reality escape to their own fantasy world.
the emotional tone of fear and anger was pretty well-written and ingenious. being a song, it reminded me of a Papa Roach or Avenge Sevenfold.
Anyways, this is pretty good. i hope you write more.
A NOTE: Published on my phone, so it's not spaced like I want it to be.