On a laden summer's eve,
are tender buds, youthful, naive,
yawning to the end of a glorious day,
with milky daffodils in an ornate lei,
in the silence of twilit thorns,
as pale pink flowers sigh, forlorn,
under branches etched in evening sky,
and candy tulips bob in movements spry,
among blots of vibrant violet plumes,
beside magenta rhododendrons rosnaline,
amidst a sea of melting green,
garnished with latticed fence for a garden mien,
all floating in a placid dream.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there, Quinine! I like your name. Incidentally, are you from a malaria area?
So, to the review! This poem is sweet and beautiful. What a scene! I can actually smell all the flowers you are describing.
I just want to make a note on your structure in terms of punctuation that might be beneficial for this poem. You made the whole poem one sentence which is nice for the flow you're getting, but it also causes issues in terms of where the sentence is taking you. I suggest you split the poem into sentences because right now, if you break it down, your long sentence drags a bit. Like this:
On a day in summer, there are flower buds, with daffodils, in silence, as flowers sigh, under branches, and tulips bob among violets beside rhododendrons, amidst leaves garnished with a fence, all floating. It's a bit of a long concept and the linking bridges you built (with, as, and) become a bit cumbersome. It makes expressing yourself slightly twisty in terms of grammar. Here's an alternative with just punctuation and a few links changed. This is honestly a fairly bad example but it's just to show how you can use punctuation to ease your sentence structure.
Next up I want you to think of your adjectives. Cut them all out. You may keep... hmmm, maybe three if you're really attached to them. For example, a lei automatically becomes ornate because of the tone and topic of your poem. Scrap ornate. I know you want to keep rhythm but filler words is not the way to do it. Fix that rhythm hole in other ways. Bobbing is a spry movement, so cut spry. A sea of green already feels like it's melted, so no need for melting. Words like "milky" can be expressed through other means, like strong verbs, metaphors and similes. Cut the adjectives unless you have a really good reason to keep them. (Colors are mostly okay though!)
Finally, remember that rhyme makes the reader pause and put extra emphasis on a word. So make sure you want that word to shine. I like what I'm seeing: meaningful words rhyme. But be careful that it doesn't twist your sentence structure in awkward ways if possible, or seem in any way forced. I'm linking to a really smooth (lesser-known) example of beautiful rhyme by Frances Cornford, though it is partly facilitated by the safety of the formal triolet structure. https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/to-a-lady-seen-from-the-train/
I really loved your poem, and if you don't want to tear it apart and edit it, that's soooo fine because it's still beautiful. Keep writing!
barefoot
Thanks for your review!
I understand your meaning about the adjectives, but do not quite understand how their lack of utter necessity dilutes the poem. Also, it would take a lot of work to cut them and maintain the flow, rhythm, and rhyme. This would be more helpful if you suggested how I could do this.
The punctuation tips were helpful though, I will definitely implement those at some point
Hmmm, it is very hard for me to explain how to write without adjectives, as this is part of what makes poetry an artform... It's the kind of thing one could spend days trying to explain. The best I can do is start you off with some articles like these:
I'd love to be of help.
https://poemshape.wordpress.com/tag/on- ... in-poetry/
http://www.aywi.org/writers/2012/02/avo ... or-poetry/
https://www.writingforward.com/writing- ... id-adverbs
Adjectives and adverbs do the same to your poetry so these articles deal with the same issue. Try them and chat with me if you don't find them useful.
Ok, I'll keep that in mind
Hey, OniiChan here!
Wow, big words.
I love this poem! You used an extremely complex vocabulary (I had to look up a few), but keep in mind that not everyone knows what “rhododendrons” are.
I like the flow of the poem, and the way you wrote it. It has an aesthetic feel to it. I could easily picture the image you try to create.
Keep on writing!
Thanks!