The ground is muddled, slick with rain,
as gibblers cower, but in vain,
for every leaf is water-sodden.
water welling where you've trodden.
To robins such is paragon,
to snag a plate of worm Borguigon,
searching the sloppy ground with zeal,
craving the juicy flesh as a tasteful meal.
Sparrows find a spot rebelliously dry,
and taking cover from the sobbing sky,
and twig by twig make a nest-like form,
and rest at last, secure and warm.
Overlooking is a dove of gray,
damp feathers ruffled, disarrayed,
caring not of the clouds' tearful cry,
watching with a single blackberry eye.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Please feel free to ignore any suggestion not found to be useful.
This is a very beautiful poem that drew me in via vivid visual imagery of a muddy, wet road, leaves that cup puddles of water when trodden, with birds hovering around seeking food and observing an opportunity to move in.
Please note that a poem started in a certain strict meter is expected to remain within that strict meter. The first stanza sets that meter as iambic quadrameter. So all the suggestions I made are based on maintaining that meter.
Maintaining iambic quadrameter
The ground is mud
[The ground is muddy....]
....in spite, to robins such is paragon,
[....to robins such is paragon,] Conserves the iambic quadrameter.
http://www.answers.com/Q/What_is_iambic_quadrameter
[and] every leaf [is] water-sodden.
damp feathers ruffled in disarray,
[damp feathers ruffled, disarrayed,....]
Overlooking is a dove so gray....
[Observing is a dove, deep gray....]
....caring not of the clouds' tearful cry,....
[....not caring of clouds' tearful cry,....]
....watching with a single blackberry eye.
[....watching with blackberry eye.] = iambic quadrameter
[If it is an eye then it is single.]
A crying sky? Why is the sky weeping? If the sky is to weep then the reader will want to know the cause. Perhaps some injustice added to the scenery. Some eagle swooping down on the robin? Then the crying would fit in nicely.
All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Your notes the iambic quadrameter was very helpful, thanks!
As for the parts about the crying sky, I feel an explanation would seem out of place.
Thanks!
Please note that I am not saying that an explanation to the crying sky should be included in the poem. That would be telling not showing. I am merely suggesting that its weeping be over something that we can see happening in the poem. As it stands there is nothing in the poem over which the sky can weep.
Ah okay, I'll keep that in mind! ^-^
I like this one.
)
8 rhyming couplets, pretty simple (how I used to write). Not blank verse but free verse ( who cares about metering anyway these days
The one thing that makes nature poems better is that they first connect you to whichever aspect of nature the poet rhapsodizes about, and then take it a step further, either simply and/or the Wordsworth way.
And that I felt was a bit missing in the second and third lines (did ya mean to write "every leaf is water-sodden"?) . I haven't heard of gibbler, and google search doesn't bring up any relevant results. So I'm left with the knowledge that a gibbler is something that is afraid of rain in some way, and possibly lives on the ground?
Is gibbler a slang term for some species of creature indigenous to your region?
What I'm trying to say is if it were something like a sparrow, ( which everyone would instantly recognize and connect to) you would go ahead and describe how they make a nest even in such conditions.
(I found sobbing sky (both for the alliteration and the personification) a nice phrase, and also because it pairs well with "clouds' tearful cry".)
Also, *Bourguignon.
"nest like form" was one place where I felt that the ending was written just to make it rhyme. ( Just "nest" would suffice.)
The ending is beautiful. Absolutely nothing wrong (though it's tough to call poetry good or bad anyway.)
Do you read poetry too?
Hope to see more writing from you!
There's a long story behind the term 'gibbler' which I might explain later.
Yes, it was only so it would rhyme, since the rest of poem also rhymed.
I sometimes read poetry, but not as much as I would like.
Thanks!
I read your other poem too. Great stuff. Refreshing to see someone writing about nature in the midst of love or heartbreak or depression related poetry.
Would really like to know what gibbler means though. Perhaps we'll get anothee poem on gibblers too xD
That's a good idea actually XD