smothered in a padded winter coat,
the needles
were kisses,
the prickly branches
an embrace,
as
I
climbed
up
the great squatting pine.
--
I looked out,
out onto
the twilit snow.
I saw
the houses
as the birds saw them,
the snow
laid out before me,
all
complimented
by
the
pine-studded stubs
of branches
that
da ng led
from the underside
of the
pine branches.
--
within me peace
b l o o m e d
silently-
a
w
e
s
t
r
u
c
k
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hi there Quinine! Katja here to review your poem. Please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make, should you deem them to be unhelpful. That being said, let's get to the review!
Your poem's strong point is definitely the use of imagery through your wording. I really liked the comparison of the pine needles and prickly branches to kisses and embraces, because it really shows me that the narrator doesn't mind the discomfort that must of us would view that as, and rather embraces it as apart of the beauty of the Pine Tree.
I also really loved the format of the poem, nontraditional and really emphasizes the narrator's carefree nature and makes it light-hearted enough to enjoy without taking the poem too seriously.
My favorite part was when you spelled out awestruck vertically. Very fun way to end the poem!
My only suggestion is that more details could have benefited the readers comprehension of why the narrator admires the pine tree so much/why they are awestruck by it.
Other than that, your poem is wonderful and I enjoyed reading it for sure! i look forward to reading more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
What is meant to be conveyed is that the winter coat protects from the needles when climbing a pine tree
(This I know from experience.)
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
I like the poem's imagery of pine needles, winter coat, and prickly branches. I like the imagery of a climb, a winter coat, pine needles, kisses and embrace. Makes the experience seem like a pleasant one and connotes that the speaker is a lover of nature or the outdoors.
Why he or she is climbing seems to be to get a look at the surroundings. The speaker says that he was awestruck and the poem ends.
Of course if that is the case then whatever the speaker saw was impressive enough to cause that reaction. But please note that as a reader I can only imagine what was seen. I know that it is twilight time, the time called dusk. So I have enough data to imagine that the scene visible from the tree is one of snow in twilight. But beyond that I see nothing.
Suggestion
Telling us what made the reader awestruck would improve the poem.
Here is an example of something similar.
Suppose I describe my climb up the side of a mountain. Then when I reach the top I say "Awestruck."
Or if I describe my waiting for an actress to appear on the stage and when she does I finish the poem by saying:"Awstruck!"
See the point?
In any case, the poem has great potential with that great introduction. Just add a description of what made the speaker react that way with the same impressive descriptive skill that you employed at the start.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Ah okay, thanks for the advice
In my mind, it seemed clear to me that the phrase "awe struck" was earned by the view from the nesting point of the tree.
However, it is a good point that to a reader without knowledge of this the end would seem a bit abrupt. I will fix this.
It is abundantly clear that the view is from atop the tree. I gave absolutely no indication that I misunderstood it as being from somewhere else. Neither did I challenge the idea that the awestruck impression was earned. Obviously you were awestruck and I have absolutely no basis to challenge that impression. Neither is abruptness the issue. The issue is that telling and not showing isn't recommended. You clearly show us the climb. But we don't see what you saw.
Yes, that is what I said
Hello this is Spartan here for a short review of your poem.
This poem is honestly one of most confusing poems to me as it has no "flow" to it, at least to me. The other thing that I have a problem is you spelled twilight wrong. Besides the one misspelled word there is nothing wrong with it, the flow is just a personal thing.
So with everything said it's still a good poem.
Hope you enjoyed the short review and have a good time.
Twilight is not spelled wrong-twilit is actually a word. It means lit by the light of twilight.
Oh now that makes sense and my mistake on the word but still confusing to me as a work