Hidden in a glade encircled by enchanted trees,
somewhere in their shade lies of palace of gilded bees.
Out of hands and eyes of bees the hive arose,
In that place of trees they formed it in a sweet repose.
The aurelian hive had hands of the softest wax,
all layered in lands of creamy-colored stacks,
composed from cells of golden hexangular cadre,
bound together with sticky honey hanging slackly.
It was dotted with sweet sugar-crusted eyes,
glistening and sweet like a desert-adusted sky,
Watching the bees with glossy amber pupils,
Disbursing the trees with their ever-silent scruples.
Joy flows in the vibrant arteries of such aureate hue,
to in the sweetest honeys the hollow cells imbue,
to slake the thirst of the bees residing there-
in the magnificent hive, so mellifluous and quare.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said
Thanks for sharing this very descriptive poem about bees. The imagery is certainly vibrant and makes the poem very poetical. I love that first introductory couplet because it rhymes both in the middle and in then ending via glad/shade and bees/trees. I also like the meter that it sets up and the vibrant imagery conveyed. Reminded me of a glade that I once came across in Woodland Valley Catskill mountains while camping. It seemed like a scene from some wonderland so I can understand the meaning of enchanted in the senses of delightful to the senses. Unfortunately my encounter with a hive involved in me getting stung. But that’s because I stupidly started throwing rocks at it.
Suggestion
Less use of the word bees, eyes and trees would be nice.
bees = 4 times
eyes =2
trees = 2
Bees and trees occur two times each in the first four lines.
Suggestions
Word Choices
Word Cadre
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/cadre Its original French meaning was a square framework. But its English meaning is different.
The word quare.
This is an Irish expression that most English speakers would be baffled by.
Too close to queer and square. IMHO.
Questions that came up as I read:
How do bees disburse trees via silent scruples?
Adjectives
Honey needs no adjective to remind that it is sticky.
All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
Thanks for pointing out these things ^-^ I figured, since I was not as familiar with these words as I am with others.
Hey there Quinine! It's me again. I can see that this piece has a lot in common with Twilight. There is a distinct style here, something I appreciate.
I enjoyed the story-like quality to the start of the poem, but I felt that it didn't carry through to the end. The final statement felt ever so slightly out of line with the rest of the piece, suddenly becoming deeper. The poem seemed to be all about the hive and how it was built and the majesty of it, and then the final line dove into the meaning bees have for humans. I felt a little jarred by the change in intention. So I think it's important to decide what the intention of your poem is, or you will end up jumping around like this.
Again, I have the same advice as before. Watch your adjectives. "golden hexangular" in particular is a bulky double-whammy of adjectives you want to avoid at all costs. Poetry finds its power not from its adjectives, but what it is able to do without them. Cut dem adjectives. Again, watch sentence structure or you will end up with a forced rhyme issue. Look at this one:
Not an easy read by any means.
I think you have something wonderful and enchanting about your poems. The gentle, flowing quality; the picturesque. You can do wonderful things with that talent. I have a challenge for you to develop your skill in that area: make something that is positively repulsive feel beautiful by verse. Take something that only you could understand as beautiful because of your unique experience. For example, having grown up surrounded by veterinarians, I remember a day when I was in high school, walking out at dawn onto a frosted field where five bloated corpses of horses were waiting for us to do autopsies. That morning was beautiful. The mounds of the dead horses, their bellies taut from the gases of decomposition. The scent of steel as we sharpened our tools. The utter silence of a morning after a storm. I would write a poem about that grotesque scene but make it beautiful by my understanding. You have your own experiences. Feel free to take up the challenge or decide not to. It's up to you!
Keep writing!
barefoot
I admit that when I was writing poems I am usually a little...aimless.
Thanks for pointing out that last line, that was very helpful
Thanks for the review!
Hey, OniiChan here!
The Bee Movie.
You did a great job on this. It has a very happy, bright feel to it. I like your flow and pattern of rhymes. You had a very vast vocabulary with this poem, and it felt very professional. I didn’t notice any grammatical mistakes, either. Great job on this!
Keep on writing,
Thanks!
What's the Bee Movie?
Good beginning, beautiful writing. Good word choice really paints a picture in the reader's mind, a very divine image. Honestly, I'm just kind of awestruck, like who knew bees were such a majestic creature. Good use of gilded and all the uncommon words in this. The use of these words really activates your imagination and really just sucks you into this world or really creates more of an experience. Very stimulating I guess.
Thanks