9:30am
It's Saturday, 1st of Feb 2017,my 17th birthday. I put finishing touches to my makeup and went downstairs to wait for my boyfriend, he promised to pick me up at 10am for a date, a birthday date
"Have fun but make sure you get home by 5 in the evening" my mother said. At forty, she looked mid-twenty.
"Of course Mom, you told me that thousands of times already, I would get home before five" I replied
" Don't mind your mother, she's missing you already". My forty five years old father chipped in.
" She has Cody to herself". I replied referring to my little brother
"Cara,don't forget to buy my toy when you are coming back". My light, tall blonde hair little brother said. Although he's only 10years, he looks 13. People says he takes after my Dad, just like I look like Mum, light beautiful, average height with a dark silky hair.
" I won't". I said, just then we heard a knock. "He's here". I wave my parent goodbye
O open the door and there he is, my Jeff. Putting on a blue jean jacket on a white jean with matching white sport shoe. My tall, dark, handsome and sturdy with a lip that would make you want to kiss nineteen year old was all smile. It made me remember why I fall in love with him. I realized he is all smile staring at me. I know why, I am putting on a Blue gown that reached just a little above my knee with a Red heel and matching Red shoe,my dark silky hair is rolled to a side with pins.
"Jeff" i call softly
"Baby, happy birthday. I can't believe my baby is seventeen, she's no longer the fifteen year old girl who's always shy". He said
" Come'on Jeff". I blush. "Let's go"
"Yea baby, let's go" He replied. Hand in hand we went to his black Honda
4pm
Jeff and I have fun, we went to a restaurant for breakfast, from there to a cinema to watch movie, then to the beach where we have fun, listen to music and dance. Oh I forgot, the beach is where I met Jeff
"Baby, we should go, Mom said I should be back by 5 in the evening" I said to Jeff
"Oh baby, I don't want this to end". Jeff said. We are lying in a tent at the beach, watching a movie from his Laptop
"Me too honey, but I gotta listen to mom, so she's gonna allow is go out again some other time" I replied
"Okay baby". He said closing his Laptop and rising. I rise up also and tuck my hand in his arm.
" I love you Cara". He said with a peck
" I love you too Jeff". I replied
"Watch our Jeff!!' I screamed. We are on the highway driving and I see a black Range Rovers in the middle of the road, Jeff nearly run into it.
" It's an accident". Jeff said parking. We get down and ran to the car which is badly smash. A woman is driving and her baby, a young boy of about 8 months is beside her in the passenger's seat.We drag the woman and her baby out.
"She hit her head against the steering and pass out". Jeff explained. Let's take them to the nearest hospital. "What about the baby?" He asked
I looked at the little happy beauty in my hands. "He's fine". I replied.
" Look for her cell phone Cara, I can't find it here" Jeff said
I searched the passenger's seat where are baby was. "Found it but its broken, its useless Jeff". I said
"Let's go". Jeff who have succeed in dragging the woman inside his car said
" Let's go" I replied and got inside the car with the baby still in my hands.
5;30pm
"You know Jeff, I think we should report this to the police". I said petting the baby who was crying. 'He's hungry, I think I have a little milk I can give him". I said to Jeff who was confuse about what's making the baby cry
"I should go to the police then, while you stay with her incase she wakes up" Jeff replied. The doctor had told us she fainted and would wake up soon.
"Okay Jeff, take care".I said to the guy who is already at the door.
After Jeff left, I turn my attention to the baby giving him the little milk I have. He drank the milk hungrily and smile at me. He's such a cute little boy.
Hmmm, I heard a soft sound about 30minutes after Jeff left, I rush to the woman. "Ma'm, are you awake?" I asked
"Yes", she managed to reply. "Oh my God!!" she screamed. "My baby, my John"
"He's here, he's fine".I assured he. 'Let me call the doctor".
The doctor came and attended to her. "So Ma'm what happened? we couldn't reach any of your family, so Jeff had gone to report to the police". I asked after the doctor assured me she's fine
"I went shopping, to get my little girl, John's elder sister school stuff. While I was coming, a bike ran into me and I tried to avoid hitting it, unknown to me, a big rock was there, I hit the rock and that was all". She explained
I studied the woman, she would be in her early thirties. She's a pretty woman. "Thank God you are safe". I said. "You should give me your address, I need to inform your family members about what happen"
"No 2,street 5,Lekki phase 1". She replied.
"Okay Ma'm, I would be back, if you need anything, just call the attention of the nurse". "Take care of little John". I said giving her the baby.
8pm
I entered the room with her husband a tall build man of about 38 and little daughter Juan who's about four years. She is sitting up in bed with a policeman, I guess he's asking her some questions.
"Cara, what's going on?" Jeff asked coming towards me.
"She regained consciousness after you left and gave me her address, this is her husband Jackson and daughter Juan". I explained
"How are you feeling Kylie?" Her husband asked using his hand to feel her body, with her little daughter resting on her chest.
"I'm fine now, they are my saviour". She replied pointing to Jeff and I
"I don't know how to thank you two, thank you guys, you too officer thank you". Her husband said
"No, thank these two".The policeman replied
"It's a pleasure sir, I guess we can go now". Jeff said turning to the policeman
"Yes you can".The policeman replied.
"Bye Ma'm, take care of little John". I said and follow Jeff out
"It's a crazy day you know".Jeff said once we are outside
"Yes it is". I replied.
"Now let's drive you home". Jeff said
10pm.
We got home to meet my family outside with two policemen.
"Cara!!!!" my mother called hugging me. "What happened? Why are you late?" She asked.
"Come'on mom, I'm fine, nothing happened, I only help an accident victim".I said and went on to narrate what happened to them.
" I'm proud of you guys". My Dad said after the narration. "Officers, my kids are safe, they only help an accident victim, thank you". He said to the policemen
I smiled, my parent had gone to report me missing at the station.
"Where's my Toy?" my ten years old asked.
"I'm sorry Cody, I forgot but I promise you, I will get it tomorrow". I replied
"Okay". He said sadly
"I think I should take my leave now". Jeff said.
Ooh my Jeff, I almost forgot he's there. "Yes you should baby, call me when you get home, I love you". I said.
"I love you too Cara, happy seventeen baby, although it's a crazy one. I love you a lot". He said with a kiss and drove off.
And he did call me, at 11pm, My jeff called me.
"Happy seventeen Cara" I said to myself and slept off
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hi Quieen, and welcome to YWS! Before I say anything else, I'd just like to say congratulations on getting one of your first works in this site. It's a pleasure to bring in one of your first reviews. Let's get started.
The reason why there are so many rules in English grammar is because we need to understand each other. Every one of our sentences are similar in the eyes of the reader with these rules. When we follow these rules, we prevent the reader from getting distracted by the inconsistencies in our text and allow the reader to focus on the ideas of our words. That said, your story is very confusing because it breaks so many rules of English grammar. The grammar in this story is just so broken that I found it difficult to read.
Don't be discouraged, though. That's why I'm here: to help you get past that mistake through this review. There are several rules of grammar that are broken here, but I'll only touch on three. Note that I'll be critiquing this based on US English standards, so be wary of that if you're using British English or any other variant of the language. There might be a good chance that these rules may still apply to the kind of English you speak, though.
The first one I want to talk about is how you use numerals to represent numerical values. For example, in the first paragraph, you used "1st" instead of "first." There are many rules and exceptions to it, but the general rule of thumb in fiction is to spell out all the numbers, whether cardinal or ordinal. "Twenty" instead of "20," "first" instead of "1st." One of the exceptions is when you're writing down decimals or a year, like 2017. I'll link a source down below if you want to look it up.
The second one is how you write down time and dates. Don't abbreviate or shorten the names of days or months ("February" instead of "Feb".) In dialogue, also spell out the time. Instead of "5 in the evening," write "five in the evening." Although you do this in some cases, you also break this rule in many other cases. Stay consistent with your writing style. Once again, I'll give a source down below if you want to study this in more detail.
The last one is punctuation errors in general. I'll divide this into two, one for errors regarding quotation marks (the "") and another for everything else in general. Let's start with the second one.
In the first paragraph, you don't put spaces after your commas ("...1st of Feb 2017,my..."). You also put too many spaces after your commas; one of them is found in the third paragraph ("Of course Mom, you..."). When using punctuation marks, like periods and commas, always leave only one space after that punctuation mark. There are exceptions to the rules, though, like slashes.
There are several cases of non-punctuation at the end of the sentence here, like in the last paragraph. Don't forget to put periods, question marks, or whatever punctuation mark to end your sentences.
Now for the errors on quotation marks. There are cases of putting spaces after opening quotation marks (the first " in a quote). Don't do put spaces after opening quote marks next time. This is one of the exceptions to putting spaces after punctuation marks.
The last one is non-enclosure of punctuation marks inside quotation marks. When you do put things like periods and commas to end a quote, always put them within the quotation marks. One of your dialogues go like this:
'Let me call the doctor".
It should be like this instead:
"Let me call the doctor."
Note how the period is inside the quote marks. This is a deep topic with many rules to it, so if you want to look it up, I'll leave a link below.
Looking back, your story has so many grammatical issues, including those with writing numbers, dates, and punctuation errors. It's very hard being a good writer, isn't it? There are just so many rules and conventions to follow, and it's frustrating. But that's part of the job as a writer. Your job as a writer is to make the reader understand what you're writing, and following these rules and conventions set up by our society helps that cause. Once you can write in flawless grammar, your reader can understand your ideas better. And once the reader understands your ideas, then you can call yourself a good writer with confidence.
Just keep on writing,
-outvaders
Sources:
-Writing Numbers in Fiction
http://theeditorsblog.net/2013/01/13/nu ... n-fiction/
-Punctuation Rules
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation_rules.asp
-Quotation Marks
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
Thank you, it helps a lot, I will take to it. I hope you review more of my work
Hello, Quieen!
), you could put in a @ in front of the person's name, and they will be notified of your comment (I think). For examples: @BlindingSun
I love the concept. I feel like, it's just so 'cute' in the beginning. I felt like it would be any ordinary romance story, but I was surprised by the car crash! Very crazy seventeenth birthday!
Okay, so I only have a few suggestions for you.
1) Pay attention to tenses. I won't point all of them out, but here is one:
'O open the door and there he is, my Jeff.'
It should be ,"I opened the door, and there he is, my Jeff." Try to replace all the -ings with -eds, or vice versa, and you will take care of most of the errors.
2) Punctuation is mostly fine, just put in commas where needed.
3) Capitalization is needed for names, and nicknames.
4) There are a few extra spaces here and there, but that's not a major problem.
Try to edit your piece, but I can always help you with finishing touches and all.
Also, if you're trying to get your previous reviewers (I saw your comments
Hope this helped,
Sincerely, SugarApple
Thank you,I'm grateful... I wanted to put @ but I thought it wasn't necessary
Hello ScytheaMeisterChan, this's my work please read and give it a review
Thank you MemoryHunnter and Asith, I wrote the story again heading to your corrections, please help me review this new one..
I used the starter's sign and I took proper care when it comes to tenses,.I also tried to avoid error.
I'm a new writer,I might not make all the necessary corrections, but its still netter than the last.
Memory Hunter,I don't understand the part where you said It should be Narrative,I tried my best to male sure its Narrative,but because it's isn't the part,I made sure the characters talk NY themselves, instead of Cara talking for them.
I hope you two would review more of my works to make me a better writer.Thank you
MjTucker,please review this.
Mage,please review this
Thank you MemoryHunnter and Asith, I wrote the story again heading to your corrections, please help me review this new one..
I used the starter's sign and I took proper care when it comes to tenses,.I also tried to avoid error.
I'm a new writer,I might not make all the necessary corrections, but its still netter than the last.
Memory Hunter,I don't understand the part where you said It should be Narrative,I tried my best to male sure its Narrative,but because it's isn't the part,I made sure the characters talk NY themselves, instead of Cara talking for them.
I hope you two would review more of my works to make me a better writer.Thank you
MjTucker,please review this.
Mage,please review this