Hey there Quieen,
MJ here to serve you a nice little critique sandwich. Please remember that all of the advice I give you are purely my opinionated suggestions, and I don't expect you to take any and certainly not all of them. It is entirely up to you how and if you edit this story. Without further ado, let's jump right into it.
First off, I did like how you described a perfect romantic evening. Although it may seem cliche to some, showing Cara and Jeff's strong relationship is very important to later events in the story. I also enjoyed the plot twist when they found the crashed car, because it gave us some more action, and, with a bit of touching up, could catch the reader off-guard and keep them in suspense while you describe it.
But there are some improvements that need to be made to this story, just like any other. First off, punctuation, punctuation, punctuation! Although it may seem like a tiny detail, and for the most part it is, your story became quite frankly painful to read as I had to suffer through the grammar, spelling, and punctuation marks. Make sure that whenever a character speaks, you surround that passage with quotation marks and add the correct punctuation (commas, periods, question marks, or exclamation marks) at the end. Also be careful of little slip-ups, like saying and instead of an, shoe instead of shoes, our instead of out, etc. There were a lot of little spelling errors like this, and just rereading it and correcting it as you do so would make a tremendous difference. There were also a lot of basic grammar mistakes I think you would catch if you looked through it again.
Secondly, your overall writing quality could be improved. Instead of just arbitrarily throwing out facts you think are important for the reader, try to organize them into sections. To show you what I mean, I have a section of your writing down below in quotes, and I'm going to offer you one way I would rewrite it.
It's Saturday,1st of Feb 2017,my 17th birthday.I put finishing touches to my makeup and went downstairs to wait for my boyfriend, he promised to pick me up at 10am for a date,a birthday date.
I'm Cara Mason,a light beautiful girl of average height with a dark silky hair
Have fun but make sure you get home by 5 in the evening;my mother said.At forty,she looked mid-twenty,people say I look like her,I guess I would look twenty at forty.
Of course Mom,you told me that thousands of times already,I would get home before five.I said
Don't mind your mother,she's missing you already.My forty five years old father chipped in.
Now here's a better way of writing that same section:
It was Saturday, February 1st. I looked at my now-seventeen-year-old self in the mirror as I finish putting on my makeup. I combed through my silky black hair for the tenth time that evening just to make sure it was perfect. I looked down at my white summer dress, a gentle but clear contrast to my pale skin. It seemed to hang off of my average frame, made for someone bigger than me, but it still looked stunning. I headed downstairs to wait for my boyfriend, Jeff, to pick me up at 10 am. Checking my watch, I noticed that it was already almost 9:55. Mom looked at me and smiled.
"Make sure you're home on time," she told me. She was beautiful herself, still escaping age's clutches and keeping her twenty-something charm although she was well in her forties.
My dad looked over and smiled. "Don't mind your mom, she's missing you already." His eyes twinkled, as they always did when he teased my mom. Unlike her, he very clearly was aging and already looked to be in his fifties, although he was only 45. "How're we going to deal with it when you move away to college? My girl's growing up so fast," he said, crossing the room to give me a kiss on the cheek.
Some more passages of description would be great. For example, when they're on the beach, set the mood by describing the beautiful sunset, or the feeling of sand on Cara's skin, or the coziness of the tent as they lay together holding hands. They don't have to be super long and they don't have to involve a lot of complicated adjectives, just four-ish sentences will be good enough to help the reader feel exactly how Cara and her boyfriend feel together.
Another way I think that would help you to feel when your writing isn't as strong as it could/should be is to just read it aloud. When you read a short story, you should feel whatever the main character(s) are feeling. More passages of description would help the reader feel comfortable, satisfied, scared, unsure, etc. Using strong verbs makes a bigger difference than you think and helps guide the reader along.
Overall, you have a good idea for a plot and characters. Grammar was the biggest turn-off to this story and should be fixed ASAP, and you can start adding more significant changes, like a rewrite with more description, later. And above all, just keep writing and putting your work out here. I'll be around to review it, and the only way you'll get better is by practice, practice, practice. Keep writing, and good luck!
Best wishes,
MJ
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