Hiya, Querencia. Can't get rid of me.
Finnley still wasn't entirely sure what to think about Sylvie, but he needed to focus right now. He was going to work, which really just meant he was going to face Mr. Vaughn.
This definitely reads like the opening of a new chapter rather than a continuation of one. I think that, because this is an LMS novel, each instalment you post tends to feel quite standalone, even though it's obviously only a segment of a larger whole. Probably an inevitable part of the process, but something to think about when it comes to redrafting.
"I took you on, not as an assistant for the antique business, but to be my apprentice in other matters. Every once in a while, the store opens in an... unexpected town, a place I did not tell it to open to. That is because there is someone there who I might train in my art- in this case, it was you."
Methinks wizard Finnley is imminent. I kinda knew this was coming because I've seen a few summaries of more recent chapters, but I'm still excited.
Henry, that young man you met the other day - he was my apprentice.
"I don't know what to say," Finnley gasped
'Gasped' is a touch overdramatic. It makes me picture him literally gasping for air like he's been running or something, which just seems...odd.
Mr. Vaughn answered, "I know of no such person, but it could show you anything you wanted."
Well that's not creepy at all.
(On a more serious note, that kinda seems like a deus ex machina. Just make sure you cap the capabilities of your magic system somewhere so that it's not just a fix-all).
But the man was muttering again, and suddenly the image turned black before disappearing completely. The room filled with silence, and nobody breathed. Mr. Vaughn looked up at Finnley and they locked eyes.
"What does that mean?" he asked in a low voice.
"It means," Mr. Vaughn returned slowly in a voice just as low, "that I'd very much like to meet your friend Monica."
Ooooooooh. That's a good end. Is she a ghost? Is she some kind of demon? Or is she just magical enough that she can cloak herself and not allow anyone to track her? I don't know. I'm looking forward to finding out.
Pretty solid chapter. I'm glad to see Mr Vaughn come back; I always like the gentle, ponderous sort of scenes we get in the antique shop. I really like the revelation that the shop was actually attracted to Finnley's magical potential. Even though I knew that Finnley was going to get into sorcery at some point, I didn't expect the shop to have actually been drawn to him.
It does seem like a convenient coincidence that so many magic-related people would end up banding together. You've got Mia and her monster-hunting family, Monica and her spookiness, and now Finnley with his magical potential. It seems a little odd that everyone should be tied to magic in some way. Then again, maybe it's more fate than coincidence.
I think you could make Finnley react a little more incredulously to Mr Vaughn offering to teach him magic. Yes, he's pretty acquainted with the concept of magic now, but it's still going to be pretty disorientating to learn that he himself could master it. He adjusts to the knowledge quite quickly.
Still, I did enjoy the chapter. I'm somewhat concerned about the originality of your magic mechanics. So far, you've not really used anything that I haven't seen in other fantasy novels - we've got crystal balls, incantations, all the usual suspects - so I do hope that you flesh out your magic system and give it its own je ne sais quoi. It'll just at a sparkle of uniqueness to the story.
Anyhow, I'm getting super tired now, so I'll draw this review to a close before I start babbling nonsense. Well, more nonsense than usual.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
Donate