Hiya, Querencia. Pan dropping in yet again.
Despite being seemingly breezy, he could tell that the weekend events weighed heavily upon her. And why shouldn't they? Her house was half destroyed by a creature that shouldn't rightly exist! Finnley could see the strain in her smile, how quickly she deflected personal questions, and he knew.
It's good that you're patching this up. It's definitely believable that Mia would act chipper to hide her feelings; she's that sort of person. When it comes to the second draft stage, you'll just need to make sure you go back over the first half of the chapter to make sure Mia's good mood comes across as more obviously false.
There was no sign of Sylvie, but then again she hadn't specified where they would meet.
When a teacher came down the hall and scowled at him for lingering after school when he clearly wasn't up to any good, Finnley decided to head to work.
The bit in red sort of makes my head spin; it makes the whole clause quite difficult to process, probably because you've stacked a 'when' on another 'when'. I think you could delete it and nothing would be lost.
"Look. Just... tell me how you found out about my past and I'll let you be, okay? It's not even about you."
"Whether you wanted it or not, I'm part of it now!" Finnley said
I don't really get his response? I mean, she didn't say anything about not wanting him to be a part of it - whatever 'it' is. I just don't really get the exchange.
"And you think I care for the tears of someone as skilled in drama as she is?" Sylvie retorted
This is maybe a tad on the flowery side - it reads a little awkwardly, considering she's supposed to be angry. I think just 'you think I care?' would work by itself. Shorter and to-the-point.
That's it for the specific comments. In general, I feel like the argument/discussion between Finnley and Sylvie is a bit on the melodramatic side, if I'm being honest. It's kind of a case of washing your dirty linen in public. I don't fully believe that Sylvie would start screaming and crying about her parents getting a divorce, not outside the school. She'd surely be more likely to tell Finnley to shove it because he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And probably call him something rude.
In short, I didn't fully believe that Sylvie would spill her sadness to Finnley that easily, considering he knows very little about the situation. I can imagine her having this kind of argument with Mia, perhaps, but not Finnley. As it stands, I think she'd be a lot more likely to box her real emotions away and just be furious with him. That's my instinct.
Nonetheless, I am glad that you're not dropping this plotline. The history between Sylvie and Mia is something that really interests me, especially given that I can completely understand why Sylvie's point of view in all this. I can understand why she would never want to forgive her. In a way, I feel like you could use some more of that. If I was in Sylvie's position and I found out Mia regretted it, I'd just think good. She should regret it. I hope she regrets it for the rest of her life, because I have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's not a healthy way to think, but that's how I can imagine her feeling. She'd have very little sympathy for Mia's guilt considering that she's the one who has to live with the consequences of her mistake.
So yeah, if you're looking to restructure this argument a bit, I'd focus more on Sylvie's anger. I don't buy that she'd soften and start crying. It would take a lot more than one short discussion with a relative stranger for her to start getting over her rage.
That's all for this review. As always:
Keep writing!
~Pan
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