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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 15.2

by Que


For the rest of the day, Finnley did his best to stick close to Mia, even breaking the no phones rule in class to make sure she knew he was there. Despite being seemingly breezy, he could tell that the weekend events weighed heavily upon her. And why shouldn't they? Her house was half destroyed by a creature that shouldn't rightly exist! Finnley could see the strain in her smile, how quickly she deflected personal questions, and he knew.

Mia was scrabbling desperately for normality, and so she played sports in gym with her usual expertise and smart comments. She raised her hand in class to discuss things that weren't entirely on topic, as she was usually inclined to do. In one class, Finnley met the teacher's gaze as Mia swiped a potted plant from the front desk and cradled it tightly on her way out the door. Neither of them said anything, but they nodded at each other in acknowledgement.

The end of the day was when she would need him most, the one time he couldn't be there for her. Finnley knew that Mia would have to walk back the way they always had, then face her charred home and slowly turn away from it to go into the strange and unfamiliar house of a neighbor. Finnley had other constraints, however. Sylvie would be waiting for him, and then Mr. Vaughn and his job.

Mia met him at his locker, and he gave her a tight hug. "I'm sorry I can't walk you... back," Finnley said, dancing around the word 'home'. "I've got to go to work, but I can call you after that. Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"I'll be fine, Finn," Mia said with a little bit of a genuine smile- there was the slightest twinkle in her eye, the barest arch of an eyebrow that hinted at her recovery. Finnley was glad of it, but he knew it would still take a bit. "I'll be in the hospital; you can visit with me, if you'd like."

"I'd love to!" Finnley blurted, almost too fast. Then that was it: Mia was walking away. He hoped that she really would be fine. She was tough, but she needed to know it was okay to let the facade slide every once in a while. Not that Finnley was good with that either.

The final bell rang, and Finnley glanced up and down the empty hallway. Rows of green-painted lockers stood at attention and classroom doors were shut tight against the emptiness. There was no sign of Sylvie, but then again she hasn't specified where they would meet. When a teacher came down the hall and scowled at him for lingering after school when he clearly wasn't up to any good, Finnley decided to head to work. It's not as if it's my fault she wasn't here, he reasoned to himself, though it wasn't entirely satisfying.

As soon as he stepped out of the main entrance, Sylvie ambushed him. "What were you doing in there? Hiding?" she accused him. She stared him down as if she was a predator of some sort- the image of a sleek panther leapt to Finnley's mind.

Finnley held his hands up in a gesture of surrender as Sylvie fell into step beside him. "I wasn't! I was waiting for you!"

"Hm," was all she said, but some of the tension went out of her shoulders. "Look. Just... tell me how you found out about my past and I'll let you be, okay? It's not even about you."

"Whether you wanted it or not, I'm part of it now!" Finnley said, surprised by his own fierceness. Sylvie looked astonished, but there was a measure of grudging respect in her eyes. Finnley realized he had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and continued on towards Mr. Vaughn's, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"It's nothing all that huge," he admitted after he had calmed down. "I work at the antique shop where you sold that glass swan. The owner told me its story, though he didn't tell me who it was. Then Mia told me of what had happened between you all those years ago. It wasn't until today that I put the two together."

"I bet she was full of it," Sylvie said bitterly, wrapping her arms around herself. "Still gloating after all these years. She tell you about the prank to end all pranks? I'm sure it was funny to you."

"On the contrary," Finnley said, making an effort to control his breathing along with his anger. He forced himself to walk a little slower and less... Aggressively. "I thought it was one of the most horrible things I'd heard of. But you know what? So did Mia. She was crying over it, Sylvie!"

"And you think I care for the years of someone as skilled in drama as she is?" Sylvie retorted, though she looked away as she said the words.

Finnley stepped in front of Sylvie, blocking her path. He needed her to listen to him. "It was an accident, Sylvie," he said. "It could've been anyone."

"But it was me. It was my brother."

"It was an accident, and she still regrets it to this day," Finnley said, struggling to explain when he had not been there himself.

"My brother broke his leg! My parents got a divorce!" Sylvie was practically screaming, her hands balled up in tight fists.

"And that wasn't anyone's fault. Mia didn't know the consequences of her actions then, but she sure knows them now. She hates herself over this Sylvie- it's tearing her apart as much as you!" Finnley fought to keep his voice level, but even as he spoke his last words the volume was riding higher and higher. Then, suddenly, Sylvie was crying.

She held herself tightly, arms wrapped around her chest. Her hair fell like a veil across her face, concealing her expression. "I don't think I could ever forgive her," she rasped, choking back a sob.

"Maybe one day, you will," Finnley said gently. He laid a hand on her shoulder, and though she flinched, she didn't push it away. "For now, do you think you could stop this war against us? You never know when it could go too far."

Sylvie nodded, just the barest of movements. "I have to go," she muttered, turning and walking quickly away. Finnley hurried on to work, but he wondered at her sudden outburst, and wondered if she didn't care for Mia deep down inside, and if one day they wouldn't be able to face each other with respect. 


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Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:00 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia. Pan dropping in yet again.

Despite being seemingly breezy, he could tell that the weekend events weighed heavily upon her. And why shouldn't they? Her house was half destroyed by a creature that shouldn't rightly exist! Finnley could see the strain in her smile, how quickly she deflected personal questions, and he knew.


It's good that you're patching this up. It's definitely believable that Mia would act chipper to hide her feelings; she's that sort of person. When it comes to the second draft stage, you'll just need to make sure you go back over the first half of the chapter to make sure Mia's good mood comes across as more obviously false.

There was no sign of Sylvie, but then again she hadn't specified where they would meet.


When a teacher came down the hall and scowled at him for lingering after school when he clearly wasn't up to any good, Finnley decided to head to work.


The bit in red sort of makes my head spin; it makes the whole clause quite difficult to process, probably because you've stacked a 'when' on another 'when'. I think you could delete it and nothing would be lost.

"Look. Just... tell me how you found out about my past and I'll let you be, okay? It's not even about you."

"Whether you wanted it or not, I'm part of it now!" Finnley said


I don't really get his response? I mean, she didn't say anything about not wanting him to be a part of it - whatever 'it' is. I just don't really get the exchange.

"And you think I care for the tears of someone as skilled in drama as she is?" Sylvie retorted


This is maybe a tad on the flowery side - it reads a little awkwardly, considering she's supposed to be angry. I think just 'you think I care?' would work by itself. Shorter and to-the-point.

That's it for the specific comments. In general, I feel like the argument/discussion between Finnley and Sylvie is a bit on the melodramatic side, if I'm being honest. It's kind of a case of washing your dirty linen in public. I don't fully believe that Sylvie would start screaming and crying about her parents getting a divorce, not outside the school. She'd surely be more likely to tell Finnley to shove it because he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And probably call him something rude.

In short, I didn't fully believe that Sylvie would spill her sadness to Finnley that easily, considering he knows very little about the situation. I can imagine her having this kind of argument with Mia, perhaps, but not Finnley. As it stands, I think she'd be a lot more likely to box her real emotions away and just be furious with him. That's my instinct.

Nonetheless, I am glad that you're not dropping this plotline. The history between Sylvie and Mia is something that really interests me, especially given that I can completely understand why Sylvie's point of view in all this. I can understand why she would never want to forgive her. In a way, I feel like you could use some more of that. If I was in Sylvie's position and I found out Mia regretted it, I'd just think good. She should regret it. I hope she regrets it for the rest of her life, because I have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's not a healthy way to think, but that's how I can imagine her feeling. She'd have very little sympathy for Mia's guilt considering that she's the one who has to live with the consequences of her mistake.

So yeah, if you're looking to restructure this argument a bit, I'd focus more on Sylvie's anger. I don't buy that she'd soften and start crying. It would take a lot more than one short discussion with a relative stranger for her to start getting over her rage.

That's all for this review. As always:

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Wed Sep 27, 2017 6:52 am
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Taslimalima says...



excellent ! I love the way you explain moments..very good and plzz keep writing ;) and wish you a shinny future..




Que says...


Haha thank you!



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Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:10 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Querencia! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



Mia said with a little bit of a genuine smile- there was the slightest twinkle in her eye, the barest arch of an eyebrow that hinted at her recovery.


Whenever you use dashes like this, there is always a space before and after it, like this:

Spoiler! :
Mia said with a little bit of a genuine smile - there was the slightest twinkle in her eye, the barest arch of an eyebrow that hinted at her recovery.


It's not as if it's my fault she wasn't here, he reasoned to himself, though it wasn't entirely satisfying.


A bit of a nitpick, but thoughts should always be italicized.

and less... Aggressively


Any time you have three periods, after the three periods any word would be lowercase. Unless it's a proper noun, obviously.

Suggestions:



I don't know what happened in the recent chapters, but I don't have any suggestions. It's pretty obvious what is going on.

Confusing things:



Nothing confusing. Nice job here.

Overall:



This was a very good chapter, since I didn't have any suggestions or confusing things to mark. There are only a few grammar issues, but that's normal. Amazing job.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Que says...


Thanks for the review! First of all, when writing on an iPad the stupid words auto-capitalize and I'm too lazy to fix- also too lazy to put in italics on YWS because I forget where I wanted to. Don't worry, it looks right in all my copies haha. Also when you use three periods, it's called an ellipsis. ;)



zaminami says...


Thanks :D XD thanks for telling me what an ellipsis was. I was wondering what it was called.



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 7:32 pm
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lorrvine says...



Love it. Only just walked in on it and I must say I am tempted to go to chapter one and get to know these people a little better.

Keep it up

:)




Que says...


You totally should. ;) Thanks!



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:38 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



*hopes Sylvie and Mia actually make up at some point in the story, even though our first glimpse of Sylvie showed us a total jerk*

I'm glad you gave us more "Mia is not fine, actually" in this chapter, although dang those first few paragraphs were very tellish. Although I loved this part.

In one class, Finnley met the teacher's gaze as Mia swiped a potted plant from the front desk and cradled it tightly on her way out the door. Neither of them said anything, but they nodded at each other in acknowledgement.


I liked seeing this reminder of how much Mia cared for her plants, and also I thought it was nice that the teacher didn't even reprimand her because they obviously know what's going on. (Well, part of what's going on.)

I enjoyed Finnley's conversation with Sylvie, but I thought she sort of overreacted at this part.

"My brother broke his leg! My parents got a divorce!" Sylvie was practically screaming, her hands balled up in tight fists.


I think it was just the "almost screaming." I understand that she's still upset at this, and obviously her parents are still divorced. But it's not like her brother was paralyzed or something. He recovered. He's fine, except for the divorce part - but frankly, if her parents divorced because her brother broke his leg but then got better, they were likely going to find some reason to get divorced eventually.

(I'd get it if he had been paralyzed or if he'd died or something, but, dude, you kid broke his leg. I realize it was because of a prank war, but kids break bones all the frickin' time. Calm down.)

Plus, she and Finn are just out on the sidewalk, basically talking for the first time, and Finn's being reasonably cool-headed, considering he knows that it hurt Mia too. So "almost screaming" just felt like a bit much, especially in so short a conversation where they're not even really arguing.

UGH please tell me I'm going to get to SEE Finn at work this time!!! It's about time Mr. Vaughn showed up again.

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Que says...


Thank you for the review! I hope they make up one day too. :)
Yeah sorry about the telling, but I'm glad you liked the potted plant bit.
I kind of struggled with that bit, I wanted her to be emotional over it since she's never really talked about it with anyone before, but you're right that screaming isnt really the right thing either. I'll work on that haha.

And yes, we're going to actually see Mr. Vaughn, I was going to have it this chapter but needed to work with Sylvie first. XD But don't worry! Next chapter Finnley will talk to him at work. :)




It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey