Anew

by PrehistoricEchoes

Published July 3, 2014

E - Everyone

In ScienceFiction/Fantasy

Author's Note: Another one of my "1AM Braindumps," as I've begun calling them. I usually write short stories when I can't sleep due to having too many ideas in my head. Anyway, this one was written quickly, but I liked how it read and decided to show it off.

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"If you could go to a new world... If you could leap without looking and make you a new self... If I gave you the chance to begin your life anew...

...would you take it?"

-- The question many reported hearing before the "November Vanishings"

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The two walked up the cold slope of the mountainside, chilly wind rushing past them. The sun was setting, bathing the massive edifice in a myriad of brilliant oranges and reds. Shadows danced as the glowing orb descended below the horizon.

They had been hiking up the rocky slope for two days, hoping to slay the dragon at the peak for rare materials they could sell in a nearby village.

One was a boy, wearing a dark green cloak and hood. Sheathed at his side was a black, steel shortsword, forged for him by a friend in the village far below. His young face was lined by the shadow of a beard. He hadn’t shaved in a while.

The other was a girl. She wore a light blue coat and waistcloth, studded on the elbows and rims with glowing, teardrop-shaped orange jewels. Her weapon of choice was a thin rapier made of silver metal. Under her hood, her braided, dirty blonde hair fell not far below her shoulders.

Both carried large packs laden with the gear they would need for the long trip and subsequent battle. Neither was used to this life, but they needed to do this. After all, selling the materials would finally get them enough money to buy a house, a dream they had shared for some time. In this new world, a permanent residence would definitely be preferable to always buying rooms at local inns.

The boy paused for a moment on a flat outcropping, watching the red sun fall below the horizon. “Want to camp here for the night, Lynn?” he asked.

She nodded. “Looks good enough, I guess,” she mumbled in an uninterested tone.

“Something wrong?” the boy asked, laying down his sleeping roll.

“No, Wes, I’m fine,” she said. “Just…thinking.”

“About what?” He pulled some small, red crystals from his pack and set them in a small pile.

Lynn shrugged, unrolling her own sleeping mat.

“Come on, you can tell me,” Wes urged as he lined the pile of crystals with stones. When he finished, he pulled a match from his pocket, lit it, and threw it on the glowing stones. They burst into a deep red flame, bathing the area in warmth.

“It’s about this whole...everything!” she shouted frantically, dropping down onto her sleeping roll. “We’ve been trapped here for months! There are hundreds of people just like us stuck in this place, and so far no one’s found a way out!”

It was Wes’ turn to shrug. “I don’t mind it too much,” he replied rather casually.

“How can you say ‘you don’t mind it’?” Lynn snapped. “Don’t you care about your family back home? They’re probably worried sick about you! Mine are probably worried about me!”

She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Wes sat down next to her and placed an arm over her shoulders. He had known Lynn for three months, and he knew that she had not fully overcome the incident. At least, not emotionally. In fact, no one he’d encountered had, but some coped better than others.

“We weren’t meant to live like this,” Lynn sniffed. “Not as warriors or merchants or whatever we figure we should be. I was normal before. I had a life. I had a job. I had friends...”

Wes nodded. “Same here,” he stated, rubbing her back. “My friends are probably worried half to death. And my boss…he’s probably gone ballistic with me at least four months late from the job.”

Lynn looked up at Wes. “Thinking about it, you never told me what you were back home.”

He let out a short laugh. “You’re right. I was an accountant, fresh out of college. I worked for a big company crunching numbers for decent pay. What’d you do?”

“I was a desk clerk at a hotel, hoping to pay off my last year at a university” she said. “That’s why I was working at that inn when we met. I guess I thought it’d be familiar…”

“You still remember that day?” Wes asked. They had been travelling together for six weeks, and he had nearly forgotten that she was an innkeeper. She had proven to be such a good fighter it was hard to imagine her selling rooms and bringing drinks to tables.

Lynn cracked a faint grin through her tears. “Yeah. This crazy guy walked in, drenched from rain, and asked if I would rent a room for a few copper pieces.” She giggled. “And then he tried to sell me a sword when he found out he didn’t have the money.”

“Guess it’s done pretty well.” He gestured to her rapier.

She nodded.

They sat in silence, listening to the fiery crystals crackle as darkness slowly enveloped the mountain. Now the stars began illuminating the land with a cool, blue light. The two removed their heavier gear and moved to their sleeping rolls, parallel to one another.

Lynn turned over to look at her companion. “So you really don’t mind being stuck here?” she asked.

“No,” he said after a short pause. “Not that much, at least. I mean, there’s people I miss. Heck, things I miss. Can’t watch TV anymore. But at the same time, it’s a whole new world. Look.” He motioned to the stars, which hung in the night sky like a thousand blue diamonds. “When could you see something like this back home?

“Back home, I was just an accountant. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t go anywhere. I was never anyone interesting… But here... There’re so many possibilities. I used to be a thief when I first got here. I was a coward. Then a weapons seller, and now I’m a full-time adventurer. I’ve seen mountains, valleys, and oceans when I couldn’t have even taken vacation before. And look at you, from inn worker to honest-to-God warrior.”

Lynn smiled at the last comment.

“Besides, if I hadn’t gotten stuck here, I wouldn’t have met you.” He reached out with his hand, a ring on his finger. She reached out with hers, a gold band wrapped around one her fingers too.

“It is amazing…” Lynn whispered, looking into the sky. After a moment, she asked, “Do you think we’ll ever make it back home?”

“I don’t know,” Wes replied. “But if we do, I can think of a lot of things I’d miss.”

He gripped her hand tighter.

Perhaps I should make the most of this while it lasts, Lynn thought as her husband fell asleep. She looked back to the stars. After all, this new life... It hasn't been that bad…

Comments & reviews · 10
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Tina579
Review
Tina579 wrote a review Review · Sep 22, 2014

This story was totally unexpected, while I was reading further along in the story I expected the characters to fight battles or something. However, the writer must wanted the readers to believe this short story would be about something different other than what it really is and the title of this piece reflects the message in the story "Anew". So I really enjoyed this one and as a reader I like to be turned around or deceived by a story... nice work!

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dawny9791
Review
dawny9791 wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2014

Hey:) Dawny here for a review-

I really love your writing. You have that adddictingness about your writing style that most writers thrive to have (not trying to be creepy - I'm just saying, like think of your favorite author). I know what its like to start a new life, so I can really relate to this story. I love how the characters seem so simple, and not like teens today where if we don't have technology or other things that we can't live without we may as well die. What I mean is, without being to dramatic, I love how your characters are so simple!

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Kendastic
Review
Kendastic wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2014

I love this! You should look into making it a full story! I would buy it off the shelves in a heartbeat.

I love the concept. I've heard the question a few times in my life, but never thought much about it.

I love how the characters are transported into a completely different world, that doesn't seem nearly as advanced as the world is today.

If that were to happen to teens now a day, we'd be lost without our technology.

I love it and keep up the good work!

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Apricity
Review
Apricity wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2014

The sun was setting, bathing the massive edifice in a myriad of brilliant oranges and reds.


Nice description, I like the imagery here.

One was a boy, wearing a dark green cloak and hood. Sheathed at his side was a black, steel shortsword, forged for him by a friend in the village far below. His young face was lined by the shadow of a beard. He hadn’t shaved in a while.

The other was a girl. She wore a light blue coat and waistcloth, studded on the elbows and rims with glowing, teardrop-shaped orange jewels. Her weapon of choice was a thin rapier made of silver metal. Under her hood, her braided, dirty blonde hair fell not far below her shoulders.


Classic telling here, try and avoid descriptions that details exactly what the character does. Is very still, and not very vivid and interesting. Saying that he wore and what weapons he carried isn't exactly making a very deep expression, we might as well be reading off a character profile. This is a story, you're a writer and your job is to paint pictures with your words. You did the same style with the girl, how about writing these descriptions into an action scene? Maybe describe how the boy or the girl's hair would look as they walk up? Maybe compare the colour of their clothing to the scenery? That way, is much more alive and the imagery is more vivid then just plain stating it out.

Both carried large packs laden with the gear they would need for the long trip and subsequent battle. Neither was used to this life, but they needed to do this. After all, selling the materials would finally get them enough money to buy a house, a dream they had shared for some time. In this new world, a permanent residence would definitely be preferable to always buying rooms at local inns.


In relationship to the paragraph quoted above, has the same problem as the one with the boy and the girl, the intention was stated clearly here. What they wish, what they want in plain sentences. Once again, 'the plain, flat telling voice.' There is dialogue later on in the novel, and all that above information probably could have been reflected in a few lines of dialogue. Your dialogue skills aren't bad, and dialogue is one of the best way to evoke emotions, portray characters whether you intend it or not. So, that's just some advice on my part.

I actually started writing this review yesterday but since then, as you can see, a lot of reviews has popped up but I will tell you my two pence still. Squall had already pointed out a lot of the things I want to say so I'm actually focus on your writi style and give you advice there.

You seem to be the type of writer that writes out her action, who tends to narrates things out but also with a little description thrown here and there. At the moment, your voice is a bit passive but that's no problem. Sometimes your voice and tone is vivid, but at others it falls flat. And you also tend to rush things, which a lot of writers on YWS encounter a lot. Such as that last part of the story, that seemed very sudden without any explanation. Take time to develop and let your characters talk.

Lastly, I know this is a short story, but it seems to be a pretty good chapter one for something. Ever considered developing it further?

All the best, if you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

-S.s

Hey, so I know it's been nearly a year since you did this review, and you might not even remember doing it, but I've been rewriting the story and using the reviews here, and this one has been one of the most helpful.

I might not post the new one here, but I just wanted to thank you for the helpful criticism, it was great and I'm hoping the story has improved. Going to try and publish it.

As for developing it into a novel, that might happen, though I think the meaning of the story is a lot better conveyed in a short story rather than a novel or anthology.

ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2014

Hey there! Cricket here for a review!

WOW. THIS.IS.AMAZING. Will do a couple of nitpicks then continue gushing over this as I'm about ready to die! This is incredible!! :D

The two walked up the cold slope of the mountainside, chilly wind rushing past them.


My only suggestion for this would be to put the before chilly.

The sun was setting, bathing the massive edifice in a myriad of brilliant oranges and reds.


Ohh WOW. This is simply amazing! I LOVE this line. But, I do have a slight nitpick with this. Don't make your descriptions out to be like poetry. Now, I understand that some readers like it when the descriptions are poetic sounding, but they are rare. So yeah, I'd say slow down just a little on the poetic descriptions. JUST A LITTLE. Some imagery of that caliber is absolutely amazing sometimes. :P

They had been hiking up the rocky slope for two days, hoping to slay the dragon at the peak for rare materials they could sell in a nearby village.


Hmm, I'm a little confused right now. Well, now I'm not. I just re-read the sentence over. I'd suggest rephrasing it a little, so no confusion is brought about. Like, I at first wasn't sure what you were talking about. I had been previously thinking..were they hiking up the mountain to slay the dragon, or to sell rare material in the nearby village. I know I know! Silly Cricket! But that's the way I read it, so I'd suggest going through it and making sure its put as clearly as possible as to avoid confusion among dummies like me. :P

He hadn’t shaved in a while.


This seemed rather abrupt. Like it was a piece of information just being shoved in our faces. I mean, guys of course look pretty cool when they don't shave for a while, but when said so bluntly I felt like it was something that was not that important, but was just thrown out there. :D So, my suggestion would be... to put this description in a later part of the story, using like an action to describe it or something along those lines.

he stated,


Ohh, this character of yours is awesome by the way...but anyway...I don't think stated is quite the right word to use. Stated doesn't make him seem sympathetic towards her. I rather thought he was trying to make her be sympathetic towards him instead. Now, from reading further on, I know this isn't the case! But that was the impression that I got from just this little word. Hmm, one word can certainly hold a lot of weight, can't it? :D Hope this little bit helped you on this.

‘you don’t mind it’


I'd get rid of those marks on the top and put the entire phrase (the part I've cut out) into italics. :P

one her fingers too.


Just a typo of sorts. You forgot of after one.

OK, from what I've read, there has been some huge character development. So they're married then? That's cute...I've always thought a married couple traveling together trying to search for a new life is always soooo cool. They're choosing their own home! Its like they're picking out their dream spot. :D Ohh, man..I wanna do that! That would be so much fun!

You have some pretty good description skills put to work on this one, so keep that up! :D

Hope this little bit helped you! :D

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Pinkiegirl13
Review
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2014

Hi, PrehistoricEchoes. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*

This is a wonderful story. It is very interesting and lovely piece. The descriptions are wonderful. It gave the image of what is happening in the story. Also, the characters are seem so realistic to me. I will give this story a 'like'. This is an amazing and enjoyable masterpiece in the world. I enjoyed this story very much. Even through it has some nitpicks and the sentences kind of got me confused for a bit, I really love this story. I love to read more from you. Have a nice day!

Awesome job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

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Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review Review · Jul 3, 2014

Hey there.

One was a boy, wearing a dark green cloak and hood. Sheathed at his side was a black, steel shortsword, forged for him by a friend in the village far below. His young face was lined by the shadow of a beard. He hadn’t shaved in a while.

The other was a girl. She wore a light blue coat and waistcloth, studded on the elbows and rims with glowing, teardrop-shaped orange jewels. Her weapon of choice was a thin rapier made of silver metal. Under her hood, her braided, dirty blonde hair fell not far below her shoulders.


Just a nitpick here, but what kind of dragon are we talking about here? They don't seem to be that well equipped to be taking down a dragon. Even some skilled warriors would be donned in armor and equipped with a shield for this sort of dragon slaying business. Here, I would think they would bring along some sort of defense, like maybe a spell that can help restrict the dragon's movements, or some kind of potion to make them immune to the dragon's flames? Stuff like that.

He let out a short laugh. “You’re right. I was an accountant, fresh out of college. I worked for a big company crunching numbers for decent pay. What’d you do?”


So here I started to get confused. The story starts off in a fantasy world, but then it brings up stuff that one would find in a modern world like ours. So are these people role-playing a fantasy situation, or does this world have both fantasy and modern elements?

Lynn turned over to look at her companion. “So you really don’t mind being stuck here?” she asked.


Oh I apologize, I get what's happening now. They were used to be from the modern world, but ended up in the fantasy world.

Overall impressions:

There are a few things I like about it. Your descriptions are pretty decent, I just wished you could of described more, like their surroundings and appearance.

I'll start by saying this: I think you need to make it more obvious that they were used to be from the modern world, but got lost into the fantasy world. The first section reads like a fantasy novel, but when you start saying things like college and stuff, that was when things got a bit confusing. Even after understanding it, I find that those two elements feel really disjointed. I think you need to establish in the beginning that these people aren't from the fantasy world to begin with, otherwise it seems as though you're randomly dropping the idea in.

So I like that you have a camp fire scene, giving more of an idea of who these characters are and what their former lives were. My problem however is that it reads like they're introducing each other for the first time, when in fact they've known each other for months. When you've been traveling with each other for that long, I would think they would know some basic things like their occupation, where they used to live, that sort of stuff. The conversation that they are having now feels like it's something that they would have on the first night together, not something several months down the road.

The conversation I think they should be having now should be one of reassurance. Lynn just had a break down and is getting tired of having to hunt to survive, and I would imagine Wes feels the same way. So this camp fire session should be one where they vent our their frustration, discuss their current situation with one another, get themselves together again and to plan their next course of action.

My other problems is that I think there isn't a smooth, natural progression from them heading towards the Dragon's Lair, to the outburst, to them setting up the camp, and then the talk. It sorta feels forced and rushed in some places. You have some pretty decent describing skills, so let's use that more. If they've been hunting to survive for a while, then show more of that. Show them having to find a nearby lake for water. Show them having to find an appropriate place for camp, because remember, they are in the wild after all, and not everywhere is safe :)

Lynn's outburst seems to come all of a sudden. I think you need to build it up leading to this point more. They must be really desperate to be hunting a dragon for income yes? So why not show more of how desperate their situation really is? The argument leading to the outburst could of been better written. It should start off from something and escalate to them needing to have this heart to heart talk by the camp fire. Maybe the weather has been absolutely horrendous in the last few days, and worst, they've been unable to find food for a while. Point is, her outburst needs to stern from something smaller.

One last thing:

“We’ve been trapped here for months! There are hundreds of people just like us stuck in this place, and so far no one’s found a way out!”


If there are other people like them who's trapped in this world, then why don't they work together to find a way out. The more the merrier right? But how come they've decided to just keep it to a party of two? That's something to think about.

Hope this gives you something to think about.
Andy.

Thanks for the review! I caught a lot of plot holes writing this, but I figured I'd just post it anyway and see what others had to say first. The more input, the better the next draft!
Anyway, I'm taking a lot of what you said into consideration. The next draft will definitely be longer, with a little more focus on the characters and what exactly has been going on, and how they've developed from who they were into what they are now.
Funny, this originated as a single concept at 1AM, but now it's evolving into a bigger story. Should be fun to see how this turns out!
Thanks again!

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ulala8
Review
ulala8 wrote a review Review · Jul 3, 2014

Hello! Ulala here for a review!

Let me just start off by saying that the imagery of this second sentence was absolutely gorgeous! I love your word choice!
"The sun was setting, bathing the massive edifice in a myriad of brilliant oranges and reds."

Normally how I write reviews is I write it as I read the story. However, I couldn't stop myself reading. I can't bring myself to find anymore nitpicks. Er, well, I have one more nitpick, but this story kept my attention for the entire time. I'm absolutely in love with this. It was straight to the point, yet bursting with imagery! It's absolutely enchanting!

My only last nitpick is about the beginning. I understand how it relates to the story, but I would have liked it to be more clear. By the end, I had to struggle to remember what the opening lines were. Looking back, I understand, but maybe we could have a little more relevance in the story.

This was an absolutely beautiful and enchanting piece of writing. I loved every bit of it! Thank you!

Thanks for the review! I can understand what you said about not remembering the opening... I'll try to make them have more meaning to the story more in the next draft.

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ChristataAstera
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ChristataAstera commented Comment · Jul 3, 2014

This is fantastic. I can't find anything wrong with it. Literally. I love the concept, the imagery, the characters, everything. Just...wow. I would read a book based on this. Good job.
(This is terrible feedback, I'm sorry)



A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown