Into the Storm

by PrehistoricEchoes

Published February 10, 2014

E - Everyone

In ScienceFiction/Fantasy

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Author's Note: "Set in the little-remembered yet beautifully crafted Bionicle universe. This was made for a writing contest for another site I'm on, and I decided to publish it here to see what you guys would think." End Note.

Amahain stood on the edge of a cliff, watching as the ships carrying her fellow villagers set off westwards toward the horizon. The suns hung low in the sky, framing the great ships against their twin red forms.

Seagulls called in the dimming sky. She adjusted her armor as the cold night began to fall. Clouds were gathering to the east. The first, harsh storm of spring was beginning to brew further inland. A crack of thunder sounded in the evening.

She grabbed her gold Kanohi Hau and placed it back over her face and turned towards the storm. Blue-white lightning flashed against the clouds. She began the long walk down the stone staircase that framed the mountain, heading inland towards her home village.

The walk down the mountain was a long one. She pulled a scarf over her mouth as winds began to pick up. Her armor began to pinch the flat area on her left shoulder where her arm had once long ago been. She pulled at it, relieving the pain.

The clouds were overhead now, their grey forms blackening the dusk sky. A purple streak of lightning lashed against the dark, quickly followed by a tremendous roar of thunder. Amahain shuddered as the rain began to fall. First it was only a drizzle, but the water quickly began to fall in heavy, grey sheets. Her brown and gold armor was quickly soaked by the storm.

She reached the bottom of the carved stairs and stepped down on to the grassy trail, heading towards her village. The town was in ruins. The small wooden huts where her friends had once lived in were destroyed. Some of the dwellings were aflame, casting harsh orange lights in the darkness. The nearby mountains now silently mourned the village.

The female Toa silently thanked Mata Nui that her friends had left on the boats. She prayed they would make it to safety. The bioquake that had totaled the village had been enough. Why did he have to come here as well?

The sound of something moving in the wreckage emanated from her left. Amahain whirled like a zephyr, drawing her blade. She sent a blast of raw elemental energy hurdling in the direction of the noise. A moment later, the screech of an injured Rahkshi sounded from the dark. The hideous creature, clad in blue armor, emerged from one of the ruined huts, a smoldering wound on its left leg. The beast’s piercing orange eyes fell on Amahain. She stared back, expressionless. Fearless.

The Rahkshi’s helm opened, revealing the hideous kraata within. It let out a piercing screech and charged, energy crackling along the staff it held. Amahain dodged it and delivered a strike to its back. The Rahkshi growled and responded with a blow to her gut, sending the Toa flying. She landed in pile of rubble. The blue-armored Rahkshi approached her, raising its staff above her head.

With an impressive amount of willpower, Amahain sent a rock flying at the monster with her elemental powers. The boulder connected with the Rahkshi’s skullcasing, rendering it unconscious.

The female Toa of Stone stood up and continued walking. She eventually reached the main street that ran through the village’s center. There, she stopped, staring into the pouring rain. Winds howled, blowing her cape behind her. She pulled the scarf further onto her face and waited. Rain pattered against her mask, but the Toa did not flinch.

A terrifying, lonely howl emanated from the rain in front of her. Eventually, a being emerged. He was massive, easily four masks taller than Amahain, and clad in thorny, white and red armor. He wore a long, spiked Kanohi mask and held no weapons. Two massive, equally spiked wings extended from his back. The being regarded her with two red eyes, filled with a mixture of malice and pity. Her protector turned executioner. The Makuta of her home.

Amahain had so many questions she wanted to ask. Why did he have to attack? What had happened to the world? Why had the other Toa been killed? Another blast of thunder sounded. Amahain raised her blade. She could hear the howls of Rahkshi begin to sound from the mountains around her.

She glared at the Makuta with her harsh green eyes. Hate towards this being began to storm within her, mirroring the tempest around her. With a feral roar, filled with the rage against this being for destroying her people, her home, and even the lives of some of her friends, she charged the Makuta. Krika, Makuta of the Northern Continent, opened his palms, which crackled and sparked with chain lightning.

Amahain held her sword forward and straight, ready to plunge it into the Makuta’s gut. Thunder sounded, lighting flashed, and rain fell as the Toa of Stone charged towards her doom.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Henox
Review
Henox wrote a review Review · May 5, 2014

Great!

I'm happy that there are still some Bionicle fans left!
Everything in the story was great. I think there are some canonical issues.

How could there be a female toa of stone? As far as I know Only toa of water are female.

The two suns in the matoran universe are Mata nui's eyes that are only seen from metru nui, and I think that they always stay up.


Those are just small things and I don't think that they really alter the story much. I love how you managed to keep that bionicle feel, even though it's a fan fiction it feels like i'm reading the real thing!

A fellow Bionicle fan? Astounding!

Anyway, there are a few things. And yes, there can't be female Toa of Stone, but there's a lot of them in the fandom and I'm definitely not the first. Water, Lightning, Psyonics, and Light are the only elements with female characters, but many people like using them in other rolls as well. Even Greg thinks it was a mistake.

Also, Metru Nui did have two suns, but they weren't constantly up. There was sunset and nightfall...which always confused me. Heck, in Web of Shadows, we see multiple stages of the day-night cycle. I figured the Southern continent might obey similar rules.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Glad to see there's another Bionicle fan on the site!

User avatar
WallFlower
Review
WallFlower wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hi there :)

Honestly, for me, I was never completely pulled into this story. You did a good job of telling me what happened, but I never felt any emotion from it. It was more like hearing about something sad/bad than experiencing it.

Maybe that was because I really have no idea about this Bionicle universe... I googled it and did a little reading, so I think I understand a some of it now. I think.

Even if it seems unnecessary to you, explaining things like Makuta, Toa, and all the other universe-specific words would really help those of us who haven't even heard of them before. The stuff that you would just assume we know, most likely we don't.

I'll try to show you how this story went for me...

She grabbed her gold Kanohi Hau


She grabbed her what, now?

The female Toa silently thanked Mata Nui


I could assume pretty accurately about this one, but when I first read it I thought you said female Toe, so I started picturing a giant toe with a Kanohi Hau thingamajig on it. It was actually quite hilarious. XP

Amahain whirled like a zephyr, drawing her blade.


All I can assume is that a zephyr is something fast.

The Rahkshi’s helm opened, revealing the hideous kraata within.


This one left me with a mental blank. I didn't know what I was supposed to be picturing.

With an impressive amount of willpower, Amahain sent a rock flying at the monster with her elemental powers.


My reaction: "Wo! She's got elemental powers now? Where did that come from?" If you had mentioned that towards the beginning of the story, it wouldn't have surprised me so much.

I'm not trying to be cruel, but those parts specifically made me really confused. The rest of the story was well described and well written, but a bit of extra explaining would have gone a long way in helping me understand.

I only had one grammatical nitpick.

Her armor began to pinch the flat area on her left shoulder where her arm had once long ago been.


I think the "been" would have fit better before "long ago."

You did have good descriptions on most of your story. I could imagine the mountains and the double suns, but the more specific things was where I got lost.

I'll leave you on a good note; the ending was great. Perfect amount of mystery and suspense.

Hope my review helps :)

~WallFlower

User avatar
HaleyPenguin
Review
HaleyPenguin wrote a review Review · Feb 12, 2014

AWESOME!!!!
I love the description you used. It really did make the story feel more real. Like the reader was there with the characters.
I don't really see any grammatical errors, you wrote this very well. It seems to me that you took your time on this, and might I say, time well spent.
I do agree with JAM4242 that you should use more similies and metaphors. But the personification isn't really needed in my opinion. But it might make the story a little more interesting.
Can't wait till I see more from you :)

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JAM4242 Comment
JAM4242 commented Comment · Feb 12, 2014

Awesome! Love all of the descriptive words. Try to use more similes and metaphors and personification if it fits. Overall amazing!!!! :)



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