Prologue
“Hello, my name is Karker, or as some people call me, Kraker. I know it is a weird name, but that is the name that my parents loved so they named me that regardless. They also call me the bomb-boy because I love to blow things up, which is why I am here. I am qualified for what you want for the job, I need this job, I want this job, and this job is what I love to do.”
A kid of age was dressed in a short sleeve t-shirt that had a Nike logo across the front of it, black jeans that were of cheap brand and make, old and worn out shoes that were sopping wet from the heavy rain that he had to walk through to get there, and a tattered baseball cap that had the Bass-Pro Shop brand on it.
He was sitting in a luxurious arm chair that was making him have to sit forwards to make sure that he did not fall asleep while he was in the middle of the interview, which would probably cost him this job that he so needed. As he was talking, he noticed that the kid’s eyes were fluttering and his stomach was growling, which made sense because he kept drinking the water that was in a pitcher on the coffee table in the middle of them.
This kid, age around 27, was babbling on and on about how he needed this job and he wanted it, so the older guy that was interviewing him turned off his hearing aids so he did not have to hear what he was rambling on and on about. As he sat there and looked at the kid that was talking and talking, he could see the desperation that was on his face, telling the interviewer that he wanted this job very badly.
Finally, he turned on his hearing aids and was listening to the kid telling him how to make an explosive out of toothpaste, a spark plug, a battery, and a little gas or propane. Apparently he knew his explosives and he was able to make something out of nothing if he had to, which would explain the patches on the back of his jacket, which had a bunch of needle work to cover the holes in the back of his nice DDX jacket.
“Ok, you have gotten this job, if you keep your head down, help out, do what you are told to do, you will move up the food chain and get paid more, go on more risk taking jobs, and get a bigger range of tests that will tell us how much you have grown in your knowledge and your experience and your leadership. Go through that door and you will be given food and sleep. Rest up because you have a full day of testing and training tomorrow.”
End of chapter
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139,940 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm....in two minds about this one here, the way this is written seems a little rusty, it needs a lot of ironing out before it can be a nice smooth prologue that really gets your attention, but...the idea in the middle of all of that seems pretty cool, and that's what drew me to review this in the first place. Well, more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...that's an interesting start here, this is a bit of a jumble of thoughts almost, I don't really get what he's trying to say here...the introduction is akay...and the bomb boy skit is kind of alright, its a little on the weirder side but I don't mind that, its just after that, the phrasing gets a little awkward which is the first red flag and then those last bits just straight up don't seem to really be making much sense to be here...sorry if that sounded a little harsh but it just seems like random variations of the same sentence without a proper flow to it.
Alright, that appears to be cutting straight to something random there, it probably makes sense in the scene but the way this is written, this kid appears out of thin air and we don't know where he is relative to anyone else and its just like he appeared in the void which is a touch weird...but....I do like the description, its a decent one.
Okayyy, now we get a little bit more description there, this one is a lot better and a lot more helpful because we can finally understand what the setting here is...so that's a huge plus cause until then it was hard to tell, and that's not great, when you want to introduce multiple characters, you really need to try and make sure we know at the very least where everyone is relative to the other quite early in the scene before they do anything, otherwise, its a bit tough to discern who's doing what where.
Okay...I suppose now the first part makes a tiny bit of sense there....but well...the fact that I can only sort of understand it now, almost at the end of this prologue is not a good sign..also..27 is a very specific number for someone to guess...I'd make more sense to say late twenties or something...cause not too many people would just guess someone's that specific of an age.
Okay...he does know his stuff, spark plug and propane certainly can do a lot, batteries are also useful, not sure what the toothpaste is for, either he wants to have perfectly white teeth before he blows something up or that has a chemical compound that I don't know about...which is very plausible....but okay...nice bit of detailing there.
Alright, reasonable end to a prologue, certainly promises some sort of excitement to come there...and it also seems to be the start of what could potentially be a pretty interesting story here...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think this could certainly make for an interesting story, but the prologue itself needs a bit of work here, you've gotta take a bit of a closer look at those.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
hello! Welcome to YWS
I'm sorry about what is about to come, I'm very straightforward when I review, please don't take anything too much to heart, and realize I'm just here to help! Also realize that everything I'm about to say is merely opinion, you don't have to do exactly what I say! Let's hop right in!
the nickname is just way too close to the original. Honestly, when I first read this, i thought it said the same thing. try "Kar" or something? it's just weird because there's only one letter change, and it looks too much like the original.
this is super awkward. mostly just the way it's worded. I don't know what kind of character your character is though, so I don't know how he would word things or act. Karker for some reason makes me think he's more of a chill guy, but I may be wrong. I don't know, it just sounds way to formal.
honestly, the whole entire first paragraph makes him come off as very awkward. and formal, but still in an awkward way. Almost forced.
of age? what does that mean? 18? 21? 40? be specific.
I do like your second paragraph and how you worded it, very good word choice that helps paint a picture of what he wears.
don't say the inferred! the beginning all up until "while" is good, but we can gather he is being interviewed for a job that he really needs. Use this sentence to describe the man interviewing him, what is that man wearing? is he old? young? give me more details I don't know.
ahhhhh, there's the age.
I don't know, this can get kind of confusing not knowing any of the character's names, and following which head you're in. one moment you're talking from the kids POV and then you go to the mans.
the fourth paragraph is more of telling us things we already know, too repetitive! give us some new information.
hmmm. I don't know how I feel about this. I feel like the beginning of a novel should give me a good feel for what each the characters are like, and I can't say I got much from this. I need something to hook me from the beginning, and I'm jut not getting it here. This honestly isn't bad at all, but it's not...it's not attention grabbing yet. but don't worry, I know you can get it. I just need more information. The man has no emotional connection with me, and this kid builds bombs, so? give me a reason to want to continue to learn about these characters.
like I said, you have a start, it just needs a little more, and it'd be really cool. I can tell this is going to be interesting, I just need mooooore.
I hope you don't take too much offense to this, I honestly mean the best! I'll be reviewing all parts you have posted on this tonight, I hope this helps!
please PM me with any questions!
- Del
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I am in need of a new novel to follow, and this prologue has me interesting in adopting yours to read through and provide feedback for.
You provided just enough to make me want more; good. That is what a prologue is for. I never write them, but that's just me. You established the writing style to be expected in later installments, and it is a good one. You have talent and know basically what you're doing. Don't let that get to your head, you still made plenty of mistakes and will make millions more as you practice and learn.
One thing I feel the urgent need to point out is what seems to be your favorite words: that. You say "that" so many times. It is what I call a "fluff word." You include the word "that" in class when trying to reach a word count. A vast majority of the time, you can completely omit it and the sentence will be fine. The rest of the time you can pull out a dictionary or thesaurus and find something better to use.
That is my challenge for you: use the word "that" less. It gets in the way and doesn't really do anything for the story. When it comes to narratives, fewer words are better. Imagery and dialogue (external and internal both) are where you can take liberties with your word count.
I will read what you have and leave some more reviews! I like Kraker already, and I think you have something cool going on here.
Keep up the great work,
~Q
Thanks Questio for the review. I will be taking your advise for the rest of the chapters I am writing.
Even though it was short, I like it. I can't really tell what's going on but I guess it will be explained as the story goes on.
I couple of things I noticed though. In the second paragraph where you are describing the person, it seems like a lot of info for the start of a story. Plus it's all pretty much one sentence. Maybe you could have the guy who is listening to him observe all these things as the man is talking. That way it'd be more spaced out.
And also the last paragraph seems rushed as well. Maybe have the man in charge speak, stand up, speak, walk towards the door, speak... Ya know, space it out with actions instead of one big text paragraph.
Other than that the idea seems cool! I hope you keep writing.
Ok, thanks for the advice, the next chapter is going to be coming out in like, three minutes.
Nice! I'll be waiting to read it.
Nice! I'll be waiting to read it.
It is up!