Chapter One
Walking through the door to the chamber that he could sleep in, he had to gasp. He thought that it would be a cot and a little sink and a toilet that they would let him use, but no, it was the opposite. Walking in to the room he had a four poster bed on the right, a walk-in closet on the left where he had an array of nice clothing and an array of boots and shoes.
On the left corner of the room was a bathroom that had a shower with bath capabilities, a toilet, a sink, and an array of Bath and Body soaps and shampoos that he could use. Picking one of the soaps up, he smelled his mom’s favorite soap that she had loved and bought so many of when she had the chance.
The only odd thing was the right corner of the main chamber where the bed was, which had a shelf with a lever that he thought would, which looked like it was part of the wood almost, go in to another room that was hidden. Walking over to that lever with wonder bouncing around his head at a million miles per hour, he pulled it with all his might. But the lever would not budge.
These things were what set Karker off. Bracing himself, he pulled on the lever with all his might that he could muster at that moment. As the lever slid down, it clicked in to place and the shelf slowly slid over to the right. As the interior of the hidden room was revealed, it was everything that Karker had ever dreamed of and wanted.
Inside of the room was an array of explosives and propane bottles and gas cans and detonators and C4 and all of the deadly poisons that could kill people in a second. Whistling, Karker went in to the room to see what else was in there besides stuff for killing people or things or just making some people ticked off because he could blow their building to smithereens.
As he got to the back, there was a tunnel that you could tell was blasted down at a steep angle, making it a steep decent and a steep climb on the way up. After going down the tunnel for fifteen or twenty feet, he decided to go back up and get himself some explosives so if he ran in to somebody or something that he did not want to, he could get away after he threw some of the explosives at them.
Going back to where there were explosives, he grabbed some tinfoil, three C batteries, some paper clips, and little mint size propane bottles. Taking the paperclip, he wrapped the batteries and the propane bottles in the paperclips, then he wrapped them in the tin foil to create a charge.
Doing that and making five or six little bombs, he walked out of the little bomb room and in to the room where the bed and the bathroom was and shut the door that hid the little bomb room. Taking some of the silver wire that was left-over from the paperclips, he tied three of them together and made a little line that would cause a chain explosion if the door was opened, where he could throw the other three of the charges that he had left to defend himself.
Chuckling, he moved over to the bed and planted the rest of the charges on the top of the double decker bed where he could reach them easily if he had to take and defend himself at moment’s notice, which he was thinking would be necessary because it was his first night and he just found a secret place, so whoever had made that tunnel and that room, they were bound to come after him so that the secret would not come out.
After he put the last explosive underneath the top of the bunkbed, he moved over to the bathroom to take a nice and soothing and relaxing bath to take all of the tension out of his back. Before he had come here to apply to this job, he had been working for a ranch that was paying well, but was not doing too good.
Instead of the ranch paying less and letting go of some people so they could stay afloat, they made the pay-check more and gave them more and more of the little perks. Then after the ranch was done, he found out that the owner had died fifteen years before the ranch closed.
The children did not want the money that had been left for them, so they poured it in to the ranch, so that every paycheck that everybody got every month was about 4 thousand dollars. You are probably thinking that Karker spent his money on gamboling and drugs and stuff like that, but he did not.
Karker had gone to a college, and he had gotten a full ride scholarship for sports and academics. But one of the students had a grudge against him, so he went to the college director and the president and said that he did not want him to get the full ride scholarship, and he won.
So after the kid who had the grudge had won his ‘case’, Karker could not back out of college, so he had to pay 50 thousand dollars each semester, and he had eleven to go. That is five hundred and fifty thousand dollars that he had to pay out of pocket. That is why he needed the job with the ranch, and he had that for ten years, so he still had a pretty good chunk of money that he still needed to pay to the bank, but he had caught up pretty good. And he had only 70 thousand to pay now, which he hoped he could get from this job because it said that he could get up to five hundred thousand dollars just off of one good job.
As he turned on the water, he immediately put his hand under the water to see how warm it was. Jerking his hand out of the water, he stared at his hand as the ice from the water froze on his hand. Looking back at the running water that was going in to the tub, he saw that there was already a two inch lip of ice that was forming at the deep end of the tub. Turning the other nob completely, he found that that water was scalding hot and was enough to unfreeze the ice that was in the tub within three seconds of coming in to the tub.
Thinking that he did not want to have a bath anymore because these hot water heaters were messed up and they wanted to kill him from freezing him to scalding him to death, he filled up the tub to the brim and made sure that the water was of comfortable warmth before he stepped out of his clothes and in to the bath tub.
His mom had always said that when you needed to think and to relax your muscles, you need to take a long soak in the bath tub and that will relax your mind and your muscles and you can think because what else can you do while soaking in a bath tub other than sleep. But Karker did not think, he fell asleep.
Waking up to being in chilly water, Karker drained some of the water out and got some more hot water in the tub so he could warm up before he went to bed. Warming the water up to where he was comfortable just lying in the water, he stayed in the tub until the water started to get colder again, then he stepped out of the tub and then in to some clean clothes that he had put out before he had gone in to the tub.
After he combed his hair and shaved and dried off, he went over to the shelf to see that the little bombs were intact and were still up on the shelf. Satisfied that no one had come in to his room, he went over to the double decker bed and sank in to the thick and lush mattress that was on the bed and pulled the covers up on him. With just lying down in a foreign bed for five seconds, he fell fast asleep.
End of chapter
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same introduction as last review
but here it goes again:
this is a no no, with a word like "array", a word that stands out amongst others, you can't use it twice in the same sentence. It just seems super repetitive. try supply or arrangement.
I was disappointed when I didn't learn more about his mother after this. It's a perfect lead in. I'm struggling. It's hard to write a review on each chapter of a novel in general, because things I say may be mentioned later in your plot. So if that's the case, just ignore my comment. I feel like it's a good thing that you're leaving all of these questions, it makes me want to continue to read to answer them, and I'm also not getting an information overload.
this is a very awkward pause in the middle of it. Maybe rearrange it, like this:
"The only odd thing was the right corner of the main chamber where the bed was. It had a shelf with a lever, which looked like it was part of the wood. It almost looked as if it would lead to another hidden room, like what happened in movies."
it just flows better.
woah woah woah, when did this turn to second person? say "people probably thought" .
wait, this guy told the board he doesn't want this guy to have a full ride, so the board was just like "well since this random guy thinks so against what we think, sure! take away his full ride!" ??? that makes no sense. Maybe put some kind of scandal in there? It would be way more believable.
five...hundred...thousand? woah. maybe 2,000? that's more believable lol. I don't know, that just seems like a lot, considering many people don't make that in a year...
hmmm. I don't know. I honestly don't like the whole secret room thing. I would honestly like it better if the lever didn't do anything, and he was just paranoid. It seems almost too fast to be happening in the first chapter. I feel like he has a strong connection with his mom, which shows me the human in him. I like this chapter, other than the secret room. Gives me more insight to who the character is. The ranch job and college part confuses me though. It needs some work, but overall it's pretty good on setting the tone for the book.
on to the next!
- Del
Thanks for the review Lylas. I was asking my family how I could do like a teaser type of thing for the mom, and they said this was the best way to put it, and his mom will be coming up in the fifth chapter, and everything will be explained in the 7th chapter where there is an incident and Karker is laid up and he is talking about his past life. The five hundred thousand and the ranch and college part was kind of confusing, but I will explain it. Karker went to the best college in the entire world, and it cost a lot but he got a full ride scholarship because of his smarts of engineering and real world situations, and he was also really good at sports. His enemy that he went to school with went to the same college and his parents had a pretty good chunk of change because they were a major contributor to the college for funding and stuff. The enemy did not want Karker to get a full ride scholarship so he appealed to the top people in the college and the enemy won, making Karker have to pay for all of the college years that he went there. The ranch job was a well paying one, and the guy that owned it was very old and rich didn't want all of his money going to worthless causes when he died, so him and his family poured all of the money into the ranch for payments to the workers. Hope that made some sense.
yes, it makes a lot more sense xD Maybe put a little more of that into the chapter, yes?
Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!
So I absolutely love this story. I'm heading over to read chapter two now. It's incredible how you published three parts of the story in only two days! Amazing! Back to the story though. I really liked the flow of the story and the description of the room that the character(s) are in. IT seemed perfectly normal at first, but then he pulled a lever and there is a secret room where he makes bombs. That was a super surprise for me.
Onto the nitty gritty. I'm just curious, where did Karker learn to make bombs? Is he living by himself? How old is he? Is he a young adult or slightly older? Anyway, some of the sentences didn't quite flow as well as the rest of the story, so try and watch out for those.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this story. I think it has a lot of potential. And as always KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
Thanks for the review NympheaLily! The rest of the story will unfold here soon, and in the 7th chapter the rest of Karker's secret life, his old life actually, will be told in detail.
Ah more plot! The guy is barely in the room for 5 seconds before he starts making bombs.
The description of the room is great, I can totally picture it. You do have a bunch of run-on sentences though. Adding a couple of super short sentences help to break out of a bunch of long sentences.

I loved this sentence: "These things were what set Karker off." What's with the secret room though?
Another tip. You have a couple of sentences like this:
"Walking through the door to the chamber that he could sleep in, he had to gasp."
It sounds so much better if you say it like this:
"As he walked through the door to his new chamber, he couldn't help but gasp."
I just think it flows better. Can't wait to see how his job goes now that he's settled!
Thanks, and I will be posting the 2 Chapter shortly.
I'll be here!