Hello again
Sorry it took so long- I'm very unsure about this part. The more I read through it the more unhappy I am! Reviews would be very helpful- I need some advice. I'm sorry its quite slow moving (again), I thought that I shouldn't rush over how she gets her feeling back- tell me if you think differently though. So anyway, hope you enjoy it!
Thanx for everyone's reviews so far!! I have edited a bit but probably will more later
All there was left to do was wait; wait for her body to be under her own control; wait for Zahra to return and wait for the ceremony tomorrow night that she would be ’all ready for’.
*
End of part 5
It started with a subtle tingling sensation at the tips of her fingers. Holly knew what it meant- the pill was losing its effect.
She had little idea of how long she had been sat awake in the same place, unmoving. There was no clock that she could see and no window to indicated whether it was light or dark. It felt like she had been frozen for days, the only sight available to her the strange boy opposite. She knew it couldn’t have been that long for Zahra had said she would return after only two hours- and Zahra didn’t seem like the sort of person to be late.
The boy had mostly sat, inspecting her thoroughly with deep brown eyes and only now and again taking a moment to pace up and down the room. He hadn’t spoken again, the enthusiasm that she had glimpsed before was gone. He no longer seemed in the mood to explain things to her- disappointingly.
As she started to regain feeling, Holly was unsure what to do. It was such a delicious buzz that slowly spread throughout her body- it was hard not to delight in it; to wriggle her toes and twitch her nose.
He’ll see me, he’ll know that I can move and call someone. If I regain control over my body then perhaps I can surprise him and that witch- maybe even escape.
She knew her plan held little hope, but what else did she have?
Time moved even slower now that Holly had to concentrate on not shifting or twitching. She could feel the seconds creep past, ever closer to when the door on the other side of the room would open. Her body was gradually coming alive, as if waking from hibernation.
She heard a click as the lock turned.
Now or never…
As the heavy wood swung inwards, Holly launched herself from her seat. She shoved all her weight forwards in an attempt to dive at the person entering and throw them to the ground.
Ow!
In seconds Holly was lying on the floor, face down on the stone. Her chin throbbed with pain and the breath was knocked from her lungs.
I've missed? But how could I- she was right there…
“Looks like our guest is all better then.” Zahra’s sweet voice showed no signs of shock, only amusement.
“How peculiar- she didn’t budge once while I was on watch.” The boy also sounded unruffled by her actions.
Groaning, Holly rolled over onto her back.
Zahra gazed down at Holly, her thin lips stretched tightly back into a smile. “There’s no use in attempting to escape, even if you were fully recovered. Me and Filo here are far stronger and faster than you.” She reached out a bony hand. “Need some help?”
Holly ignored the arm offered to her and struggled to her feet on her own. She tried hard not to wince; she hadn’t landed well and she knew bruises would soon start to develop.
She must be a lot quicker than me to have moved so swiftly out of the way… is it even possible to move that fast?
Her two observers watched her shaky movements and Holly looked up to stare at them fiercely.
“This is not legal.” At first her voice came out dry and scratchy- it had been quite a while since she had last spoken. She cleared her throat and tried again. “You’ve kidnapped me, that’s against the law. I’m telling you now to let me go.” She managed to keep her voice steady even though the rest of her body shook with fright. Holly crossed her arms in an attempt to look serious and keep her trembling hands under control.
“That’s not what we intend to do. Sorry.” Filo smirked at her. “We’ve got much bigger plans for you.”
“I-I don’t care, this is against my consent. So just let me go.” Holly hoped her voice was staying firm; she didn’t want to show any signs of weakness.
“Like Filo said, sorry.” This time Zahra spoke. She gripped Holly’s arm and steered her back towards the chair. Holly couldn’t struggle, the fingertips were like marble digging into her flesh and no amount of shoving or twisting yielded results.
“You can’t do this.” She kept her voice low, even though she longed to scream.
Neither of them paid attention to her words.
Filo put his hands on both her shoulders to keep her firmly seated. His touch sent tremours running through her body- he didn't feel like a normal person should, it was as if he had been carved out of rock. She bit her lip so as not to whimper as his weight pressed down on her. Zahra sat in the chair opposite, pulling a small bundle of material from the ground beside her onto her lap.
“I’ve brought you some clothes that might be a bit more appropriate for tonight than what your currently wearing.” Her eyes ran over Holly’s rigid form critically. If it had been a less threatening situation Holly would have blushed, but now she only glared.
Zahra ignored her. She shook out a folded gold dress so that its hem brushed the floor. Pinching the thin shoulder straps between pointed nails, she presented the gown to Holly, eyes glittering.
Holly could not help but find the dress beautiful- it was stunning, and she knew it would look even more elegant on. It floated to the ground like liquid sunshine with a plunging neckline that Holly would not normally have dared to wear. It was narrower at the waist and flared out slightly at the bottom to create the illusion of curves on even the most boyish of girls. Holly managed to keep her face carefully composed, hiding her wonder.
“You’re to wear this, and…” Zahra reached down again to retrieve a small wooden box with a copper latch. Carefully puling back the lid she dipped her hand in to bring out a pair of sparkling earrings; two diamond studs with gold strips dangling from each to look like tiny shooting stars.
This time Holly did forget herself a moment; caught off guard by the shimmering set she gazed in awe before sharply coming to her senses- not quite quick enough to avoid Zahra’s notice.
Zahra smiled gloatingly, “…these. You might still be slightly weak so I’ll stay to make sure you are OK in dressing while Filo gives you some privacy.”
How very kind.
“Filo,” Zahra turned her steely gaze to her accomplice. “Set everything up outside- I want nothing but the best for when she arrives.”
Filo gave a slight nod and released Holly from his iron hold to walk swiftly from the room- what appeared to Holly to be only a blur of movement. She felt her shoulders ache from the pressure of his hands, along with the throbbing pain that ran the full length of her body from her dive moments before. She fought the urge to rub her neck and relieve her discomfort.
Zahra stood up from her chair, draping the dress over its back and placing the earrings neatly on top. Once standing she looked even more intimidating and Holly had to tilt her head to maintain eye contact. Holly shuddered at seeing Zahra's expression- there was no kindness there.
“I’d suggest you get ready quickly- I’m not very patient.”
Thanks for taking the time to read this! Next part will be out some point next week
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I'm slowly catching up!
***
Ok, so. You keep apologising for your story being slow moving. I did mention this in my part 5 review, but I might just ellaborate a touch.
ACTION VS. CONFLICT:
They do not equate. Or, more to the point, the word "action" when used by a writer does not mean the same thing as the word "action" used by, say, Bruce Willis. Physical action can be interesting, but it isn't the only way to be interesting, and you certainly should not be trying to rely on it as such. Action in writing includes any type of conflict that your characters are trying to solve (problems with other characters, trying to find things out ... anything really).
Filo and co.'s problem seems to be that they need Holly to do something, or be someone, for them so that they can get ... whatever it is that they want. Holly has a problem because she doesn't want to be held captive by these people. Joseph seems to have a little problem in that Filo bosses him around a lot.
When your characters are trying to solve these problems (or any other problems that may come up or that I don't know about), you have your conflict. This sort of conflict is a lot more interesting than physical action. Trust me. It is. In fact, physical action without any underlying conflict can be really, really boring.
You do have conflict. Don't worry so much about not having everything action-packed.
***
So ... other stuff!
Typo. Capitalise the "H".
I don't like the use of "in seconds". That makes it seem like we've skipped a bit of action and this is the result. Also seconds are a lot longer than you think. For me, it slowed it down a lot. You could just do the "Ow!" thing and then go "Holly found herself lying on the floor..." or whatever.
I don't get it. Did she launch herself in the wrong direction or something?
I only understood it at this point. Holly would have got her, but Zahra was far too fast.
... wait ... this is the bad lady right? Why is she offering help? At least ... why is she offering help in nice way? Possibly she would want Holly standing and therefore not mind helping her up, but that just seems too ... nice.
"Just let me go". Does she really expect that to work? I mean, I'm not opposed to her saying it. People say some pretty unreasonable things, especially when they don't realise how serious a situation is. But ... yeah. She's had a few hours just sitting there to think all this over. Plus she's just done a big "this is illegal" speech and, if it were me, their reaction to that might discorage me from continuing in that line. But she's your character. You know how she's react to this sort of thing better than I would.
In general I think you did a good job showing that Holly was scared, but I'm not convinced she would forget it all over a dress and earings, no matter how pretty they are. See, if it were me, being told to change into a dress would just be sinister. Why do they want me in a dress? It would really make me worry what they wanted me for.
I think that's the perfect amount of dress description. Lots of people wouldn't want to read a technical description of a dress, so it's good you didn't go in for that. I have a few things though from in here ...
"It floated to the ground like liquid sunshine with a plunging neckline ..." makes it sound like you're still refering to liquid sunshine when you mention the plunging neckline, not the dress. You might want to separate that.
"... that Holly would not normally have dared to wear."
Again ... phrased quite ... nicely. They seem to be taking a lot more care of Holly than they need to, especially since (if I remember correctly) in the last part Filo was contemplating hurting her for fun. I can understand Zahra staying in the room. If I were her I wouldn't want Holly trying anything to escape, or just ripping up the dress to spite me. But ... I don't know. She says she's staying to make sure Holly doesn't have any trouble getting dressed.
This would probably be more effective if you didn't descibe how he walked before saying it was just a blur of movement. We seem to be getting Holly's perspective in this section, so stick with it the whole way. Also it makes him more intimidating to the reader if we see him as fast and powerful, like Holly does.
I think we get a lot more of Holly's character in this part, which is good. She's being very brave and very stubborn. Possibly not all that sensible because her captors might retaliate by hurting her, but that just makes it all the braver.
This is the Zahra I'm expecting all the time. It confuses me when she does nice things.
OVERALL:
You're still doing a great job!
I think we're starting to get more of Holly's character, which is good because so far I've felt the most detached from her, and she's supposed to be the main character.
I don't think you rushed over her recovering. I think it was good how you started with her already recovered, and then reveal through her thoughts and plans that she's been slowly recovering but hasn't wanted to show it. It was a good way of dealing with it, I think.
Thanks for the pm, I've been waiting for this for ages! xD
I don't think it's slow moving at all, it's just building up the tension.
Well it does for me, I'm on the edge of my seat !
I can't wait for the next part, I'm dying to know what happens, and what the hell is happening anyway.. xD
Sorry I'm still no good at reviews. (H)
Can you pm me again when part seven is up?? Pretty please with cherries on top!
xD
xxxx
Thank-you for the PM. Chapter six ya!
Okay, it isn't slow moving. It's just the calm before the storm (does that sound right?). I noticed one spelling mistake...if I can find it.
Acomplice. That is spelt as accomplice.
And this Zahra chick is just creepy. Sorry I couldn't point anything else out. I'm such a loser, blah.
Overall, good job in showing how scared Holly was. How hard she tried to remain calm and not show her captors her fear. Yet you could have described how the dress looked. I know, it's difficult to desrcribe what a dress looks like. I have troubles too.
The suspense is great. I can't wait to see what they have planned for Holly. Ooh, I'm shaking in my chair (not really, sorry).
Well, can't wait to read more! Happy writing and good luck.
Yay! Part 6!
I would replace the "and" with a period for more punch.
I find the order of this section a little off. I would delete the "everything happened very quickly" and replace it with "in seconds Holly was...." ect. Then it's more logical. I would think when somebody's just fallen face down the first thing they feel is pain, then wonder what happened.
"To" is used a lot here, making things awkward. I would delete "started to" and fix the tense of "struggle" (adding a "d" onto the end to make it past tense) to get rid of that. It would look like so:
Holly ignored the offered arm and struggled to her feet on her own.
~~
Characters: I'm not quiet sure what to say about them. We don't gain a lot about their personalities like we did in the other parts, yet we do get some advancement in how they think. Like the way Holly is formulating how to escape and how Zahra likes to toy with her captives. I think both could be delved into a bit more, like expanding how Holly feels when Filo's hands are on her. Are they cold? Warm? Calloused? Smooth? Did his touch make Holly shiver? If so, how? It would give us more insight into Holly's character to find out how she's reacting to not only being restrained, but being restrained by somebody who doesn't seem to be human.
Description: You do a nice job with the earrings, but the dress's description left me drawing a blank. Is it queen like? Does it go to the floor? Are there any adornments somewhere on it, like an empire waist? Is the neckline meant to reveal or hide?
Creep factor: Even though it's nice to have a slower chapter, I miss some of the more chilling details from the other parts. You didn't really get into any sort of descriptive touches about the other characters, even though you have a lot of room for it since Holly is being touched by them. She went from wanting to shudder from Filo's breath on her face to being completely fine with him gripping her shoulders.
Overall: There was still enough to keep me reading, although I wasn't on the edge of my seat until the end, when Zahra said she wasn't patient. However, since you have made this so high-energy and downright creepy until now, were I reading this in one sitting I would appreciate the lower creep tone just for a break. ^_^
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Hey! Thanks for the PM! I couldn't find anything wrong, you had me enticed all the way through... I can't wait 'till the next part! Keep going. The only thing I might suggest is showing more feeling in the characters faces.
For example this ^.^ It isn't good to just tell us Zahara is 'smiling'. You could say how a grin twisted through her face, distorting the figures, and making her bony cheeks the most prominent feature. The chilling sight put a shiver down Holly's spine.
Any-who - That's all I could find. Keep writing!
*Gold Star*
Hey =]
Wow! You totally have me hooked =]
Zahra definitely gives me the creeps lol
I'm not very good at grammatic reviews but maybe you could try describing how scared Holly is in more detail - if i were in that situation, id definitely be freaking out!
Your style of writing is brilliant and i'm really able to picture whats happening in my mind.
Definitely talent here!
Gold star =]
xDudettex
Thanks for the PM, I didn't think this part was slow paced at all! Any who down to buisness.
"It felt like she had been frozen for days, the only sight available to her the strange boy opposite." I think there should be a "was" after "available to her"
"Time moved even slower still now that Holly had to concentrate on not shifting or twitching." I don't think you need "still"
Overall, another good one! Yay one of the first to review! Keep writing! (Can't wait to see what happens next!)
P.S. I'm not very good at grammatical reviews, sorry!