Night visitor next part

This part needs some work so any reviews would be very much appreciated! I know the story switches back and forth quite a bit but thats just for the beginning, once i get further into it hopefully it will flow better and run a bit smoother :D

He shrugged nonchalantly in answer as he walked away. Zahra looked after him as he left, a thoughtful frown puckering her parchment skin.

(End of part 2)

*

“1961- The building of the Berlin Wall. This came about because… Well, there was the Soviet Union and they…Ermm.”

Holly flicked back through the pages on her lap. “When am I ever going to learn this?” She muttered as she drew out the paper she was looking for and skimmed the information.

My mind is a sieve.

She breathed out heavily and pressed one hand to her throbbing temple.

Three days after the nighttime encounter, it had become nothing but a hazy dream to Holly. She had succeeded in sternly repressing it from her mind- with the aid of piled high coursework and looming deadlines.

Her body felt strangely rejuvenated- even better than it had before. No aches and pains plagued her. In fact, she felt unusually healthy ,if you disregarded the stress of homework. She had become convinced with the possibility of suffering from a twenty-four hour bug; all concerns of murderers and the supernatural ignored.

To be happily replaced with dates and countries I’ve never even heard of before.

There were only two things, minor annoyances, that managed to intrude on her calm.

Sleep, although easy enough to come, was not relaxing. She would sink into dreams; vivid, disturbing dreams, that if shaken off would only return the moment she closed her eyes. She’d wake repeatedly during the night- every couple of hours- by her own screaming. The bed clothes would be twisted as if she had been thrashing around; her pillows tossed on the floor- sometimes even ripped.

The dreams were always on the same subject; running away from some un-known threat that she couldn’t escape. Sometimes she was in a forest: not one commonly found in England, but a woods blanketed in snow with towering pines on all sides.

She’d run, the ice seeping through the thin soles of her shoes to freeze her toes . The trees would provide constant obstacles for her to weave and dodge around.

Always she would be sweeping her head back and forth, searching for that mysterious presence that was constantly behind her. She knew she had to get away from it and the urgency pushed her onwards deeper and deeper into the forest, the snow level rising to her knees so that she had to wade her way forwards.

The trees would whisper to her to carry on, that who she ran from was gaining on her. She’d hear no sound but would know that they were near, she’d continue as her heart pounded and her breath came in short gasps.

The dreams ending never changed. She’d come to a small clearing; she’d stumble to the middle; she’d fall. Holly would roll over to see a figure emerge from the trees. Her hunter would glide towards her and she’d scream…

Other times she would be in a crowded street, trying to push past blank faces but constantly being repelled back. Her dreams had taken her to dark alleyways, nightclubs and deserted parks. She’d be shown different variations of the same event repeatedly from when she lay down at night till when she rose in the morning.

Never could she remember her pursuer, nothing about them except the glittering green eyes that approached before she woke.

Still, these were only dreams. Make believe. She did not suffer the symptoms of sleep deprivation despite the nightmares and as soon as morning came the frightening images were pushed to the back of her mind. The second irritation was more disturbing.

Every time Holly looked up from her work quickly or glanced in the mirror she would see a face. Sometimes it would only be there a split second and then it would be gone, as if she had imagined it. But other times it would be just a moment longer, she’d blink and then there would be an empty space where sunken cheeks and sallow skin had been.

All she ever saw was the head, but that was enough to turn her stomach. He was thin, very thin, his skin had a yellow tinge to it and dark shadows beneath hollow, almost black, eyes. The face was that of an adolescent, a sickly, starved teenager. There was no plumpness or softness to his features and his head was shaven, emphasising the lumpy structure of his skull.

The vision was often accompanied by sounds of movement: a creak of floorboards, a brush of wind against her cheek. She could not help but speculate over the presence of this image that she kept glimpsing- even though out loud she told herself it was nothing but a hallucination.

Holly was determined to ignore every shiver that ran down her spine, every fearful thought. She had to focus, she had no time for childish fears.

Sitting cross-legged on her bed with sheets spread out before her, she chewed the end of her biro and frowned. She had read the same sentence three times now and still it washed over her, not one of the words registering.

Chocolate, that’s what I need.

Tossing her pen to one side, a smile lit her face at the very prospect of sugar. She had not left her house in days, containing herself to her room, the bathroom and the kitchen. Even a short trip down to the shop seemed exciting.

Holly shoved on a pair of trainers, ran a brush through her hair and yanked on her jacket simultaneously. Grabbing her wallet and keys off the side table she skipped down the stairs and out the door, locking it behind her.

Fresh air met her as she stood, inhaling deeply and turning her face up towards the clear blue sky. Despite the grey buildings and concrete that surrounded her, it felt good to be out in the open. After waiting a minute to feel the breeze and hear the sounds of the world no longer muted by walls, she walked down the few steps to the pavement. A grin spread across her face.

Stupid. To feel happy so suddenly for just walking a few feet from the house.

Her thoughts chided her but they could not dampen her delight in the outdoors, nor prevent the bounce in her step.

There were footsteps behind her.

Holly walked a little to one side, allowing whoever walked further back to overtake but they didn’t. Swivelling to look she stopped. Her joy swiftly evaporated.

There was no-one there.

Stop being silly.

She shook her head and continued forwards. She shouldn’t allow her imagination to take control.

Holly tried to focus once more on the sky, on the pleasant sensation of the wind on her cheeks. Still her ears strained, waiting for the sound of someone following.

Thump, thump, thump.

She couldn’t fail to hear the noise. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she quickly turned her head again.

No-one.

This time she peered closer, was there anywhere they could be hiding? There were several trees and bins that lined the street- surely they wouldn’t have had time to duck behind one.

She laughed nervously at herself.

“I’m such an idiot,” She muttered as she faced forwards again and walked on. The sky no longer looked so blue and clear, it was more steely and ominous clouds crowded the horizon. The breeze wasn’t refreshing, it was chilling. It pierced straight to her bones and stung her eyes.

Thump, thump, thump.

Her teeth clenched. She wasn’t going to turn around again. Maybe the noise wasn’t footsteps, perhaps the thumps were from some open shed door, being swung back and forth by the wind. It could be a branch smacking against a lamp post.

She tried hard to believe the excuses she came up with, but the noise sounded like nothing but feet thudding on the pavement.

She hummed tunelessly, keeping her pace steady though a part of her felt compelled to run down the street.

Thump, thump, thump.

They sounded nearer.

Holly focused on the bright yellow sign of the corner shop and allowed her legs to move a little faster.

She found her head looking back over her shoulder of its own accord. Her eyes met those of the lifeless teenager. His white protruding cheekbones, his vapid stare.

Her legs kicked into gear and she sprinted as fast as she could down the road.

She did not look back, she could not look back.

It was only once she had reached the safety of the shop, pulling open the door and closing it swiftly behind her that she allowed herself to peer through the glass. She rested her arm on the frame as she panted for breath, gazing out to see the empty street.

*

“She’s a match.” Zahra sounded triumphant, her face alight. “We’ll move on her tonight.”

Thanks for reading! :)

Comments & reviews · 8
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User avatar
WrittenSoul
Review

Once again, I really liked it!! Good job-and I was going to correct some things, but once again, I've been beaten to it! Haha. Anyway, I did notice a couple of things that caught my attention-and I don't think anyone else said anything about them so I figured I might as well say. :D This is what I noticed:

Her body felt strangely rejuvenated, even better than it had before. No aches and pains plagued her. In fact, she felt unusually healthy ,if you disregarded the stress of homework. She had become more and more convinced on the possibility of suffering from a twenty-four hour bug- all concerns on murderers and the supernatural ignored.

To be happily replaced with dates and countries I’ve never even heard of before.


Okay. I understand what you're saying, it's just a little confusing-though, I admit, it could just be me.

Instead of: [s]Her body felt strangely rejuvenated, even better than it had before.[/s] Try: Her body felt strangely rejuvenated-even better than it had before. No aches and pains plagued her. In fact, she felt unusually healthy ,if you disregarded the stress of homework. [s]She had become more and more convinced on the possibility of suffering from a twenty-four hour bug- all concerns on murderers and the supernatural ignored.

To be happily replaced with dates and countries I’ve never even heard of before.[/s] For some reason these last sentences didn't seem to flow right for me. Perhaps try something like: She had become convinced with the possibility of suffering from a twenty-four hour bug; all of her concerns about murderers and the supernatural were ignored.
Only to be replaced with dates and countries I've never even heard of before, she thought.


The only other thing I noticed was in this paragraph:

Sleep, although easy enough to come, was not relaxing. She would sink into dreams; vivid, disturbing dreams, that if shaken off would only return the moment she closed her eyes. She’d wake repeatedly during the night, every couple of hours, through her own scream. The bed clothes would be twisted as if she had been thrashing around, her pillows tossed on the floor, and sometimes even ripped.


I think the first two sentences are fine-it's when we get into the last two that something seems wrong. Something about the flow of it, I think, was what caught my attention. Maybe try:

[s]She’d wake repeatedly during the night, every couple of hours, through her own scream.[/s]Perhaps: She'd wake repeatedly during the night-every couple of hours-by her own screaming.<--"Through" just sounds awkward, and I think where you had commas it might be better with the dashes. The bed clothes would be twisted as if she had been thrashing around[s], her pillows tossed on the floor, and sometimes even ripped.[/s]Something about this last sentence also got me. Possibly-instead of your comma after "around" put a semicolon. Then you'd have, ;her pillows tossed on the ground. After that, I think you should put a dash, take out "and" like so: ;her pillows tossed on the gound-sometimes even ripped. I think that just makes it flow better. Then again, like I said before-it could just be me. :D


All in all, I think this was a pretty good chapter-I will defanitely be reading more! :D

~SOUL~

User avatar
Elelel
Review
Elelel wrote a review · Fri Jan 30, 2009 7:58 am

Haha ... I just wrote a review and then my computer went spaz. Very annoying.

But anyway!

If you're reading this before the review I did on the second part ... hello, my name is El, and I am here to review your work! Hopefully I will be helpful, although really I think most of my points have been said already (eg, footsteps going "thump" and the overuse of "she'd" in the dreams.

“I’m such an idiot.” She muttered as she faced forwards again and walked on.


"I'm such an idiot," she muttered as she faced forwards again and walked on.

The "he said, she said" tags are considered as part of the same sentence as the spoken bit. If you want a full stop there it would be ...

"I'm such an idiot." She faced forwards again and walked on.

I've only seen you use the wrong grammar for speech once, so I'm not sure if it was a one-time slip or if you have trouble with that rule (I used to! It was very confusing). Here's something by Snoink that explains it further: viewtopic.php?t=3746
If you're interested, take a look. That's how I learnt it.

GENERAL IMPRESSIONS:

I liked the being-followed bit. That was good. You have a real feel for suspense. It's keeping all us poor readers hooked, judging by how many people are reviewing and coming back for more! Well done.

On the other hand .... the suspense is keeping us hooked. At the moment that's all your story seems to be about. The suspense. I would like to learn a bit more about your character. Characters are very interesting, but all I really know about yours is that she's a good student (or at any rate wants to be, because she studies a lot), and has some nice friends who we haven't met (from the last part). There's not really a lot else I can say about her at this point. I'm not saying abandon suspense in favour of your character, you can have both!

And ... is this about vampires? Just so you know, I will be disappointed if it turns out to be a vampire story. However I'll still read it.

User avatar
anti-pop
Review

Hi, Pippie. Here to finally uphold your request. :)

Chocolate, that’s what I need.

That was a good line. It lightens the mood a bit by reminding us that she's still just a normal teenager.

I have no nit-picks for this whatsoever! I must say, I'm impressed. This still wasn't as exciting as the first, but it's getting much more interesting.
You noticeably eased off the description a bit in this chapter, which was kind of disappointing but fine all the same.
I can't wait to see what happens next! Keep me posted on this.


~anti-pop

User avatar
asxz
Review
asxz wrote a review · Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:56 am

OMGOMG!!! please, hurry up and write the next one! I cant wait! PM me !!!!
*gives third gold star*
you are so going to be a world renowned author one day, and I'll be your die hard fan!
Please, I'm captivated, continue fast!

PM me when you get the next part up!

Well as usual, someone has beaten me to the chase. I cannot see anything else to correct that hasn't been already. I like the style that you write with, but I think you might put a few more details in objects, there are plenty of descriptions of action, but it would be nice to know things like what are the state of her runners, worn out or new. What is Holly's room like? Little things like that, it would help the story seem more real.

User avatar
Nutty
Review
Nutty wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:01 pm

I've seen brackets in published books before.... *frowns* I didn't mind it. Though a comma would do just fine as well.

Anyway- I'm impressed. While I don't have a lot of background yet, nor do I know your character- it's drawn me in so far.

In fact, she felt unusually healthy (if you disregarded the stress of homework).

Disregarding the bracket thing, make of that what you will, you wouldn't look or feel healthy if you were missing sleep each night. (I should know, I stay up way too late LOL) You tend to be groggy, more susceptible to headaches, irritable, drowzy, and sometimes even dizzy. You also have dark rings beneath your eyes, and otherwise look rather trashed. (I should really get some sleep sometime, huh? lol)

Here's a suggestion- and it's just that, take it or leave it- Describe some of her background. The way someone lives, and especially what state they keep their room in, and the objects within it, can tell a lot about a person. This is a valuable tool on giving a little background information on your character without simply stating "She had quite a lot of money. She was messy." Instead you could describe the clothes on the floor, or lack of, the large television in her room, complete with DVD player and game console, or the fact it was the size of a walk-in wardrobe. This can let your reader feel they know her a little better, and can relate to the story.
She’d come to a small clearing; she’d stumble to the middle; she’d fall. She’d roll over to see a figure emerge from the trees.

She'd, she'd, she'd, she'd. I think you should at least cut out the last one. Patterns of three do actually work, and have some effect. The forth one, however, just makes it a tad overboard. Try rephrasing.
Her hunter would glide towards her and she’d scream…

Wait, there's another one. A whole paragraph of 'she'd's doesn't have the effect that it could, or what you're probably aiming for. Even replacing one with 'she would' would be better.


The face was that of an adolescent, a sickly, starved teenager.

It's shown he's sickly and starved, and telling us beforehand takes away the effect of the description, as we're expecting it, and already know. I think it's better if you remove it.
Thump, thump, thump.

Now this is being nit-picky, so ignore me if you wish- but feet on pavement don't thump. Thumping is a low, solid sound. Because concrete, or tile, or cobbles, are all solid, they don't thump like a drum. Feet more slap on it, or crunch, if there is stones underfoot.
There were several trees and bins that lined the street- surely they wouldn’t have had time to duck behind one though.

Get rid of the 'though'. It doesn't add to the idea, and is unnecessary. It detracts from the sentence, in my opinion.

But overall, I actually really enjoyed this. You've got me interested- now fill out the story, keep me hooked. Very well done, but be wary of the speed you're moving at. It's okay to relax and let the pace drop at times, and give more information. Some books are high-speed all the time- read Matthew Reilly, you'll see what I mean- but I think this story would benefit with a little more depth, a little more information about the character, and her life. But good job, I'm not the easiest person to get so interested so quickly. ^_^

If you have any questions, feel free to PM. I'll be happy to help.

-Nutty

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

To start off, let me say this has got to be one of the creepiest things I have ever read. It beats part 1.

In fact, she felt unusually healthy (if you disregarded the stress of homework).


Brackets should never show up in prose. Use commas to sperate this information instead. Or, in this case, you could seperate it by using a dash.

That's just about the only nit-pick I found, but to be honest I'm having a really hard time critiquing this. It's just so darn creepy!

The face in the mirror- It confuses me. We only know of one skelital person; a woman named Zahra. This character is completely unknown to us, or is he Joseph? If he is, then make it a little more obvious.

Overall- Totally, totally creeped out. I don't know whether to pat you on the back or run away screaming.

~Rosey

Random avatar
LydiaB
Review
LydiaB wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2009 7:19 pm

Okay... I guess I'll go first then...
Hi! I'm glad you got a third part up now, though you might want to consider naming your pieces in parts (part three, etc.) instead of as "next part", though it made me laugh :lol:
Oh, right! I should probably get to the review now...


This came about because… well there was the Soviet Union and they…Ermm.”

I think that the "well" should be capitalized and there should be a comma after it.

Three days after the night time encounter, it had become nothing but a hazy dream to Holly.

I think "night time" needs to be "nighttime".

No aches and pains plagued her, in fact she felt unusually healthy, (if you disregarded the stress of homework).

I think that you should place a period between "her" and "in" because a comma is needed between "fact" and "she". Also, I don't thing you need the comma after "healthy".

She had become more and more convinced on the possibility of suffering from a 24 hour bug- all concerns on murderers and the supernatural ignored.

Since 24 is less than 100, it needs to be spelled out as "twenty-four".

Sometimes she was in a forest: not one commonly found in England but a woods blanketed in snow with towering pines on all sides.

There should be a comma between "England" and "but".

She knew she had to get away from it and the urgency pushed her onwards; deeper and deeper into the forest, the snow level rising to her knees so that she had to wade her way forwards.

The semicolon is used improperly here because semicolons stand in the place of where a "," and "and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet" would be used, though I don't think any punctuation is needed between "onwards" and "deeper".

She’d come to a small clearing, she’d stumble to the middle, she’d fall.

This is actually an "SV;SV;SV." pattern. I'm not sure if it's necessary, though I think it might be, but you can change the commas into semicolons.

Sitting, cross legged on her bed with sheets spread out before her she chewed the end of her biro and frowned.

The comma after "sitting" isn't necessary and there is one needed between "her" and "she". "cross legged" should be "cross-legged".

Tossing her pen to one side, a smile lighted her face at the very prospect of sugar.

"lighted" should be "lit".

Grabbing her wallet and keys off the side she skipped down the stairs and out the door, locking it behind her.

You only said "side"... Do you mean "side-table"?

She tried hard to believe the excuses she came up with but the noise sounded like nothing but feet thudding on the pavement.

There should be a comma between "with" and "but".


Random thought: when I first heard the description of the boy who was following her, I immediately thought about a Jew in a concentration camp. I don't know why, but I did.


General notes:
I hate the ending O.O but that's only because I want to know what happens, lol
I don't have many general comments for this part except that I want to know a little more about what she's thinking, but in a kind of show-don't-tell way. In other words, how she reacts instead of just out-right saying her thoughts.

I loved this piece and can't wait until the next!
-Lydia



Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss