Night visitor continued

Thankyou for all the reviews I got on the begginning! :) I was really stuck on how to continue as it was one of those things that I just started writing without knowing where it was going. I came up with a whole plan for a story I had had in mind for a while (its quite long though) and this is the next part of the story. Sorry if it dosen't make too much sense at first (all will be explained in future) Any suggestions on improving would be much appreciated!

“Got you.”

*

Water.

Her throat was sandpaper, each rasping breath brought pain. Her eyelids were heavy, so very heavy. She could not peel them open no matter how hard she tried.

There was a noise, somewhere near. It sent pain zigzagging through her head and down her body. A voice?

She could hear nothing distinctly, she just couldn’t focus. Each particle of her body screamed for attention.

Water.

Her need to drink was overwhelming.

She tried to push her lips together, to form some sort of sound, but nothing came out.

The noise stopped.

Holly squeaked, as close to a scream as she could manage. Her head burned. Something was lifting her; pulling her upwards into a sitting position that her body resisted- her muscles straining and her bones creaking.

Sit up, come on, you’ll be fine in a minute.

What was that? A thought? No sound touched her ears, but the words clearly sounded inside her head.

She felt something lightly push against her lips. Liquid slowly crept into her mouth, over her swollen tongue and down her throbbing throat.

Ah! Sweet, sweet water.

It felt so unfamiliar to her, so alien to her parched state. Her consciousness leapt upon the single sensation and craved its flood.

More, More.

Every last drop was drank, but her body longed for further, her thirst only teased and nowhere near quenched.

After several agonising seconds, water surged into her once more. She could feel its passage as it moved through her organs, running to every cell within her that sucked the fluid up greedily.

The flow continued until she could hold no more, till she could feel the swish and slosh of it inside her and felt heavy from its weight. A satisfied feeling radiated from within and she found that her body was partially in her control once more, the pain no longer so shattering.

She allowed herself a few blissful moments before attempting to enter reality once more.

If I could just…

Cracking open one eye a hazy light swamped her. After a few seconds of adjustment she drew back the other to gaze about her.

It was her room. She was lying on her bed, fully clothed, and the duvet beneath her. A soft light filtered through her half drawn curtains to spill across her face.

Images, or rather feelings, flashed before her. A shiver ran down her spine and a cold, sickly feeling spread from her stomach.

What had happened?

She could remember nothing after that voice, that awful voice, had whispered in her ear. She had been inches away from escape and then her memories fell away.

Her eye caught upon her bedside table: a half empty jug of water and a mug stood upon it.

That wasn't there before...

She quickly scanned the room again, but there was nothing out of place. Hadn’t she heard a voice before? Hadn’t somebody- or something- held the mug to her lips? Hadn’t they sat her up?

She angled her body, slowly to prevent further pain, so that her back was to the wall. There was no-one here- but they must have been not long ago.

Holly raised her arm gingerly, testing its mobility, when she felt her hand brush against something: a piece of paper lying beside her.

Her eyes gazed down at the white sheet.

Three words swam before her eyes… they danced on the page as her vision tried to focus.

“See you soon.”

The writing was slanted and messy as if it had been scrawled fast, black ink spattered the corner of the page.

She felt a jab of fear. What was going on?

Holly closed her eyes; she didn’t understand. Logic just would not fit as much as she squeezed and pressed it into place. It was no use.

Think. Think. Should I ring the police?

Would they believe her? She could imagine herself speaking into the receiver:

“Yes, I was attacked. No I can’t give a description, it was dark. No nothings taken, they just put me to bed- waiting until I woke up to give me some water of course- then left.”

Even in her mind it sounded unreal, some nightmare or drunken illusion that she had taken for reality.

Could I call my Dad?

Her father was away, he wouldn’t get back until Thursday, and that was not for another five days. Could she really call him up when he was on his holiday and ask him to come home? He would of course, he’d book the next flight back to England without a moments hesitation, but she would rather suffer in silence than get her dad to leave his one week of relaxation since, well, forever.

She could ask Rosa or Charlie to stay at her house for a few days until her dad returned. They wouldn’t mind, but then how would she explain to them what had happened? They were good friends, they’d listen to her patiently and try to understand, but she could imagine the raised eyebrows and the carefully phrased queries that would follow. They’d tiptoe round her all week.

Mentally she shook herself. Ridiculous. She was acting stupidly, she didn’t need anyone to hold her hand. She was fine. She couldn’t explain what had occurred the previous night, so really it was just best to put it out of her mind; sweep it away to a dusty corner and forget about it.

Her decision made, Holly started the painful process of leaving her bed to run herself a bath.

She edged forwards till her ankles dangled off the side then gradually shifted her weight. Puffing slightly, she lowered her body to meet the ground and tilted herself into a standing position.

Her feet flinched from the cold wooden flooring and her legs wobbled slightly.

Not too bad.

Holly clutched the wall for support as she fumbled her way across her room and down the hall to the bathroom.

Catching a glimpse of her reflection, she stopped. She stared, confused. The strange girl opposite looked back at her, shocked.

Pale, drawn, almost ghostlike. She did not look well, perhaps that was it- a fever, she’d been ill and had imagined the whole event. But the note…

Forget it.

As she went to turn her head away from the mirror, her eyes locked on the front of her hair on the right side. She raised her hand to feel where her shoulder length brown locks had been hewn off- a significant chunk that had framed her face was clearly missing.

*

“Well?” His voice was harsh and impatience was clear in his tone - a peculiar contrast to his round, almost angelic face.

He glared, eyebrows pulled low over his deep chocolate eyes and shook his blond curls agitatedly. “Are you going to tell me or not?”

Zahra stood studying the small bundle of hair in her hand, one pale arm resting lightly on her jutting hip. She smiled, her skin pulling tight over the protruding bones of her cheeks.

“Patience Filo. You don’t really believe a mere glance can tell me what we need to know?” Her voice was melodic, the tone of a kind nursery teacher beloved by her students.

He huffed and crossed his arms tightly across his chest. “How long will it take then?”

Zahra deliberated, turning the parcel over in her palm with long sharpened nails. “A few days I should say- it’ll take some time to be sure.”

Filo growled and turned angrily from the skeletal woman. “I hate waiting.” He muttered beneath his breath, loud enough for his companion to hear.

“And you believe I don’t? I’m just as keen as you to find answers, so don’t pretend otherwise.”

Zahra’s tone had an edge to it that Filo was not ignorant to; despite her tranquil nature, she was not someone to be taken lightly.

He looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry. Its just, you know, I hate not being able to do anything. That job last night was the first action I’ve had in weeks- and she didn’t even put up much of a fight.” He paused, thinking back to the scuffle. “Pretty though, she’d make a nice host.”

Zahra laughed, a tinkling, musical sound. “I’m afraid that’s not quite how it works.”

Filo sighed. “Pity.” He turned to leave then halted, “who’s watching her until we know the results?”

“Joseph, why?”

He shrugged nonchalantly in answer as he walked away. Zahra looked after him as he left, a thoughtful frown puckering her parchment skin.

Thanks for reading sorry its so long :D

Comments & reviews · 12
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muffy
Review
muffy wrote a review · Mon Mar 02, 2009 4:41 pm

This is amazing:D, i really love the amount of detail in every scene. You have a great style of writing. I want to finish this!!argh! It seems to me that you have plenty of critique so, I don't know what more i could contribute until I see something not mentioned. Keep it up!

Random avatar
ZakkuAlpha
Review

Ooh, the story gets more suspenseful. I loved how you continued the story, boy it's creepy and I enjoyed reading it. I like how you made the character tell herself that none of it happened. I think the other reviews covered the critique and I have nothing to add. Good work :)

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ridersofdamar
Comment

for some reason this screams vampires, even though i am probably very far from the mark... i did catch that little bit about a "host" ^^

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SheepMonoxide
Comment

I love this new chapter !!! What's going on, I have no idea. But it is awesome. :D BEYOND awesome.
I'm gonna become slightly obsessed with this...
^^

User avatar
Elelel
Review
Elelel wrote a review · Fri Jan 30, 2009 6:40 am

Hello! I'm El! I will now review your work ... although I don't really have much to say. Sorry about that in advance.

I did read your first bit, but I couldn't really think of much in the way of advice, so I came to this one instead. As other people have said, I thought you did an excellent job with the suspence and tension. Well done! But moving on ...

Water.

Her throat was sandpaper, each rasping breath brought pain. Her eyelids were heavy, so very heavy. She could not peel them open no matter how hard she tried.


She's a vampire, isn't she? That's what happened in the first bit. A vampire hunted her and caught her and now she's a vampire. Is she a vampire? Please not a vampire. Please? You're did such a wonderful job on that first bit. That's worth more than another vampire story.

(if she's not a vampire, and your story has nothing to do with vampires, disregard my begging)

On the whole I liked how nothing much seems to have come of the first bit. It's a bit like an anti-climax, but in a good way. You built up the tension ... and now you're releasing it. But not completely. Because we know something happened, and we know that something is wrong. So yeah. Good work.

He glared, eyebrows pulled low over his deep chocolate eyes and shook his blond curls agitatedly. “Are you going to tell me or not?!”


I think this would have more impact if you just used a question mark, and not the '!?' thing. Also, while agitatedly is a word, it's not a very attractive word. Well, I suppose that's my personal opinion. So it's up to you. But I think it's a clumsy word.

He looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry. Its just, you know, I hate not being able to do anything. That job last night was the first action I’ve experienced in weeks- and she didn’t even put up much of a fight to make it interesting.” He paused, thinking back to the scuffle. “Pretty though, she’d make a nice host.”


"That job last night was the first action I've experienced in weeks- and she didn't even put up much of a fight to make it interesting" seemed ... wrong. I don't think "experienced" fit in that sentence. And the second part seemed to finished at "put up much of a fight" and then just kept going with "to make it interesting". I think you might need to rearrange it, break it up, or change a few words. Eg:

"That job last night was the first bit of action I've had in weeks -- and she didn't even put up much of a fight. It wasn't interesting."

Or something. I don't know, I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Also ... a "nice" host? I'm sure you've heard that nice isn't a powerful word. Meh to that. It can be perfect, if it's in the right place. The thing is, I was confused whether this meant "a pleasant host" or "the perfect host". If you see what I mean. Or does Filo really mean she'll be "an attractive host"?

You describe Zahra's voice a lot.

Her voice was melodic, the tone of a kind nursery teacher beloved by her students.

Zahra’s sweet voice had an edge to it that Filo was not ignorant to; despite her tranquil nature, she was not someone to be taken lightly.

Zahra laughed, a tinkling, musical sound.


I don't know if you need that much description on it. It's quite a lot for a scene that short. Just think about it.

Anyway! Good job so far! I must away to the third part ...

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Bloo
Review
Bloo wrote a review · Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:51 pm

well as always the others beat me to the grammar so i will say my likes and dislikes.
Likes-
very descriptive
it was intriguing and mysterious
kept me into it

Dislikes-
a few grammatical errors that the others caught already and said but nothing else

*gives a star, and goes to the next installment*

User avatar
asxz
Review
asxz wrote a review · Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:46 am

Cool, I want more... gimmegimmegimme, I'll read the next part now, but just so you know, that was amazing! i can't really see it being a chapter though... i think everything is happening to fats, but the story wouldn't sound right being filled with descriptions!!! WELL DONE, I cant write a long review, because I'm so eagre to get onto the next one.
*gives another gold star*

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anti-pop
Review

I was really stuck on how to continue as it was one of those things that I just started writing without knowing where it was going. I came up with a whole plan for a story I had had in mind for a while..

lol I do the same thing.

Anyways. Onto the requested review! *rolls up sleeves*

Each fibre of her body screamed for attention.

You know, on one of the very first works I posted up here, a critique of mine made the comment: "Whoever started all of this 'fiber' and 'ounce' business should be put to the dogs." I have to say, that I completely agree. Your description was wonderful until this. I wouldn't worry too much about it though--it's just me being picky.


After serveral agonising seconds, water surged into her once more. She could feel its passage as it moved through her organs, running to every cell within her that sucked the fluid up greedily like a sponge.

Again, your description is nearly flawless, but even I, a huge fan of description, have to say that this is a bit much. By now, readers understand that she's thirsty. It won't hurt to tone this down a bit. (And the second word should be 'several'.) :)


What had happened?

It would be better off without this line.


Zahra’s sweet voice had an edge to it that Filo was not ignorant to; despite her tranquil nature, she was not someone to be taken lightly.

This line is amazing! Absolutely perfect.

This ending wasn't as suspenseful as the first part, but that's okay. You have to move the plot along eventually!
I like the introduction of the new characters, however, I think it was a bit too vague for my taste. I like to know where I am when I'm getting into a story, but I will admit it does make them more mysterious.

That is all. :D


~anti-pop

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writingmouse_13
Comment

I love the new chapter! I have absolutely no clue what's going on, but that's ok. I think it's important that you have this mystery element in the story, most people's eye's should be glued to the screen!

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LydiaB
Review
LydiaB wrote a review · Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:18 am

Hey, it's me again :D Even fewer errors now *cheers* but remember that these are just suggestions, mmkay?


Water

There is a missing period.

She could make nothing out distinctly, she just couldn’t focus, each fibre of her body screamed for attention.

The first part of this sentence just seems a bit awkward. Maybe something like "she couldn't make out anything distinct" or something to that effect.
Both commas make this sentence a comma splice. Either add a bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet), adjust them to fit together properly or make separate sentences.

She tried to push her lips together, to form some sort of sound but nothing came out.

There should be a comma between "sound" and "but".

No sound touched her ears but the words clearly sounded inside her head.

There should be a comma between "ears" and "but" because otherwise it's a fused sentence.

After agonising seconds water surged into her once more.

You should probably put "several" before "agonizing" and you need a comma between "seconds" and "water" because otherwise it's a fused sentence.

She could feel its passage as it moved through her organs, running to every cell she owned that sucked the fluid up greedily like a sponge.

"every cell she owned" seems to me to be a little awkward... Maybe something more like "every cell in her body" would sound better?

If she could just…

Maybe, because I'm just assuming this is her thoughts, it should say "I" instead of "she"?

Her eye caught upon her bedside table; a half empty jug of water and a mug were stood upon it.

A bonysaf wouldn't fit in there comfortably with a comma, so I don't think a semicolon is appropriate for how the sentence is written currently.
"were stood" isn't proper and should either be "were standing" or just "stood".

She quickly scanned the room again but there was nothing out of place, hadn’t she heard a voice before?

There should be a comma between "again" and "but" and the comma between "place" and "hadn't" makes this sentence a comma splice. You should either put in a "but" after the comma or make it into a new sentence.

Hadn’t somebody- or something- held the mug to her lips, hadn’t they sat her up?

This is a comma splice. You should either use a bonysaf or make the second half into a new sentence.

There was no-one here- but they’re must have been not long ago.

"they're" should just be "they".

Holly raised her arm gingerly, testing its mobility, when she felt her hand brush against something; a piece of paper lying beside her.

The semicolon isn't used properly here because it couldn't be easily replaced with a bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet) and a comma.

The writing was scrawled fast, black ink spattered the corner of the page.

This sentence is confusing to me. Does the writing look as though it was written quickly and therefore appears sloppy?

Think. Think. Should she ring the police?

Since this is probably a thought, it should be "I" instead of "she".

She could call her Dad?

It should probably be in first person since this is her thoughts, and it wouldn't need a question mark since it isn't a question.

Her father was away, he wouldn’t get back until Thursday and that was not for another five days.

There should be an "and" after the comma in this sentence and there should be a comma between "Thursday" and "and".

He would of course, he’d book the next flight back to England without a moments hesitation, but she would rather suffer in silence then get her dad to leave his one week of relaxation since, well, forever.

There should be a comma between "would" and "of" and I think you should put the rest in a separate sentence.
The "then" in this sentence should be a "than".

They were good friends, they’d listen to her patiently and try to understand but she could imagine the raised eyebrows and the carefully phrased queries that would follow.

There should be a comma between "understand" and "but".

She couldn’t explain what had occurred the previous night so really it was just best to put it out of her mind; sweep it away to a dusty corner and forget about it.

There should be a comma between "night" and "so".

Catching a glimpse of her reflection she stopped.

There should be a comma between "reflection" and "she".

As she went to turn her head away from the mirror her eyes locked on the front of her hair on the right side.

There should be a comma between "mirror" and "her".

His voice was harsh and impatience was clear in his tone - a peculiar contrast to his round, almost angelic, face.

There is a misplaced comma between "angelic" and "face".

She smiled; her skin pulling tight over the protruding bones of her cheeks.

The semicolon should be replaced with a comma.

I’m just as keen as you to find answers so don’t pretend otherwise.”

There should be a comma between "answers" and "so".

Zahra’s sweet voice had an edge to it that Filo was ignorant to; despite her tranquil nature she was not someone to be taken lightly.

There should be a comma between "nature" and "she".


Am I getting worse? If I am, I apologize.
Now for some more general notes:
I like how it first starts out with her waking up and discovering her hair is gone and then flashing back to what happened.
You do a good job of keeping your reader interested, even if it is against their will, lol. Keep it up!
One thing I would like to see more of, however, is her feelings about things that are going on. Not necessarily more thoughts, just how different things make her feel differently and such.


I liked this section, too, and can't wait for you to write more!
~Lydia

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Rosendorn
Review

I can't believe I'm still the only reviewer of this piece! Some new stuff:

She angled her body (slowly to prevent further pain) so that her back was to the wall. There was no-one here- but they’re must have been not long ago.


I really dislike seeing brackets in a novel, be it in dialogue or prose. Replace the brackets with commas.

He turned to leave then halted, “who’s watching her?”

“Joseph, why?”

He shrugged nonchalantly in answer as he walked away. Zahra looked after him as he left, a thoughtful frown puckering her parchment skin.


I love the rearrangement, but when you did that these lines became a little out of place. Perhaps if she showed Joseph coming back after she's woken up instead of having Filo ask who's watching it?

Atmosphere- Much better. Can't really comment on it.

Dialogue tags- The same note as before. Put the action on the same line as the dialogue. Not all "dialogue paragraphs" need to start with dialogue!

Some thoughts aren't italisized. Watch for that.

Overall- I like what you've done with the edits. Just those two little nit-picks and the dialogue are what stuck out to me. Let me know when more is up!

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Rosendorn
Review

Ba-ack!

“Well?” His voice was harsh and impatience clear in his tone - a peculiar contrast to his round, almost angelic, face.


Put "was" after "impatience.

As he glared, eyebrows pulled low over his deep chocolate eyes, he tossed his blond curls agitatedly.


I'd break this up at the second comma and make the first part able to stand alone. Also, the second part really feels like something a girl would do.

The young boy huffed and crossed his arms tightly across his chest.


"The young boy" is vague. Since we don't have an age to this guy yet, it's better to nix this description and put in proper names. I simply wouldn't use it, but that's up to you.

Her eyelids were heavy, so very heavy and she could not peel them open no matter how hard she tried.


I'd delete the "and" and replace it with a period. It would add more punch.

It sent shooting pains zigzagging through her head and down her body.


I find this description rather long. It looses it's effect.

Pain, Pain, oh Pain!!


I have to ask, why did you put this in? I thought the voice was causing her pain. Shouldn't her pain stop if the voice stopped? Also, one exclamation mark please.

Holly squeaked, as close to a scream as she could manage, as her head burned.


Replace the second comma as with a period.

Something was lifting her; pulling her upwards into a sitting position that her body resisted- her aching muscles stretching and her creaking bones bending.


I like the description after the dash, but this feels a little long. Rework it for more punch.[/color]

What was that? A thought? No sound touched her ears yet the words clearly sounded inside her head.


Either put a comma in front of the "yet" or replace it with a period. I'd put a period.

The object was held to her once more refilled to surge into her. She could feel its passage as it moved through her organs, running to every cell she owned that sucked the delicious water up greedily like a sponge.


Beautiful description, but it's missing an anticeedent. What is "it"? And the first line confused me.

Her eye caught upon her bedside table; a half empty jug of water and a mug were stood upon it- that was strange.


I think "That was strange" should either be in italics or nixed. Perhaps replace it with "it hadn't been there before"?

Holly raised her arm gingerly, testing its mobility, when she felt her hand brush against something; a piece of paper.


Where did her hand brush against the paper?

Holly shuffled across her room and her arms clutched the wall for support as she fumbled her way down the hall to the bathroom.


Adjective overload. "Shuffled" and "fumbled" are the main culprites. They cancel each other out.

Catching a glimpse of her reflection she stood a few moments to stare at the strange girl looking back at her.


Rework this so it's broken up more. Long sentences for startling information never do it for me.

On the way you've split it up- I'd put the bit with the "visitors" in after the scene where she's gotten up. I got really confused. Also, I hadn't realized she'd blacked out. The transition from each part was rather sharp.

The Visitors- I'm going to call them that until farther notice. I'm curious about them, but I'd like more description of the "skelital woman." Who is she?

Dialogue tags- You put them on different lines then the dialogue. Lines like so:

As he glared, eyebrows pulled low over his deep chocolate eyes, he tossed his blond curls agitatedly.

“Are you going to tell me or not?!”


I'd rather see like so:

As he glared, eyebrows pulled low over his deep chocolate eyes, he tossed his blond curls agitatedly. “Are you going to tell me or not?!”


Makes it less confusing.

Overall- Unfortunately you have lost the chilling factor of part 1, but most of the description makes up for it. I do find you use rather long sentences and a lot of ajectives which can take away from any panic that's built up.

Hope I helped!



Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain