Night Visitor part 5

I need to work on this part more so any comments would be great! :D

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit- but she couldn’t. And the darkness was closing in…

End of part 4

*

“Is she awake?”

Joseph nodded and stood up from his chair in the centre of the sparsely furnished room. “It would seem so.”

“The pills still working though? She hasn’t moved has she?”

Joseph shook his head. “Nothing except the eyes. Its quite eerie- they follow your every step.” His voice was quiet- barely louder than a whisper- but then Filo had never heard Joseph's voice reach above a murmur.

“Well, I’ll take over now anyway. Have you given her anything to drink?”

“Not yet.”

“I’d better do that then.” Filo walked over to a side table in the corner of the room and began pouring water into a glass. He glanced over his shoulder to see Joseph hesitating in the doorway. “You can go.”

“Thanks.” Joseph gave a half smile before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Filo stepped slower than usual as he made his way over to where the girl was propped up in a large dark green armchair. Her gaze never left his face.

“Hello there.”

She looked like a rag doll; her arms hung lifelessly at her sides, palms facing upwards and her head tilted forwards slightly so that she had to look up through her eyelashes to see him. The image was almost comical.

“Comfy?”

Once he reached her, he knelt down on the stone flooring to look her full in the face. He searched her expression curiously.

She’s definitely still drugged.

He grinned and drew the glass up to her lips, his other hand pulling her head back so he could tip the water into her mouth.

“This seem at all familiar to you? I don’t suppose you remember me- after all, it was dark.”

The silent stare was his only reply, but he continued.

“I told you I’d see you soon, only three days. I’ve got to say, I did kind of hope you’d be the right girl.” Some droplets of liquid ran down over her chin; he brushed them off with a flick of his slender hand. “This is all for a greater cause you know, you should feel privileged.”

There was silence for a few moments as he allowed the water to slowly creep into her mouth. “I’m sure you feel a bit terrified right now. It’s a shame you can’t express it; I find fear quite thrilling.“ He pulled the glass away and set it down beside him. Filo sighed. “I’m no good at quiet. I’ll be a lot happier when this wears off,” he made a vague gesture to her limp body, “and you’ll be able to react properly.”

He absent mindedly swept a few brown strands from her eyes and tucked them behind her ears. Her Pupils followed the action as her body remained frozen. Not even a flinch.

“Do you want to know what all this is about? I suppose you do." Filo rocked back onto his heels and stood up in one swift movement. He circled round so he stood behind the girls chair and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “If I tell you, you can’t tell anyone.” He laughed softly. “Of course that would be impossible anyway.”

Filo paused, tapping a steady beat on the stone with his foot. When he spoke again his voice had a feverish quality to it. “Oh, you’ll be great. You’ll lead everyone to power. You see, you will know something, something very important, that will allow all of us to rise into the limelight. It’s a shame really that you won’t be around to see it happen. Well, you will be around in a sense, but not consciously.” He chuckled, “I bet you don’t understand a word I’m saying.”

Three sharp knocks echoed around the room shortly followed by the click of the door opening, Filo looked up, “Zahra, come to inspect the prisoner?”

Zahra’s tall, thin figure glided towards him; her deep violet dress swishing against the floor. She smiled in return; a wide, chilling smile that held no warmth. “She’s awake then.”

“Yes, not a twitch though. When’s the ceremony planned for?”

“Tomorrow night. Preparations are being made.” She bent over and raised the girls chin with two white fingers. Her large dark eyes scrutinized the girls hazel ones. “We’ll have you all ready by then.” Zahra murmured, her voice almost purring in content.

Filo coughed, “How long is it before she can move?”

Zahra straightened up and turned to face him. “Only two hours or so- and I don’t want you harming her. She’s to be left unmarked; we don’t want to displease our new arrival when she gets here by offering her a body beaten and scarred.” Her laugh sounded soft yet unpleasant. “You wouldn’t want to be around for her reaction.”

Filo frowned, disgruntled. “I wasn’t going to leave signs, I can be careful.”

“I don’t want to take the chance, not just for your sake, but for mine. I’m not willing to allow your clumsiness to drag me down too." Zahra’s eyes flashed and Filo looked aside in submission.

Zahra gave a last fleeting glance at the listless girl slumped in the arm chair, “I’ll come back when your able,” then turned and swept from the room, leaving only a light breeze in her wake.

*

I’m a prisoner. I’m a captive within my own body.

Holly couldn’t run- she couldn’t even scream. She could do nothing but lie, paralysed, in a strange room with people who were unlikely to have the best intentions.

There’s no escape and I can’t even cry.

It was like watching through a mirror, helpless to all that was happening on the other side. She could see the faces of corpses that lent down to her, that touched her and spoke in her ear. It was a nightmare she could not wake from.

Holly could see she was in a bare room, a chair and a table were the only other features except for her own seat. Hard slabs of granite paved the floor and walls, there were no windows from her line of sight, only one lamp ensconced in the wall.

A cell, a cell where people are left to rot.

When she’d woken up she’d recognised the ghastly face of her stalker instantly. Her heart had stopped and her stomach flipped- yet her body remained unmoved. Her eyes had stayed focused on his hunched figure opposite her, her eyes boring into his face.

When he had noticed her he’d seemed uncomfortable, fidgety. He’d paced the room and cleared his throat, shooting her guarded looks every few seconds. It was almost as if he were scared of her.

Holly had encouraged his discomfort, tracing his movements with unblinking eyes. She’d felt a small victory inwardly that her kidnapper could feel fear because of her, even if it was only slight.

The other one had called him ‘Jospeh‘.

For some reason that had shocked her, how could such an ordinary name belong to him?

She knew instantly that the second boy was the one from that first awful night. He’d written the note, fed her water and then returned to drug and kidnap her. It was so peculiar to see his appearance- there was something about his voice, the gruff uncaring tone against his youthful features. Each word he spoke seemed wrong when coming from from his cherub lips and every evil expression was out of place upon his beautifully smooth skin.

He had given her answers. Answers that she could not make sense of- that were nonsense to her ears. She locked them away in her mind, memorisizing every word in hope they would be useful later on. She would lead them to power? She knew something? It was all vague and rambling.

And that woman…

If Holly could have shuddered she would. It was as if someone had painted her features onto a skull.

Evil.

It was not just her appearance but the way she moved: so… unnaturally smooth, and her sickly sweet voice. Her expressions seemed so sinister; she was like a fairytale witch made real. Zahra- that’s what the boy had called her- even the name sounded wicked.

And she’d be back for her- ‘when she was able’. The very thought filled Holly with dread.

Now the boyish one sat watching her. He had drawn a chair up close to hers; resting his chin in his hands with his elbows propped up on his knees. She felt increasingly uneasy but was incapable of pulling away- she could practically feel his breath on her cheek.

All there was left to do was wait; wait for her body to be under her own control; wait for Zahra to return and wait for the ceremony tomorrow night that she would be ’all ready for’.

*

Thanks for reading! I'm sorry there isn't much action, I'll try to include more in the next one :)

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Elelel
Review
Elelel wrote a review · Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:26 am

Hello! I'm sorry it's taken me this long to get back to this. I was up to here I think ... I'll go through and get all the parts I haven't seen yet.

Joseph shook his head. “Nothing except the eyes. Its quite eerie- they follow your every step.” His voice was quiet- barely louder than a whisper- but then Filo had never heard Josephs voice reach above a murmur.


I liked the idea of Joseph, the creepy stalker guy, suggesting something else is eerie. Nice little touch of irony. But "Josephs" needs an apostrophe, as in "Filo had never heard Joesph's voice", beceause the voice belongs to Joseph (as opposed to the "s" indicating there are plural Josephs in the room).

She’s definetly still drugged.


(EDIT: Oh! "definetly" should be spelled as "definitely")

I have to say, sometimes the thoughts of the characters throw me out a bit. Often you seem to make points with thoughts that are already clear to me. Like this, for example. I've already figured out she's still drugged. It's the only time you use his thoughts in this part as well, so I'm a little confused about why you chose to throw that in there. It just seems unecessary. Maybe it's not a problem for most people though.

Also, character-wise, this part played through without us really figuring out what is supposed to happen to Holly. Filo tells her some information, but the information isn't very useful. She hasn't sussed it out. He seems to be toying with her rather than explaning things. I like that. I think letting us into Filo's head so openly takes away from that whole idea. I mean, the part is sort of from his point of view (in a third person way), but without the thought it's mainly what he sees and how he reacts. I think if you're going to dive deep enough to include his thoughts, you either need to have something new and interesting going on in them (either revealing things about his character or about the plot. Character is preferable), or cut them out altogehter.

I’ve got to say I did kind of hope you’d be the right girl.


"I've got to say, I did kind of hope you'd be the right girl"

“I’m no good at quiet. I’ll be a lot happier when this wears off,” He made a vague gesture to her limp body, “and you’ll be able to react properly.”


Since you end the first bit of dialogue with a comma, the "He" doesn't need to be capitalised.

Filo paused, tapping a steady beat on the stone with his foot. When he spoke again his voice had a feverish quality to it. “Oh, you’ll be great. You’ll lead everyone to power. You see, you will know something, something very important, that will allow all of us to rise into the limelight. It’s a shame really that you won’t be around to see it happen. Well, you will be around in a sense, but not consciously.” He chuckled, “I bet you don’t understand a word I’m saying.”


Have you ever seen The Incredibles? If you haven't it's about superheros. They have this great joke. I love it. The idea is that when a bad guy captures a good guy and has the good guy all tied up, he starts "monologuing". That is, he has a completely one sided conversation detailing all, or part of, his epic scheme. This time spent monologuing often allows the good guys to get away, but not always.

Anyway. This part is basically Filo monologuing to his prisoner. Which isn't a bad thing. It isn't. I'm sure a diabolical mind would, in real life, really enjoy a good monologue to a helpless prisoner. Probably it's a great stress relief. But then my mind isn't very diabolic, so I can't say for certain.

The thing is that it's a bit cliched. Not only that, but really it's a bit stupid of the bad guys. When you think about it.

“Oh, you’ll be great. You’ll lead everyone to power. You see, you will know something, something very important, that will allow all of us to rise into the limelight. It’s a shame really that you won’t be around to see it happen. Well, you will be around in a sense, but not consciously.”


However, you do get across some of Filo's motivation for all this. Which is a good thing. Also, "Limelight" is an intriguing choice of words, as it refers to fame rather than power. Interesting motivation for bad guys in fantasy.

“Tomorrow night, preparations are being made.”


This sentence is confusing. As it is, it reads as "tomorrow night we will make preparations for the ceremony", but I think you mean "the ceremony is tomorrow night. We are making preparations now". To fix this you can simply change the comma to a full stop.

Filo frowned, disgruntled. “I wasn’t going to leave signs, I can be careful.”


... wow, really? I know he was toying with her, but I wouldn't have expected him to start hurting her for fun. It just ... didn't seem like it was going to go that way. Finding out he did want to hurt her shocked me a little.

I’m a prisoner. I’m a captive within my own body.


See, the thoughts in this bit are different. You need them because she's paralysed and there isn't any other way to get across what she's thinking/planning. So that's ok. I have no problem with the thoughts in this section.

Each word he spoke seemed wrong when spoken from his cherub lips and every evil expression was out of place upon his beautifully smooth skin.


Good idea, awkwardly phrased. First, you've got some repetition going with the "spoke" and then "spoken". The "spoken" could easily be "coming from" or something. Something needs to be changed at any rate.

Next ... I don't like "every evil expression". Alliteration can be very powerful, but it falls flat here because it is very obvious and because the individual words are weak. "Evil", for instance, isn't a good choice. It sounds very weak used like that. What does an evil expression actually look like? Like this: :twisted: ? Because it's really the red eyes and devil horns that make that expression evil. :evil: I mean, this is also evil (angry evil as oppose to manic evil). Evil is very vague, and I can't think of a single expression that is solely evil. Emotions are what is really conveyed through expressions.

I mean ... I get what you're trying to do. He's really beautiful so all the bad things he does/says seem out of place. I just think you just need to reword it.

If Holly could have shuddered she would. It was as if someone had painted her features onto a skull.

Evil.

It was not just her appearance but the way she moved: so… unnaturally smooth, and her sickly sweet voice. Her expressions seemed so sinister; she was like a fairytale witch made real. Zahra- that’s what the boy had called her- even the name sounded wicked.


This is a much more awesome description of evilness. Very awesome in fact. Any character painted as pure evil can be problematic, not only because of the cliche-factor but also just because it's unrealistic. We don't know a lof about Zahra's motivation or state of mind, so it's important not to fall into the trap of making her EVIL (in capitals) and only that. This description plays off the cliche of evil, and thus it works to dispell that idea. Good stuff.

OVERALL:

Good job. Things are happening. You've set things up and now they're playing out.

It's ok that it doesn't have lots of physical action in it. One of the great secrets of writing is that physical action isn't as interesting as most people think it is. Conflict is where the interest in your story should be coming from. Conflict is your characters having a problem and trying to solve it. The problem doesn't have to be physical in nature, it can be a problem with another character, it can be a problem with themselves. If your characters are trying to solve their problems, then you have action!

I think the main thing I would work on is telling us more about the characters. Not necessarily about them physically though. I think the character I have the clearest idea of at the moment is actually Joseph. There's a lot you can tell about him from how he interacts with Filo and Holly. It's interesting how he is unerved by her. It's not that you're doing a bad job getting across the characters of the others, but it could be happening more. Especially Holly. I don't feel like I know much about her at all.

But! It's going well. You've creeped a lot of people out and have got a few people to keep up with the story. Well done.

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writingmouse_13
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Like everyone else has been saying, very creepy... I'm starting to think this is a ghost story, but so far your writing has suprised me! I really don't know what's coming next! Thanks for the PM! Can't wait to read more!!

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MeadowLark
Review

This was pretty creepy. This whole story has been creepy since the first posting. It's also so very interesting and I'm hooked. I'm curious to know what happens next. It's okay to have a boring chapter every once in awhile. If it was always action packed then it wouldn't seem real. Life isn't always filled with action and I don't believe that should change in stories. Well, keep up the good work and please PM me when you post some more up. I tend to forget which stories I've begun to read.

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asxz
Review
asxz wrote a review · Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:51 am

Hi Pippiedooda, thanks for the PM!

“Well I’ll take over now anyway. Have you given her anything to drink?”

There should be a comma after "Well"

* * *

Once he reached her he knelt down on the stone flooring to look her full in the face.

There shoud be a comma after the first "her"

* * *

“Do you want to know what all this is about? I suppose you do.“

LOL. :lol: you have the last speech mark the wrong way around... that's easy to fix!

* * *

“Ofcourse that would be impossible anyway.”

Missed a space here...

* * *

“Oh you’ll be great.

Comma after "Oh"

* * *

“I don’t want to take the chance, not just for your sake, but for mine. I’m not willing to allow your clumsiness to drag me down too.“

Same mistake as before, the speech mark is the wrong way.

* * *

And no, it's fine to have a chapter with no action, this is much more chilling in another way. It is good to have a boring chapter, as snoink would say... boring is good! Keep writing, I can't wait for the next part!

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Rosendorn
Review

Oh my gosh this is just plain old creepy.

Hmm, lets see what I can nit-pick. This is pretty good.


Some droplets of liquid ran down over her chin and he brushed them off with a flick of his slender hand.


I'd replace "and" with a semicolon.

He asked.


This tag is redundant, since we know it's Filo speaking.

Zahra straightened up and turned around to face him.


I don't find "around" is needed here. In fact, I find it a bit confusing.

Naturally Holly had encouraged his discomfort, tracing his movements with unblinking eyes.


I tend not to like words such as "naturally" in prose. They lean towards telling, and I find it doesn't work well in third person. Also without it, we get a bigger window into Holly's personality.

And she’d be back for her- ‘when she was able’. The very thought filled her with dread.


Your pronoun/antecedent relationship is a little fuzzy here. Mostly it's the "her" after "filled"; you could stand to replace "her" with "Holly."

He had drawn a chair up close to hers and rested his chin in his hands with his elbows propped up on his knees.


You could break this up at the "and" to make it a little easier to understand.

~

Okay-- gah this was creepy.

Zahra: You never really showed us that she moved unnaturally. From that description I found her to be rather elegant with a disturbing factor to her voice. Or is it her elegance that disturbs Holly? If so, put that in somewhere.

That's really all I noticed; everything else is really good.

Keep it up! And if you have any questions, let me know.

~Rosey

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SheepMonoxide
Review

This is so freaking awesome.
I'm hooked !!
I cant think of anything wrong with it, but that may be because I'm not very good at reviews. :P
Please tell me when the next one is up, again ! xD
x x x



We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway