menacing creeping
malevolent malice
calcified creature
uncaring and callous
lurking deceptive
ostensibly benign
subversive subnormal
seemingly supine*
equated with slugs
and with puppy-dogs' tails
there is no escaping
the horror of snails
*supine: inactive, passive, or inert, especially from indolence or indifference.
...........................................
The last verse is weak, I know. Any ideas for that, or anything, would be very much appreciated.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Thanks guys! Haha, fist I have no punctuation and HarryPotterRocks wants some, then I put it in and Karzkin wants it out.
I'll try to find a balance.
@Karzkin:
su·pine
[adj. soo-pahyn; n. soo-pahyn]
adjective
1.lying on the back, face or front upward.
2.inactive, passive, or inert, especially from indolence or indifference.
3.(of the hand) having the palm upward.
I intended it to have the second meaning.
Overall it was a pretty decent summary of a snail from a creepy point of view(as in you see the snail as creepy, not that your point of view is creepy XD ) I especially liked this line,
Not sure why, but the Calcified creature bit just seemed so cleaver to me, and malice and callous rhymed so perfectly together it was almost inspiring. I was sitting here trying to figure out if this poem was funny or clever and just ended up being both, so good work and definitely keep writing!
Oh Em, this is great
I seem to recall you mentioning your fear of snails to me once, ages ago. While I can appreciate that this piece doesn't capture the depth of your feelings on this subject, it is a creative and quirky way to approach it.
This is particularly powerful. It is an impressive illustration of the slithery, slippery, sneaky snails (hehFirst, the good stuff.
-Solid stylistic approach; good meter and rhyme throughout.
-Good vocab. I especially liked "callous". It really conveys the (perceived) apathy and willful ignorance of a snail
-Admirable alliteration.
-Good twist ending. As you are no doubt aware, I'm a big fan of the surprise twist. I enjoyed this one immensely
Now, the bad stuff.
-Punctuation. At first I noticed that there should probably be a comma at the end of the third line of the first stanza, and possibly one at the end of the first line of the third stanza (although this one is a little more of a grammatical grey area). But upon the second reading, I couldn't help but notice how much punctuation there is. You've bombarded me with commas and stops. While it is all technically correct, it becomes draining to read. Usually I'm not at all a fan of 'interpretive' punctuation, but I'm thinking that maybe you can manage it here. I would tentatively recommend removing all punctuation, or including the barest minimum (for example, a comma at the end of line 2, a semi-colon at the end of line 8, and a stop at the end of the piece).
-Some questionable word choices, and confusing juxtapositions. Mostly in the middle stanza:
As for the last stanza, it is fine as it is. An interesting idea, linking the horror of snails with the horror of little boys (a la the other 'ingredients'). You could, however, make it a little grittier and edgier. Perhaps something like this:
"Knees go weak
And complexion pales
There is no escaping
The horror of snails."
Or perhaps this:
"I try to find courage
But terror prevails (Or 'terror assails')
There is no escaping
The horror of snails."
Or even this:
"Terrified shrieks
And blood-curdling wails
There is no escaping
The horror of snails."
I really enjoyed this Em, and it's an interesting new direction for you. As always, PM of Facebook me
Ed.
Ummm... I don't want to be mean but seriously snails? That's what you're scared of? Or is it just supposed to be funny so that's why you wrote it? You had me going for a while thinking of something really creepy. But then I read the last verse and it seemed a little....... silly. Sorry about that. Now, for my nitpicks. Try adding a little punctuation, why don't you? Like so:
You should work on your punctuation but the words you used are really good. I think the way you wrote only two words in each sentence in the first two stanzas is really good. The flow of this poem is also really nice. Your last verse isn't weak in the least. It's very good. And one more thing, if you're afraid of snails, it's okay to be. I'm afraid of darkness so we're pretty much at the same level. Overall, good job and keep writing!
~HPR~