z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I think I loved you

by PickledChrissy


Bitter days erode the surface of my soul,

But I must go on.

Lonely hours spent in empty dreams,

Dream that never were and never can be.

.

I will not forget you, but it hurts to remember,

You, and know that it is only you.

But life is pain,

This is only my first taste of it.

.

Blue eyes, weathered skin,

The steadfast will that carries you safely through life,

Beaten hands, coated with cuts and still angry scars,

That is how I remember you.

.

I remember you from the back seat of the car,

Closer, I never could get.

I remember you turning to look at me,

The moment when our eyes met in a laughing smile.

.

One moment, one instant, one shared experience.

I cannot recall why you smile,

I only know you smiled and I smiled back.

And we shared that moment.

.

An useless year, it bore no fruit,

But I learned to know you.

Our hands touched, I felt your rough palm pressed against mine,

Only once, in a cordial handshake, but I ask for no more.

.

You never loved me, I don’t know if I love you.

But this I do know,

I miss you, and wish to see you again.

But what right have I to that wish?

.

You almost died, your family came to you,

And she came.

I stayed behind, what right did I have to come?

My place was not with you.

.

To home I still belong,

To the family I cannot leave.

But you left, and fear has taken your place.

I won’t see you again.

.

What is left to bring you back?

Nothing you would want to have.

What awaits you if you come?

A little girl.

.

Dust and ashes cover my thoughts,

Melancholy nothings that consume my heart.

One thing would he see, if he spared the time to look at me.

A little girl.

.

I am the one from the backseat,

The girl that was silent.

I have dared to dream, and the wildness killed me.

It was too much.

.

But remember, before you despise me,

I watched you alone.

Remember the blue eyes that would fix solely on you,

And know that I miss you.

.

I think I’ve learned to love you.

And you weren’t even there when I did.

I don’t ask for anything in return,

Only remember me.

.

Every now and then,

Spare a thought for the lonely heart that dreamed.

Use an extra moment or two,

Wish me well.

.

Just remember,

I think I loved you. 

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193 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:42 am
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herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
i'd like to start by complimenting your ability to create a melancholy tone. The story of the loss of something that never quite happened is something i know i can relate to well, and i think your tone did a good job expressing that story.
i have one big bit of advice for you, and then maybe a few more measly little bits of things for later, we'll see. What i advise you to work on within this poem is showing and not telling. i'm sure your familiar with this concept, of describing emotions ior thoughts nstead of just stating them. i think you could do that in many places throughout this poem, which would increase the depth and overall "poetic quality" of the poem. For example, the first thing that jumped out at me were the first two lines:

Bitter days erode the surface of my soul,

But I must go on.

The second line is what could really be adjusted here. Instead of directly saying that the character feels they "must go on", perhaps change the line so it simply states their action, saying "yet I go on". This is just a very similar statement which essentially says the same thing, but allows the reader to puzzle out how the character is feeling instead of directly stating it.
Another stanza that i think could use a little attention was this one:
You never loved me, I don’t know if I love you.

But this I do know,

I miss you, and wish to see you again.

But what right have I to that wish?

Throughout this stanza, you directly tell the reader the character's thoughts and emotions. Now, this part is a little harder to work with, but i recommend adding some metaphors or other figurative language to help get your ideas across. This would help deepen the poem and pull the reader in more. If you would like more advice of examples on how to do this, please contact me, but if you already have ideas, or if you really just don't care, i don't want to bore you by adding them here. i understand these may seem nit-picky or difficult, but i think they will help deepen your poetry.
i think that's all i really had to say regarding this piece. Sorry if any of this seemed rude! Keep working! You're doing wonderfully!
herbgirl






Thanks, herbgirl! I never liked the very beginning, never could get it to sound quite right. However, your suggestion improves it a great deal. Thanks you!



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49 Reviews

Points: 61
Reviews: 49

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Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:38 am
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EKK15 wrote a review...



Hi!

This poem hit me hard...in a good way I think. It reminded me of someone who didn't even acknowledge me as a worthy human being. I feel like you approached this topic of unrequited love in a really emotional way. You have some very strong imagery. I think your best lines are

"Blue eyes, weathered skin,

The steadfast will that carries you safely through life,

Beaten hands, coated with cuts and still angry scars,

That is how I remember you."

I love the way you describe this person. The way you portray them is so realistic and it only took you 4 lines!

The way you ended the poem was amazing. It was so simple but summed up everything you felt and I just love it. Your work is truly beautiful, and the language you use is elegant. Keep writing with your heart, not just your head, and you'll create so many more beautiful pieces of artwork!

-E




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8 Reviews

Points: 469
Reviews: 8

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Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:24 am
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wolfgang87 wrote a review...



This is a very deep poem. I can feel the emotion and enjoyed losing myself in words. I do, however, have some thoughts.
-In the first paragraph in the last line, "Dream that never were and never can be."
I suggest:
"Dreams that never were and never can be."
Or:
"A dream that never was and never can be."
Good motive for the poem. You could move many hearts with this.





When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio