Young Writers Society

Wow! I was definitely not expecting this to go from bombs to embroidery - but I kind of liked the reveal that the characters were sitting and embroidering something together. You had great usage of rhyme throughout that really propelled the poem along from line to line without things feeling forced.

One area that could be improved - > I thought the places where One word was randomly capitalized outside of line beginnings / sentence beginnings looked a bit odd and broke up the poem a bit.

I would change "Rainy and Soft" -> to "Rainy and soft"

And I would change "You turn your face to the storm / eyes closed, Calm, Serene" to "You turn your face to the storm; eyes closed - calm, serene"

The final image of facing a storm and scattering bird seed is a very soft and interesting one - I liked it.

I'm wondering if any of the poem was meant to have war-time allusions with the reference of bombs/ bomb-shelters - if the rain was really rain, or the lighting really lighting or just a way they were imagining to feel less scared and managing their time in midst of chaos. I'm not sure if that is an interpretation you were going for but I think it's one that could either be leaned it more, or maybe that bomb line at the beginning might be swapped out for a gentler image to not nudge readers there.

Your imagery throughout is also good and overall I liked your word choice - though I did notice you used "shelter" twice in such a short poem.

I hope you keep on writing! Thanks for sharing your work!

alliyah

Hi, I just wanted to come on here and review this amazing poem!
First of all, from the very first line, this poem caught my attention. I love how you immediately jump in and show us the narrator’s relationship with the person they’re talking about. We immediately know that the narrator cares about this person, because they want to shelter them.
There are some things I would change to make this even better, however you do not have to take this advice.
As century mentioned, “rainy and soft” seems a bit short compared to the other lines. To make it fit with the rhythm, you could add a bit to the beginning.
Also, I was very intrigue by the slashes you added. I wish we could have seen more of that, it really fit with your writing style.
Overall, this is an amazing piece and I can’t wait to see more!
<3, Meenal (theromanticchemist)

what should i make? a bird or a tree?
a bomb that shelters both you and me?

the day's the same as it was
rainy and soft

you turn your face to the storm / eyes closed, calm, serene
and scatter birdseed in our barren windowsill

as if lightning was as warm as the sun