What should I make? A bird or a tree?
A bomb that shelters both you and me?
A wall that shatters the vase on the shelf
The ugly one, the one you bought for yourself?
The day’s same as it was
Rainy and Soft
The sky has the same filthy grey moss
Growing over its bark like that tree,
The one that sheltered the seller, you, me
And the coins that you held flashed blindingly white
Just like the lightning that shatters the night
I sit by the window, staring at you
The cloth in my hand, the needle goes through
And, as if lightning was warm as the sun,
As if all good can be done through just one,
You turn your face to the storm / eyes closed, Calm, Serene
And scatter birdseed on our barren windowsill.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Wow! I was definitely not expecting this to go from bombs to embroidery - but I kind of liked the reveal that the characters were sitting and embroidering something together. You had great usage of rhyme throughout that really propelled the poem along from line to line without things feeling forced.
Thanks for sharing your work!
One area that could be improved - > I thought the places where One word was randomly capitalized outside of line beginnings / sentence beginnings looked a bit odd and broke up the poem a bit.
I would change "Rainy and Soft" -> to "Rainy and soft"
And I would change "You turn your face to the storm / eyes closed, Calm, Serene" to "You turn your face to the storm; eyes closed - calm, serene"
The final image of facing a storm and scattering bird seed is a very soft and interesting one - I liked it.
I'm wondering if any of the poem was meant to have war-time allusions with the reference of bombs/ bomb-shelters - if the rain was really rain, or the lighting really lighting or just a way they were imagining to feel less scared and managing their time in midst of chaos. I'm not sure if that is an interpretation you were going for but I think it's one that could either be leaned it more, or maybe that bomb line at the beginning might be swapped out for a gentler image to not nudge readers there.
Your imagery throughout is also good and overall I liked your word choice - though I did notice you used "shelter" twice in such a short poem.
I hope you keep on writing!
alliyah
Hi, I just wanted to come on here and review this amazing poem!
First of all, from the very first line, this poem caught my attention. I love how you immediately jump in and show us the narrator’s relationship with the person they’re talking about. We immediately know that the narrator cares about this person, because they want to shelter them.
There are some things I would change to make this even better, however you do not have to take this advice.
As century mentioned, “rainy and soft” seems a bit short compared to the other lines. To make it fit with the rhythm, you could add a bit to the beginning.
Also, I was very intrigue by the slashes you added. I wish we could have seen more of that, it really fit with your writing style.
Overall, this is an amazing piece and I can’t wait to see more!
<3, Meenal (theromanticchemist)
Hello, Physarumulycephalum! century here to review this wonderful work using the melancholia induced by my lack of self method! Let's dive in.
first impressions
okay, so immediately saw the rhyme scheme you set up, which i love. rhyming poetry can be really fun id you play your cards right! and this is no exception to that :3
!! my mind immediately jumped to origami- cranes and such. i was a tad confused about "shelter" but i think it's also kind of beautiful in this situation. something that destroys to protect, protecting the destroyed, in a way.
the idea of the day being "soft" as opposed to "sharp" or "hard" is something really interesting you could play around with.
such beautiful imagery! looking to the barren world, but in a way thay makes it feel beautiful! genius. i was a tad confused about the use of a slash here. just because there were no slashes before, it felt kind of jarring, if that makes sense.
compliments
as i said, this poem is beautiful. i love the vivid imagery you painted, especially near the end with
ugh, that was like the cherry on top. you really have a way with words.
critiques/room for improvement
i think i only have two things you maybe could improve on:
1) if you want to use the slashes, keep it up from the beginning i.e "What should I make? A bird/tree?" or "A bird/A tree?"
2) the shortness of "rainy and soft" kind of breaks the flow you had going. maybe combine it with the line before it?
final notes
i loved this poem, and i'm excited to read more of your works! don't stop writing.
~century~