z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

I, Siberian Salt Reserves

by Physarumpolycephalum


I, Siberian Salt Reserves

There are days when the dark in my piñata chest

Bursts out like paper confetti

And rains on my garden in coal-coloured flakes

Sleep in my eyes, always at dawn

§

The dawn of the night is the dawn of the day

The dawn of day’s thought in this large human brain

And whenever I pick these flakes from faded grass

I wonder about that spreading green

§

There’s dues on gardens that grow too big

Whether or not they’re darkened with coal

And grass can be beautiful and lush and thick

But it burns – oh, it burns.

§

You too have that piñata, that coal, and that grass

That will burn and burn at the smallest of sparks

So, Tell me,

Why is there a candle on my windowsill?

And why 

is there a matchstick 

in my hand?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 531
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sat Feb 10, 2024 5:32 pm
1TryingBird says...



Hey, nice poem, I am always one for the shorts. And this is one short review.

Stanza 1:
The poem starts with a punch, likening the speaker's emotions to a piñata bursting with darkness. You can almost feel the weight of it as it spills out like confetti, scattering chaos over the speaker's inner garden. It's a raw depiction of emotional turmoil and vulnerability.

Stanza 2:
As the dawn breaks, both literally and metaphorically, the speaker ponders the cyclical nature of beginnings. There's a sense of wonder in picking through the remnants of night, contemplating the mysteries of life and growth as they emerge with the new day.

Stanza 3:
The poem delves into the consequences of growth and expansion, using the metaphor of a garden. It's lush and vibrant, but also susceptible to burning—a reminder of the risks inherent in opening oneself up to the world and its complexities.

Last Stanza:
The final stanza is like a flickering candle in the darkness, juxtaposing the vulnerability of the human soul with the potential for illumination or destruction. It leaves you hanging, pondering the delicate balance between light and shadow, and the profound mysteries of the human experience.

I like the entire poem overall, because it feels like a journey that's both haunting and beautiful, offering glimpses into the depths of the human soul.




User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 531
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sat Feb 10, 2024 5:32 pm
1TryingBird wrote a review...



Hey, nice poem, I am always one for the shorts. And this is one short review.

Stanza 1:
The poem starts with a punch, likening the speaker's emotions to a piñata bursting with darkness. You can almost feel the weight of it as it spills out like confetti, scattering chaos over the speaker's inner garden. It's a raw depiction of emotional turmoil and vulnerability.

Stanza 2:
As the dawn breaks, both literally and metaphorically, the speaker ponders the cyclical nature of beginnings. There's a sense of wonder in picking through the remnants of night, contemplating the mysteries of life and growth as they emerge with the new day.

Stanza 3:
The poem delves into the consequences of growth and expansion, using the metaphor of a garden. It's lush and vibrant, but also susceptible to burning—a reminder of the risks inherent in opening oneself up to the world and its complexities.

Last Stanza:
The final stanza is like a flickering candle in the darkness, juxtaposing the vulnerability of the human soul with the potential for illumination or destruction. It leaves you hanging, pondering the delicate balance between light and shadow, and the profound mysteries of the human experience.

I like the entire poem overall, because it feels like a journey that's both haunting and beautiful, offering glimpses into the depths of the human soul.




User avatar
92 Reviews

Points: 8944
Reviews: 92

Donate
Sat Feb 10, 2024 4:46 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

Pleasure to meet you! I am Raven, and I'd like to review this poem using my Familiar method today! It's inspired by the YWS'mores method, but with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

This poem felt complex, with a lot of fascinating imagery to sort through and contemplate as I read. I get some grim feelings from its underlying message, which in itself feels mysterious and elusive, and I believe there are a lot of ways to interpret the lines themselves. Perfect for a lyrical poem, as the genre promises. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I couldn't spy any glaring errors. I mean, grammatically and consistently speaking, with this line...

So, Tell me,


"Tell" wouldn't need to be capitalized, so I would recommend making it lowercase, but that's an extremely minor thing.

I would also say, I'm a little confused by the title, as it seems jarringly different from the themes within the poem itself, but I'm not one to judge titles very harshly. Especially when it comes to personal poetry.

Of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative by it either ~

Why The Grin Widened...

The narration was smooth and easy to follow, and as I said toward the beginning, the imagery was fascinating, and so was the potential symbolism! I like that you use a pinata -something traditionally beaten open- to be the vessel for the darkness and the coal, bursting out to spread that inkiness. Accordingly, this line...

And rains on my garden in coal-coloured flakes


Provided a great picture that I really enjoyed.

And of course, the stanza at the end, how we all have these elements vulnerable to "the smallest of sparks," and the mention of a matchstick gives me chills. Great choice of words.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, great poem! Nicely done! :)

Image




User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 367
Reviews: 7

Donate
Wed Feb 07, 2024 12:47 pm
View Likes
R33SES wrote a review...



Image


Hello fellow mortal! Sojourner Reese here for a review!
I take my reviews very seriously, but that doesn't mean you should. I am, as you are, just another aspiring artist seeking to create life from pen and paper, and everything I have to say is a matter of opinion, so please use my review as insight. This is also not an editorial, I don't like to nitpick specifics, but rather provide my honest, but perhaps biased, reviewal of your wonderful work!

Image


FIRST IMPRESSION'S A KILLER:
- a general overview of my impression taken from your work -

Image

Spoiler! :
WOW FACTOR:
- what immediately stands out when reading this piece -

I must say, some Edgar Allen Poe $%#@ going on here! Something I very much love! Poetry in the form cryptically crafted proverbs is by far one of the most beautiful, in my opinion, and there certainly is no lack of enigma here!
Image

HOT OR COLD:
- is there too much or too little of anything -

The general sense is strong but not overbearing throughout. Unlike much thought provoking form, which tends to delve far too deeply into a concept (this I am guilty over every time I put pen to paper, I swear), this piece blends a detailed image with a rather basic, yet stirring theme. Personally I feel it was crafted very well indeed.
Image


PROSE IT LIKE A PRO:
- a look at the writing style, grammar, rhetoric and verbiage -

Image

Spoiler! :
DEVIL'S IN THE DETAILS:
- how consistent and connected is the prose -

Two scaled imagery twisting not one, not two, but three separate ideas together into one cohesive thought can be tricky, especially within only a few stanzas of poetic form. Consistency and comprehension is, of course, the key factor here, and I feel it has been done well, merging a burning, confetti filled pinata, the visual of a garden now aflame from these embers, and the less proverbial nature of what the "garden" may represent. Much is still left up to the reader for interpretation, but the path we follow is simple, yet striking.

But, one small criticism I have that continued to surface is the overuse of conjunctions, interjections, etc. "And," "there" "the" etc. Important, yes, but when used as the main form of beginning and tying sentences together, it becomes redundant and marring to the otherwise beautiful chemistry that are the following phrases. I would like to see less of these, and more word-play to create a stronger ebb and flow to these sentences.
Image

SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME:
- is the choice of words and grammar effective at delivering a vision, rather than just words -

Firstly, brilliant choice of words for much of this piece. Lacking in robust language, we're instead given unadorned power terms. Those first two lines,
[qoute]here are days when the dark in my piñata chest
Bursts out like paper confetti[/quote] Rigidly delightful!

Sadly, though, there is a lack of continuation here, as the piece starts out grunting and barking, but quickly fades into a more passive expression of things. Near the end, where the description of "burn" is only described with, well..."burn and burn" again, I find myself losing some sense of aggressive attachment. This is a simple fix, unless for some reason these specific words must be used. Oftentimes our friend Mr. The "Rex" Saurus is all it takes to spin a few recurring words or phrases into something more vibrantly emotive.
Image


STEPPING THROUGH THE PORTAL:
- notes on the completion and believability of the piece -

Image

Spoiler! :
WHEN PIGS FLY:
- is the information/story creditable -

Generally I have little to say in this area towards poems or songs, unless they speak of historical topics or the likes.
Image

DON'T LOOK SO MONOCHROME:
- how vibrant and rich is the picture being painted -

And here, my mortal friend, is where I must bring my hands together in praise as the true shining feature of this piece is the featured abstract. A pinata? Confetti? Burning down into a garden, lighting grass aflame? I can say without a doubt that this is the first time such an image has ever crossed my mind, and it remains acutely obtuse while I attempt to figure out what exactly I'm seeing, but at the same time, do not reject it for any reason.

Thinking on it, I begin to love the picture more as I'm witnessing an explosion of what should be childish fun, yet somehow is turning to ruin as the body becomes the target, whatever weapon chosen is now the victor and no longer the victim, and the sweet sensations of raining party favors divulges into an ashen craze trying to stomp out these dangerous little papers, but there frankly will be too many to catch in time and the garden is sure to burn....

Well done!
Image


UNEARTHING THE TRUE FORM:
- an insight into the impact your work creates on my mind and my emotions as I seek meaning and purpose in the words -

Image

Spoiler! :
IMPACT IN 3...2...1....:
- was I impacted in any way by this piece -

I cannot say for sure. I find myself attracted to this specific piece for what it seems to hold, yet the connection to self and to person is still aloof purely for lack of knowledge. Not knowing what it is the narrator wishes me to see, but knowledge of what it is I'm seeing. Like an impressionistic painting, I can stand to the side and revel in the skilled strokes and blots, yet the more I try to focus on the details, the more they seem out of focus.

This is not to say good or bad at this point, because art is art. Generally if it garners my attention and I become fixated on learning it more, it's "good" in my book, though.
Image

WHISPERED TRUTHS BETTER THAN SUNG LIES:
- did I find any subtle or hidden messages that caused me to think beyond -

Ahh, perhaps my favorite part of the whole thing, the miniature mic drop at the end.
Most would see a question there, the narrator seeking some agreement or approval for whatever actions they allude to. But me, personally, I see a rhetorical statement. We know why the candle and the matchstick are there. We always know. It creates a stimulating thought process of sorts, or what our modern day would call an "intrusive thought." I love this, because I love thinking the unthinkable, playing out the "what if" scenarios of life, finding out where it takes me, and I very much appreciate writing like this that can build a uniquely safe place to do so!
Image


CLIP IT!

You'll be whacking away at your internal voice when you read "I, Siberian Salt Reserves" and play "catch me if you can" trying to hunt down all those little flaming thoughts. A skillfully crafted abstract piece that is sure to get you wondering "Why is there a candle on my windowsill? And why is there a matchstick in my hand?"

To light, or not to light, that is the question?

-R33SE


I hope you find my review helpful and uplifting. Again, please remember this is all my own opinion, so whether for compliment or criticism it's simply a window into my experience as I read. If you have any questions, clarifications or just want to chat about your work/the review, please feel free to reply or message me!!


always your muse
- R33SE
Image


...





A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare