Do you ever feel emptiness upon leaving the house in the morning,
every, single,
morning?
*
What is the meaning behind the weight on my shoulders,
the feeling of a part of myself still in bed.
The anxiety that something is-
wrong?
*
Who knew emptiness could weigh a TON?
(I had to use * to separate stanzas!)
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello there!!
So... this is pretty interesting.
It kind of has two sides to it.
I don't know if this was how it was meant, but it is how I interpreted it.
It seems like its kind of talking about depression, or something similar to it, and why do you feel so low for seemingly no reason.
But on the other hand, it does it in a sort of non-depressing way.
Like, it brings up the subject, and asks why, but it does't make you want to cry after you read it, because it's so sad.
If you wouldn't mind, I would love for you to let me know, how you intended it to be.
Maybe, your purpose for writing it? and what you were thinking while you wrote it or what you meant by. How you wanted other people to interpret it.
Either way, I think this is pretty good.
Keep up the good work!
Hello,
Well, I can easily say I like the emotion behind this. A feeling of nothing and an emptiness being an unbearable weight.
But I don't know if it was the wording that threw me off or the odd sentence structure. Also, maybe it is not even so much that but the break in your sentence "...that something is - something is wrong..."
I was confused between seeing this as a personal narrative, like someone is talking to me about feeling this, or it just being the style you chose.
Either way, it wasn't enjoyable.
Hey you,
.
Well, apart from the grammar critique the other review did, I have to say the structure -meaning, the length of each line- could be a little more "symmetric", as in not having lines too much longer than the rest because it makes reading kind of "not poetic enough".
I do like the way you did the first strophe or at least the meaning and emphasis behind it.
Good luck and keep on writing the way you do
Hey Tiny here!
I really know how you feel, if this is a personal poem. I recently have been through a breakup with my long time boyfriend and the emptiness is hell, so I feel ya dude.
Okay now to the review part...
This should be in two different sentences. The part after "myself still in bed," should end a period, there for making the next "the" capitalized. Also instead of a dash, maybe use a coma.
I really liked this poem, you truly feel how you/the character could feel.
Keep writing
P.S. you can separate the stanzas by pressing shift enter when you starts a new one.
Okay, I'll remember the stanza thing! Thanks for the review!