The true suicide story

Hey. Holographic Ladybug here for a short review.

This is super sad. Really. I find stories like these really moving in a sad kind of way. They really make you slow down and think about life and other people.
You actually tell this story really well. I can't really see any choppy/uncomfortable sentences that could possibly mess this up, so that's good. The structure doesn't kill the mood at all, which I'm feeling as somber.

The only problems I have with this are the overuse of exclamation marks. Remember how I said that this feels somber? Yeah, the exclamation marks kind of kill the mood. It really brings a dash of excitement to this, which is probably what it should not be at all. What's more is that they lose their value if you use them too much. I don't really see any place where you could actually put them, so removing them would really work. However, if you really have your heart set on exclamation marks, you can do one, but that's really pushing it. Like I said, exclamation marks don't really do this service.

Another thing that I found that you could do to improve this is include more detail. Make this seem more like a story rather than a summary of someone's life. In some ways, it comes across (to me, at least) as kind of passive. This seems more like a kind of piece where you want to be assertive or to tell us what is happening. What I mean is that you should probably slow this down a little more and have it more story-esque. (I'm just suggesting here) Narrate this a bit. Make your story 'live in the moment'. It gives this more depth and, in turn, we could very well feel more of the severity of the situation.

Overall, very good. I really liked the way you wrote this as it shows that you have very great talent for the art of writing. If you have any questions at all, do not hesitate for even a moment to ask me.

All the best,
~Holographic Ladybug

That had to have been the longest review ever xD

❤︎Heya Perf, xJ here to review!❤︎

Firstly, the title. I feel It's better to capitalize all letters in a title. Aaaaand now to the story!
Let's take this paragraph by paragraph.

First Paragraph: I feel you should use different words than "Used to be," It kind of makes the beginning sound weak. Or maybe that's just me xD. "She had good grades and great teachers and loved school." ---> "She had good grades, great teachers, and took a liking to the school." Would sound a bit better. And "he never said to the little girl he was leaving," This should go before "He never said goodbye." Also: " After the father left, the girl was sad, always," ---> "Ever since her father left she was depressed." And: “freak” no one wanted..." Put an "and" between "freak" and "no." Overall, nice introduction.

Second Paragraph: Alright, first sentence is good. "slipped” she fell far" Put a period after "slipped." Another thing: "This was all in 4th grade!" Should be towards the beginning of the paragraph and re-worded. And: "Then in 5th grade she attempted to OD herself" Don't use acronyms, because people may not know what this actually means (It means: Overdose, for other reviewers).

Third paragraph: "So she told her best friend but she did not like him." I'm a bit confused with this sentence because I thought she did like him...? Also: "No one was there for her nobody cared." Take the "nobody cared" off, It is not needed.

Fourth Paragraph: "She had a best friend who also liked him, but that was after she liked him." Use names, this confuses me a bit xD. Using two she's in one sentence is not wise because we don't know who is who. And same thing with this: "She told her friend that she liked him, and she knew that she liked him." And this: " Then one day her friend walked by and said something, he ignored this girl and started talking to the other person instead." Said something? Be more specific. And this: "she OD again." ---> "She overdosed again."

Overall I think this story was okay. It does have a good meaning, but you should've proof read before you submitted it. You are my friend, and this may be a bit harsh, but I'm really just trying to help best I can. But, I do like the story, you just made some mistakes. If you ever need any more reviews, I'm here for you. ^.^

May your travels through space and time be merry,

-xJ ❤︎

This is so sad. Her father shouldn't have just left like that. It's ripped a hole in her heart and it looks like she's been trying to fill it ever since.

Is there anybody, preferably a trusted adult that she can talk to? Maybe if she could get some help for this, things would be better?

Anyway, best wishes! Thanks for being a good friend to her.

Hey! Honestly I really liked this. It reminded me a lot of my best friend. She would sit with me during longs nights and tell me how she wasn't going to make it past 16. She is very well now and is so much better but it got me to remember some of the bad times in my life which is good and bad. Makes me know that life has ups and downs and it will all get better.

Which leaves me to pounder the thought that did this girl get better? Did she succeed in her attempts? And does she know you posted this because I know if I told my friends story without her permission she would be super pissed. But I would like to know more about this girl.

But all around this is a review and I do have a concern or two. although the story line was well I got confused a couple of times during this. The writing it's self was a little messy and for future attempts maybe try to make everything a little cleaner.

Now I am not trying to be rude so please don't see this as that but I think people benefit from criticism so please take it as so. Over all I liked this and it made me remember so good job on your part.

Ava... Tell me who is this girl does she go to our school... "In 6th grade things started to look up for her! She had a friend who she had met on the bus to school. He was so nice to her, and she was a brat towards him in return. He had a crush on her friend and she for some reason felt like they should date! So she told her best friend but she did not like him. Then sadly things fell apart, she was once again a freak! No one was there for her nobody cared." sorry to copy that whole part but i don't understand this it seems to not fit quite together well... did the boy make her popular or something.

"She felt alone in this world, and she felt as if death was even to good for her. To this day, if you see her, you will see the depression and sorrow, and loneliness in her eyes. She sits there plotting her own fool proof way to death." Now this part i love it because its showing she doesn't feel like a kid like the rest of them she wants to die because she's alone.

.................................I wonder what her death plot will be will she stab herself,drown,overdose,please tell me what will happen becauseeee it's like tempting me to bug you at school also and you know I will!

"Then in 5th grade she attempted to OD herself as she had seen her mother do earlier in her life only 3 years before. Once again she failed at suicide, and she hated herself for it." I'm not meaning to sound slow or anything but what does OD mean... So the point of this was because of her father leaving or was it because no one wanted to be her friend anymore because I don't understand that part! why did her father leave well most fathers do that but!!! -_-
Keep it up this is amazing see you at school
~Chanta~

Hey PerfectWeapon!

So I was reviewing another piece of literary when I read your review, where you kind of directed me to your work. Anyways, I found it interesting because of the title (obviously) and I think it was worth it.

Okay, the first question that came to my mind after reading your story was " How did you know this girl?". Well I must say I found your story quite unique and moving.

For nitpicking, I would like you to be careful to avoid redundancy. This could lead the reader's mind to wander. (last paragraph) Try and avoid ambiguity, keep straight to the point and you could add few extra pounds to your piece of literary. The flow of ideas is always the most important factor in all cases.

Overall, I LOVED your story and am hoping to read a few more from you. A bit more polishing and nothing can stop you from being a wonderful author.

By the way would really like to meet the girl.

That's all and Good Luck for future works........

Hey there.

I really enjoy the concept of this piece and believe that with revision and a little polishing it could be even better! I have a few suggestions.

At times, I got a little lost. The ideas are there, but they're just presented in a jumbled manner. Also, I would cut down on the use of exclamation points and stick with periods. There are some sentences in which they're okay, but they really threw me off in this short (especially since its topic is suicide). I'm a fan of chronological stories, but the transitions in between the time periods are a little choppy and don't quite flow.

Okay, no more critiques...

I think this has great potential; it just needs some revision! I hope you continue to write.

Hey! CelticThunder1438 here for a review! Or if you prefer, Selina or Seliter.

The first thing I noticed of this story that caught my eye was the sentencing in the first paragraph, everything was short and choppy, hard to follow. Suggestion - If you try writing longer sentences (not EXTRA long). It all depends on your style of writing though, some people are long some short and choppy, some medium. EVERYONE has a different style, just saying that I personally find it easier to read if it isn't so short and choppy

You have a good way with your words, and I felt as if you were writing something about someone you knew very well. Which is good, emotion in stories, or poetry is always a good sign...just not to much or it makes it all dramatic :/ Your story was a good amount though.

The end was VERY GOOD. Lots of people have good stories yet then their endings suck. Yours was a good one, and I admire that because I am one of those people who can't write short stories because I can't end my stories

Overall your story was a good one, keep writing!
Suggestion - Ever thought of writing poetry? You would be good at it.

Signing off,

Selina

I like how your title reels us in, that this must be captivating and informative at the same time.

I'm going to give some overall suggestions here:
I'm thinking to make this a short "story", try and flesh this out a bit. Show us, don't tell us.
Don't be afraid to exaggerate some things.
For example, try to recreate a conversation you had with this girl during this time, make some dialogue happen, rather than giving us an essay in a few short paragraphs.

The second suggestions, if novel-writing isn't your thing, try conveying the story through a poem or lyrics. This is a great way to express a topic (particularly a depressing one) when you don't know what medium or how to say it.
I love poetry personally and would love to give you pointers if you decide to try this!

That's all I have in general. Keep writing!

Yours,
~iron.n

Okay, I'm going to start off by saying, oww.
I have a friend like that.
on to the review!

So it seems more like a list rather than a story. You need to tell it. Yes suicide itself evokes emotions but I want more!
Show me this girl! Paint a picture in my mind, put yourself in her place, and tell me what you look like. Put yourself in her mother's place tell me what you look like then. In the beginning give us happy emotions then just crush them. That is what makes a good writer, when you can completely destroyed an emotion you have just created. Good job I hope to hear more from you
~Inked.