I pulled my heart out from my chest and placed it in a box
Under sheets and old receipts that I might not hear the tocks.
Still the beats came thrumming up to try and keep apace,
To bounce between and moan and keen within the empty space.
I dug my heel into the lid and pressed it further down,
Through mud and moss and clotted loss to swallow up the sound.
Years grow up around the loom and then I find your hands,
The white of sails with wrinkled trails like lines dragged into sand.
I think of fingers slow and warm like breath upon my face,
Yet silence roars its gaping maw within that empty space.
I pulled my heart out from my chest and placed it in a box.
Through mud and moss and clotted loss I cannot feel the locks.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hello! I thought I would taunt our competitors by earning points for our team from their works. Happy Review Day!
First of all, that title. Come on, you can be more creative than that!!
"Under sheets and old receipts that I might not hear the tocks." Hearts don't tock, they beat. I understand the need to rhyme but it doesn't sound very good.
Other than that, I thought this was beautifully written with a great tone. You're awesome!
Have a beautiful day/night!!! Jesus loves you!!! <3 <3 <3
Until The End And Beyond
-Ari
hey, don't sign off with jesus loves you, that's passive-aggressive and weird. unless you know for a fact the writer is a christian, that's kind of pushing your religion onto other people. i, as an atheist/moderate satanist, would be very uncomfortable if somebody randomly said that to me without asking if i believe in jesus first. tl;dr keep ur religion to yourself
This is really good, the beautiful words flow seamlessly and the rhythm is great.
I like how you kind of repeat your first line at the end, it ties up the ending really well.
I don't know why but I read this poem as a song at first, the rhythmic writing just makes it unique and different from other poems I've read.
I just really found this piece of writing gorgeous and I hope you keep posting stuff like this in the future
This is incredible of course it's poetry so I can't say much or criticize anything that will make you better. But I can tell you the good things that I loved and what made me so much into it. First of all I love every original work that I get to see, Ideas are unique and should never be copied of course some element will but never the whole thing. I haven't read anything similar to this so it makes it all the more beautiful. The rhythm is perfect and I can't express how great this is, so is the words that you used. It's incredible thank you very much for writing such a great piece.
Thank you
This is expressive and beautifully written. The rhythm is a perfect fit for the words, and the words say more each time you read it. This poem has layers, which have layers! I especially loved the part about the "white sails" and "lines dragged in the sand," these are beautiful words. I wish I could show everyone that someone wrote this, and I found this. Congratulations of writing something so lovely, please keep it up.
Thank you!
Whaaaaa? This is so good! I cannot write poetry... Like at all. I have nothing bad to say at all about this. The rhythm was great, the message was clear, and you got the emotion from the page into, like... my soul. I loved this, it made me feel things!
This isn't really a review, I know. But I really liked this, don't stop writing! :3 I've gotta read more of your stuff.
Thank you!