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Thou art more orange and more awful

by Panikos

Shall I compare him to a summer’s day?

To heat-fogged minds, to circling flies?

Like blazing sun, one cannot look his way

Without groans, moans, and hissing sighs.

Setting rays lend their tone to his skin,

To his scalp, the shade of straw springs.

On his tongue, in his throat, and further within

Spills the sweetness of old, festered things.

Drought dries the rivers that rush from his lips.

They run faltering, unfiltered; like old veins.

Into dead ends and ditches each current slips,

Then pools, grows stagnant, and remains.

Shall I compare him to a summer’s day?

He is all of it, but worse in every way.

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63 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 63

Wed Sep 20, 2017 5:06 pm
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Werthan wrote a review...

LOL. Trump is a joke and this joke poem captures it perfectly for me. I got tired of people taking Trump seriously in general, except that it seems like somewhat of a serious problem that people would vote for a joke. "Trump is orange" can get kind of tiring but then that's why there aren't any prizes for guessing who it's about.

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75 Reviews

Points: 2162
Reviews: 75

Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:27 pm
SilverBerry wrote a review...

Hey Silverberry here for a review! I love poems that rhyme, and I think your descriptions and metaphors were very impressive, and I really liked the humor in this. There are somethings you can fix with some of your rhymes because at certain times you seem a little confined to it, but I think it's great that you chose to recreate Shakespeare's sonnet!

Okay, so I think the biggest mistake is the syllables. In shakespearean sonnets, every line is supposed to have ten. I mean, I can see why you might now want to not do this, but I think adding some syllables will make the sonnet even more impressive and more like Shakespeare's original.

To heat-fogged minds, to circling flies?
Since I like this line and I like to cheat, you can simply put an accent mark over the "-ged" and change the word circling, or you can just change "circling" into "circulating" and you'll get those two syllables you need, though circulating may be a tad wordy, and I'm not even thinking about meter at the moment.

Without groans, moans, and hissing sighs.
I believe you can just add "At least" to the beginning of the line and it'll be good.

Setting rays lend their tone to his skin
I think your meter is a little off here since the stress in "setting" is on the first syllable (I think) instead of the second. If you have a small word before "setting" it'll fix the meter and add that syllable you need.

Okay I think you get the syllable thing. Next I'd like to help you a little with your rhymes. First off is
To his scalp, the shade of straw springs
supposed to be straw STRINGS? Because I don't understand what you mean by straw springs.

Spills the sweetness of old, festered things.
The problem with this is the word "things", I like to think that using the word "things" in right is a no-no, as it is our duty to elaborate and show the beauty of words. The use of things is a little vague, especially with all your other wonderful comparisons, and it makes it seem as if you were just struggling for a rhyme. Perhaps now you can use the word spring, for when you say the word "spills", I'm waiting for some sort of liquid.

Okay! So other than adding some syllables here and there (or taking them away) I think your poem is awesome! When editing, I'm sure you can cheat a little if you have one too few or one too many syllables, but if you have a sentence that is obviously a little longer or shorter, the flow is going to be at risk. Though, I did want to say that I loved your descriptions! I especially love the line about groans and moans not only because it's such an opposite from Shakespeare's original, but also because of whom you are referring to. I also like the way you ended the poem, again because the contrast between yours and shakespeare's sonnet, but also because of the tone you set with it and it really gets your point across.

Anyways, great job and keep writing! Hope I helped!

Panikos says...

Thank you!

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:14 am
Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, DArkPandemonium! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Good things

Overall I like your images. They're strong, and there's a lot of them. You take things that normally seem good and twist them in a way where they fit a form of something despicable. And I could be wrong, but this seems to be about Trump? I could be wrong on that, but that's what I gathered from it. Anyway, let's continue.
The other good things about this poem was you keep the flow rather well in since, and that's always refreshing.

Things I think you could fix

I find this poem to be centered around rhyme. And that I didn't like too well. There's a thousand different choices that you could have made word wise, and yet you restrict yourself by rhyme. I would say cut the scheme, but it's ultimately your choice of whether or not you do this.

The next thing would be your images. I would suggest pruning them- here you get a mouth full of images and it's hard to swallow since there are so many . I will admit they're good, but I find pruning to be a good way to go about too many of them.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Panikos says...

Thank you for the review. I don't think I would do away with the rhyme scheme, only because part of the parody is that it's an insulting sonnet. But I'll take everything on board. :)

"But like, if you're an ex-vampire, ex-nazi with literally centuries worth of PTSD, it helps to play a lot of instruments to balance it out."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi