Fate: Chapter one

Hi, Writer. Here I am... reviewing for you! I love your story, your writing style is amazing, and your main characters seem nice. This novel has potential, something I will definitely finish reading. Keep writing this, I'll look forward to read the next chapter. I also noticed you have not done your novel or novella cover, so here's the link of how to do it in case you don't know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paWzpz5xwVU It's a video [user]Nate[/url], the admin guy, made to show us.

~Sol

Chapter One

There was a monster right in front of me. It stared at me with unblinking eyes. I sighed and looked at my reflection for one more second before tackling my hair with a brush. It was going in all directions and my eyes were bloodshot. I had been up until two in the morning working on a paper that wasn’t due until next Friday. Over a week from now. But that was me. Always the good girl. A child prodigy.

This is a great start for a novel, it makes the reader want to keep reading. Good Job!

I saw a familiar sight as I stepped into the kitchen. My mother was setting food on the table with her brown hair in a bun and her suit recently ironed. Mom’s a lawyer. She’s stern and gentle. Understanding yet firm.

And sitting in the chair that was added to our family table just for him was Tyler. His light brown hair matched my mothers more than mine did. His green eyes were alight with life and joy.

He was the first one to see me and he smiled a smile that broke my heart twice. First from seeing it and again from seeing it leave as he turned back to the conversation he’d been having with my mother. I love him so much, I thought as I sat beside him. We’d met when I’d moved into town sophomore year. He’d been my first friend and my first boyfriend after he’d taken me on my first date. We’d been together ever since, and he always ate breakfast at my house before driving me to school. He seemed to be anxious this morning, in a good way. He seemed like he wanted to get to school fast.

He was done eating before I was done but sat their dutifully and paid attention.

like she always did because she insisted in making breakfast every morning.

So Tyler and I ate our breakfeast quickly with little conversation, but with a lot of meaningful looks cast my way that I didn't quite understand.

As we were walking out of the house towrd his car he suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway.

"toward" I know... typos are evil.

He didn’t start the car though, like he normaly did, instead looked at me with eyes that I believed held the secrets of the universe.

Suddenly he wasn’t looking at me but kissing me with such intensity that at first all I could do was sit rigged in my seat.

Hey there!
I like this.

However, something lacks in here. I guess it lacks the story-reader connection. You should add action.

There was a monster right in front of me. I really thought there was a monster. HAHA. But you said it was the MC and her messy hair, so it's okay. XDIt stared at me with unblinking eyes. I sighed and looked at my reflection for one more second before tackling my hair with a brush. It was going in all directions and my eyes were bloodshot. I had been up until two in the morning working on a paper that wasn’t due until next Friday. Over a week from now. But that was shouldn't it be 'is'? me. Always the good girl. A child prodigy.

The first thing I thought about this was that the voice is very... not passive, but kind of blah. It's like, you need more force in here! Right now the narrator sounds very apathetic, and it makes it hard to get into the story. Remember that the first chapter of a novel is what catches someone's attention!

I'm back! The prologue has lassoed me into the ring! Ahem, on with the review!

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

Writer97 wrote:Chapter One
There was a monster right in front of me. It stared at me with unblinking eyes. I sighed and looked at my reflection for one more second before tackling my hair with a brush. It was going in all directions and my eyes were bloodshot. I had been up until two in the morning working on a paper that wasn’t due until next Friday. Over a week from now. But that was me. Always the good girl. A child prodigy.

After my long black hair was semi-under control and the little makeup I wear/wore had been appliedcomma I headed downstairs. The smell of bacon and eggs filled my senses/nostrils. (Senses seems a little, odd. Up to you though)

I saw a familiar sight as I stepped into the kitchen. My mother was setting food on the table with her brown hair in a bun and her suit recently ironed. Mom’s a lawyer. She’s stern and gentle. Understanding yet firm.

Dad was at the head of the table already half way done with his plate. He ate like a maniac but somehow stayed thin. It was extra surprising considering he was always on his computer. Dad is a writer.spaceHe wrote mainly horror and mystery. And even taking that into consideration, he still understood the more…emotional feelings and concepts. I’d asked him about it once and he’d said, “Writers understand all emotions Jess. Because every story has a little of them all. We have to understand what we write or it’s not worth writing.”spaceHis blonde hair is shaggy and he was still in his pajamas. He’s more laid back than mom.

And sitting in the chair that was added to our family table just for him was Tyler. His light brown hair matched my mothers more than mine did. His green eyes were alight with life and joy.

He was the first one to see me and he smiled a smile that broke my heart twice. First from seeing it and again from seeing it leave as he turned back to the conversation he’d been having with my mother. I love him so much,

I thought as I sat beside him. We’d met when I’d moved into town sophomore year. He’d been my first friend and my first boyfriend after he’d taken me on my first date. We’d been together ever since,

and he always ate breakfast at my house before driving me to school. He seemed to be anxious this morning, in a good way. He seemed like he wanted to get to school fast.

So Tyler and I ate our breakfeast/breakfast quickly with little conversation, but with a lot of meaningful looks cast my way that I didn't quite understand. As we were walking out of the house towrd/toward his car he suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway.
He looked at me in an odd way that felt…calculating. Suddenly he looked (Repetition, try something else with the same meaning 'glanced/gazed/cast his eyes etc) as if he had come to a decision.

He asked me abruptly, “You love me?” My head started to spin. How could he possibly think I not love him?

“Of course I do. Why do you have to ask?” I wondered. His face didn’t change.

“How much do you love me?” Now I was getting worried.

I shoved him against the wall and cupped his face in my hands I was inches from his face, then I looked him in the eye and said, “You dummy. Of course I love you. I’ll always love you, and as to how much well let’s just say, fat kids and Twinkies have nothing on us.” He gave a sigh of relief and smiled. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the tip of my nose which made me blush down to my toes.

“Good. And I love you too. Always. Which reminds me.” With that he pulled me out the door and into his car. He didn’t start the car though, like he normaly/normally did, instead looked at me with eyes that I believed held the secrets of the universe. Suddenly he wasn’t looking at me but kissing me with such intensity that at first all I could do was sit rigged/rigid in my seat. Then I was kissing him back. All thoughts melted from my mind and there was just me and him. He pulled back with such a smug and satisfied look I almost smacked himspace(on the arm). Then he sobered up quick.

He pulled out a little blue fuzzy box and I drew in a sharp breath.

“It’s not what you think. I just saw it and you came to mind and…Well just open it,” he said quickly. I flipped the golden latch and slowly opened the box.

Shocked I pulled in a deep ragged breath and tears began to form in my eyes. It was a little silver heart that said I promise you forever, and whatever comes after that -Tyler. It was beautiful.

The tears spilled over and this time I was the one who leaned over and kissed him as if the world was burning and my love was all that could save him

I really did like this.
I'd read it in novel form, at least.

And...here's where you cry:

There was a monster right in front of me. You started off a chapter with a verb of be.It stared at me with unblinking eyes. I sighed and looked at my reflection for one more second before tackling my hair with a brush. It was going in all directions and my eyes were bloodshot. I had been up until two in the morning working on a paper that wasn’t due until next Friday. Over a week from now. But that was me. Always the good girl. A child prodigy. Good job sliding in info about the MC already. But it's your first paragraph and you used six verbs of be, which really dilute your writing power. Try varying sentence structure.

After my long black hair was semi-under control and the little makeup I wear wore had been applied I headed downstairs. The smell of bacon and eggs filled my senses.

I saw a familiar sight as I stepped into the kitchen. My mother was setting food on the table with her brown hair in a bun and her suit recently ironed. Mom was a lawyer. She was stern and gentle. Understanding yet firm.

Dad was at the head of the table already half way done with his plate. He ate like a maniac but somehow stayed thin. It was extra use a better word surprising considering he was always on his computer. Dad is was a writer.He wrote mainly horror and mystery. And even taking that into consideration, he still understood the more…emotional feelings and concepts. I’d asked him about it once and he’d said, “Writers understand all emotions Jess. Because every story has a little of them all. We have to understand what we write or it’s not worth writing.” His blonde hair is was shaggy and he was still in his pajamas. He was more laid back than mom.

And sitting in the chair that was added to our family table just for him was Tyler. His light brown hair matched my mothers more than mine did. His green eyes were alight with life and joy. I really liked this introduction to Tyler.

He was the first one to see me and he smiled a smile that broke my heart twice. First from seeing it and again from seeing it leave as he turned back to the conversation he’d been having with my mother. I love him so much, I thought as I sat beside him. Paragraph Space: Occurring action to history.

We’d met when I’d moved into town sophomore year. He’d been my first friend and my first boyfriend after he’d taken me on my first date. We’d been together ever since, and he always ate breakfast at my house before driving me to school. He seemed to be anxious this morning, in a good way. He seemed like he wanted to get to school fast.

So Tyler and I ate our breakfeast quickly with little conversation, but with a lot of meaningful looks cast my way that I didn't quite understand. As we were walking out of the house toward his car he suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway.

He looked at me in an odd way that felt…calculating. Suddenly he looked as if he had come to a decision.

He asked me abruptly, “You love me?” My head started to spin. How could he possibly think I not love him?

“Of course I do. Why do you have to ask?” I wondered. His face didn’t change.

“How much do you love me?” Now I was getting worried.

I shoved him against the wall and cupped his face in my hands I was inches from his face, then I looked him in the eye and said, “You dummy. Of course I love you. I’ll always love you, and as to how much well let’s just say, fat kids and Twinkies have nothing on us.” Okay, Pause. While this is cute and it taps into teenage sexual tension and all, it is rushed and loses its flavor when she breaks out into a monologue. Cut down the wording of her speech and it should work.He gave a sigh of relief and smiled. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the tip of my nose which made me blush down to my toes. Beautiful.

“Good. And I love you too. Always. Which reminds me.” With that he pulled me out the door and into his car. He didn’t start the car though, like he normally did, instead looked at me with eyes that I believed held the secrets of the universe. Love that. Suddenly he wasn’t looking at me but kissing me with such intensity that at first all I could do was sit rigged in my seat. Then I was kissing him back. All thoughts melted from my mind and there was just me and him. He pulled back with such a smug and satisfied look. I almost smacked him(on the arm). Then he sobered up quick. It works much better without those two lines.

He pulled out a little blue fuzzy box and I drew in a sharp breath.

“It’s not what you think. I just saw it and you came to mind and…Well just open it,” he said quickly. I flipped the golden latch and slowly opened the box. Try giving a dialogue break for added action which both decreases the rushed feeling and gives your MC's voice a better chance to break through.

Shocked I pulled in a deep ragged breath and tears began to form in my eyes. It was a little silver heart that said I promise you forever, and whatever comes after that -Tyler. It was beautiful.

The tears spilled over and this time I was the one who leaned over and kissed him as if the world was burning and my love was all that could save him.

Whoa, good start. For a moment there I thought you were going to start off with a fight between your MC and a monster, but then you completely changed tack. That was a really good way to start what your character thinks of herself.
So, to nitpicks:

His light brown hair matched my mother's more than mine did.

So me and TylerTyler and I ate, and were walking out of the house when he suddenly stopped.

I shoved him against the wall and cupped his face in my hands. I got inches from his face, looked him in the eye and said, “You dummy. Of course I love you. I’ll always love you, and as to how much, well, let’s just say, fat kids and Twinkies have nothing on us.”

Dad was at the head of the table already half way done with his plate. He ate like a maniac but somehow stayed thin. It was extra surprising considering he was always on his computer. Dad is a writer.He wrote mainly horror and mystery. And even taking that into consideration, he still understood the more…emotional feelings and concepts. I’d asked him about it once and he’d said, “Writers understand all emotions Jess. Because every story has a little of them all. We have to understand what we write or it’s not worth writing.”His blonde hair is shaggy and he was still in his pajamas. He’s more laid back than mom.

So I took into account that you wanted me to develop the tyler character and so i am going to add a little scene between him and jessica before the car.and made corrections.

Hello, my darling! Welcome to YWS! I, Loveless, will be reviewing your piece today. Well, let me get started! (For the longest time, I though that was a piggy pirate.)

First of all, you should add more spacing into your story. With everything just jumbled together like that your story looks long and intimidating.
Corrections will be in something other than black, most likely red.

There was a monster right in front of me. It stared at me with unblinking eyes. I sighed and looked at my reflection for one more second before tackling my hair with a brush. And here I am, thinking that she is actually looking at a monster. You kind of broke my heart when I found out it was just a reflection. It's fine though! It was going in all directions and my eyes were bloodshot. I had been up until two in the morning working on a paper that wasn’t due until next Friday. Over a week from now. Well, when you say next Friday the reader automatically assumes that it would be a week away. The sentence following that statement is not needed, it just takes up already filled space. But that was me. You could combine this sentence with the one in purple. Always the good girl. The child prodigy. Opinion: You should replace 'The' with 'A'.
After my long black hair was semi-under control and the little makeup I wear had been applied, I headed downstairs. The smell of bacon and eggs filled my senses.

I saw a familiar sight as I stepped into the kitchen: my mother was setting food on the table with her brown hair in a bun and her suit recently ironed. Mom’s a lawyer. She’s stern and gentle. Understanding yet firm. The corrections I made is just an example of how I think that sentence could be improved. Something about it just didn't read right.
Dad was at the head of the table already half way done with his plate. He ate like a maniac but somehow stayed thin. It was extra surprising considering he was always on his computer. Dad is a writer. His blond hair is shaggy and he was still in his pajamas. He’s more laid back than mom. He wrote mainly horror and mystery. You jump from topic to topic often in the couple of sentences. One minute you're talking about how her dad's a write, then you talk about his appearance, and then you're talking about how he's a writer again. Trying to get everything out that you want to say about a certain subject before moving onto another. And even taking that into consideration, he still understood the more…emotional feelings and concepts. I’d asked him about it once and he’d said, “Writers understand all emotions, Jess. Because every story has a little of them all. We have to understand what we write or it’s not worth writing.”
And, sitting in the chair that was added to our family table just for him, was Tyler. His light brown hair matched my mothers more than mine did. His green eyes were alight with life and joy.
He was the first one to see me and he smiled a smile that broke my heart twice. First from seeing it and again from seeing it leave as he turned back to the conversation he’d been having with my mother. I love him so much, I thought as I sat beside him. We’d met when I’d moved into town sophomore year. He’d been my first friend and my first boyfriend after he’d taken me on my first date. We’d been together ever since, and he always ate breakfast at my house before driving me to school.

He seemed to be anxious this morning. In a good way. Those two sentences should be combined. If so, they would look less choppy. He seemed like he wanted to get to school fast.
So we ate and got in his car parked on the side of the street. He didn’t start the car though. He looked at me with eyes that I believed held the secrets of the universe. Once again, these sentences should be cobined. "He didn't start the car though, instead, he.." and so on. Or something like that. Suddenly he wasn’t looking at me, but kissing me with such intensity that at first all I could do was sit rigged in my seat. Then I was kissing him back. All thoughts melted from my mind and there was just me and him. His lips on mine. 'His lips on mine' is not a complete sentence. You could say 'His lips were on mine', but we already knew that, so mentioning it again would just be pointless. But, if you want to keep that little fragment, add another part telling what his lips did. He pulled back with such a smug and satisfied look I almost smacked him. Violent much? Then he sobered up quick. Those two sentences could also be combined. He pulled out a little blue fuzzy box and I drew in a sharp breath.
“It’s not what you think. I just saw it and you came to mind and…Well just open it,” he said quickly. I flipped the golden latch and slowly opened the box.
Shocked, I pulled in a deep ragged breath and tears began to form in my eyes. It was a heart that that said 'I promise you forever, and whatever comes after that -Tyler'.
The tears spilled over and, this time, I was the one who leaned over and kissed him as if the world was burning and my love was all that could save him.

Ok, I like the whole idea and setup that you have for chapter 1. some pointers i would give are you can break up the paragraphs to just one sentence.I will show you what I think would be more interesting for readers. Having all those paragraphs all together like that makes it alittle distracting for the readers or maybe it's just me.