OK, so i found this in the bottom of a folder of things i had wrote a few years ago. Out of all that was in there this was the best piece. which isn't saying much but...gosh. When I look back at things I wrote years ago it's like someone else wrote it. So here is a piece from the mind of a eight or nine year old.
Delos
“During the time of the end one will
arise. Bearing the symbol of the queen
living in the world of the unmarked
she will be found. She must be found
or we will tear ourselves to extinction.”
I stepped deeper into the shadows of the trees I was hiding under. She was sitting right there. So close but once again so far away. I wanted to grab her and run, but that was impossible. My orders were to explain to her the situation, train her, and bring her to circle night willingly. I must obey my orders strictly. Give them no reason to doubt I was on their side. This was my chance.
But let me explain. I am a witch. Not warlock, not magician, witch. I participate in the Craft. But not anyone can be a witch. You have to have the blood. You have to be born a witch.
Long ago, for no one knows when exactly, ten children were chosen. Before they were born the goddess blessed them. And form birth on, magic flowed through their blood. These children grew and had children of their own. The magic was passed down through the ages.
As the goddess blessed girls most, children form one of the ten lines were mostly females. Males were not unheard of, but were less frequent to be born. I was one of those lucky few. As had my father been also. Since there were so many females when they got married the name was changed. And the names of the witch blood were lost.
And we never showed ourselves to the unmarked. The normal people. The only unmarked allowed to know was a witches spouse. But said mortal would have to undergo a test of the mind by a priestess or the circle.
This is where things get testy. The witches were governed by the circle. The circle judged those accused of crimes. They made the laws. They were what keep our world from chaos. But the circle had recently split in half. One half wanted to take over the unmarked world. They wanted to make the mundane humans our slaves.
That was circle day. For they wanted to rule not only night, as we do, but the sunlight hours also.
Circle night was the opposite. They wanted to stay hidden. To watch the mundane world from the side. Leave them at peace.
The two sides were both heavily supported. And they both wanted war. That was where the prophecy and girl came into the picture. Years ago before the circle, our world had been ruled by a queen. She had been fair and kind to her people. She had also been the greatest prophet in the world at the time.
One day while she was having dinner with her daughter her eyes had glazed over and she said, “During the time of the end, one will arise. Bearing the symbol of the queen living in the world of the unmarked she will be found. She must be found. Or we will tear ourselves into extinction.”
Afterward she became greatly ill. And within weeks our beloved queen had died.
So when the circle split, both sides had witches scouring the globe for the girl who would save us. She would tip the balance. Whichever side she fought for would win.
A week ago circle night had gotten word that she had been found. After a day of debate I had been sent to get and protect her. They had had no choice really. I was the best fighter they had. In magical combat and else whys.
They’d told me this was my chance to redeem myself. My only chance to be accepted once more into the only life I’ve ever known. But they still didn’t trust me. I don’t blame them. But I was going to complete this mission and prove I was on their side.
You ask why they don’t trust me? Why they think I’m a spy?
Because my parents are the ones who started circle day.
End of chapter
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
First of all, ditto what all the others said. I cannot believe you were 8 or 9 when you wrote this, its certainly impressive. And before I start I have to agree again, there is a lot of information in here, its almost too much to take in in the first chapter (assuming it is) however this is not a bad start for a prologue, again there is still a slight information overkill. First determine what the nature of this text is, and second; I would suggest cutting half of it out and just putting in what you think are the crucial pieces, and then adding the rest later. Okay, on with the review!
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Nice opening, although you use too many short sentences, these are effective but only when they're used sparingly.
The last underlined line I feel is slightly pointless, its not needed here. Try reviewing and re-phrasing it slightly.
Love how it comes full circle.
I have bolded this part because for me, I think this is the only part where something actually happens. Note how far down this is.
This is the line which first made me think it was a prologue.
This is very pantomime, its all 'Why I hear you cry...' Consider re-wording it slightly.
Dun dun dun! This is a strong opening, it just needs a slight re-touch. As this was written a long time ago, I know it isn't going to be word perfect. However, I felt I knew absolutely nothing about the character. I like to visual the MC in my mind, warts and all. So some description about the way your MC looks and some of their personality traits would be nice. Its a promising start, already you've created a fantasy world which most writers take months and months to dream up. Keep going, I look forward to reading more!
xo
Wow, you wrote this when you were nine? That's pretty impressive...but anyway, Mysty's right. There's a lot of information in here you could work into the rest of the story, such as the little bit about her parents and the general information about being born a witch. However, if you do make this a prologue, I'd recommend keeping the whole thing about her redemption, just not mentioning why she wants to redeem herself. Then the reader will keep asking "Why is she doing this? What did she do wrong?" And you can whip out the secret and completely the stun readers later on.
Just a suggestion.
It seems like you know a lot about this story's universe from all the information here, which is a good thing! I'm guessing if you continued with this, it would be the prologue? I usually do this to people, so don't take it personally, but prologues aren't really advised as far as stories go, so axing it would be preferred. Ones like this are info-dumps, meaning you're telling a lot of important information at once when it would work better to be spread out all around the story, maybe even being things the main character learns with us. It's not as fun if the MC knows everything right from the start!