Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was really well done here. I think you manage to really capture the true horror of a scene of this nature and you do a really good job of it there just absolutely cutting to the very heart of it all quite powerfully. We are left with nothing to do but just feel all of the pain radiating off.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The camp was burning. Everything was burning. Smoke filled the air, and ash choked the ground. Sounds of gunfire and screams echoed eerily from every direction, and it was hard to figure out where he was going.

Tears smeared his dirty, blood-streaked face, the smoke making it hard to see. Was that one of the mess tents ahead? He couldn't tell.

Suddenly he was thrown to the ground by a shockwave that left his ears ringing. Dirt and debris rained down from the sky. The explosion had been close, but he couldn't make out any sounds of fighting, so as soon as it was clear, he got up and kept going. He had to find them. He would find them.

Where was he? Everything was turned inside-out and backwards. He coughed as ash scratched his throat, and tried to spit, but his mouth was as dry as a desert.

Then, he saw it. The weather-vane. It was on the ground, knocked off from its high post by a stray shot, but if it was here, then…

There. The safehouse. Surrounded by flames and ash. They were there. They had to be.

He kept walking, each step harder than the last.

Then he was looking down the stairs. The door was open already. Numbly, he went in.

Awaiting him at the bottom was a massacre.

Blood and bodies everywhere, ripped apart, burned, and broken. All… dead.

All dead.

"No…" he whispered.

He stumbled forward, eyes scanning through the carnage for any sign of them. Niera… she'd been wearing a light blue shirt. And Sena…

He couldn't remember what she'd been wearing.

His search became more desperate. They had to be here. He refused to accept anything else.

He was nearly to the back of the room before he saw it. A scrap of blue.

There she was, completely buried under a pile of broken crates, except for her head, which faced upwards.

Not moving.

"Niera…" he rasped, scrambling forward and falling to his knees beside her. He cupped her face in his hands, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"Niera, I'm here, baby. I'm here. You're safe. Daddy's here. I'm not leaving."

There was no response.

"You're gonna be okay. I've got you. We're going to go home. You wanted to go to the park for your birthday, remember? Remember, baby?" Her face was cold and still under his hands. "My big girl, six years old… such a big girl… my big girl…"

"Sir?"

He kissed her forehead. "Please wake up, honey. Please wake up."

"Sir, there's nothing you can do for her. We have to go."

There was a hand on his shoulder, but he ignored it, staring into her unseeing eyes, searching for any sign of life.

"We have to leave now or we're gone!"

"I'm trying! He's not responding!"

"Drag him if you have to!"

He stroked her cheek again. "Niera… Niera…"

"Sorry about this, sir."

Arms began to drag him away. Desperately, he clutched at his daughter. "No. No! I'm not leaving. Niera!"

But he couldn't break away. He was dragged further and further from Niera, and he couldn't reach her, and…

She was dead.

"No, no, no, please no…" he grabbed at the arms. "Please. Help her."

"She's beyond help, sir."

Then they were up the stairs, and out of sight. He tried one last time to break away, but his captor was insistent.

Tears flowed freely down his cheeks now, and he could barely breathe for the sobs that wrenched past his lips.

They were gone. They were dead.

It was over.

Hey there Overwatchful! Lim here with your requested review.

General Impressions

I thought the main mood of the first bit was one of disorientation. The narrator is struggling to find someone in the midst of a fire and some violent explosions. The line with the “shockwave” conveys a clearer sense of fear. Then it’s revealed that the narrator was looking for a group of people including his daughter, which makes the stakes clear. So it’s sad when we find out that they’ve all died. It feels kind of mysterious and left to the imagination where exactly the story takes place and why all this violence and death is happening.

Plot and Narration

One part of the plot that I liked was how unreliable narration was used to make the climax of the story more shocking. The main character’s point of view is kind of vague, so at first we only know that he’s looking for someone important and only later through the dialogue do we find out one of them is his daughter. The somewhat disjointed and vague descriptions, such as this ‘cut’ from the weather-vane to the safehouse hint to me that the narration is unreliable, along with the initial use of the vague reference to “them” who the main character has to find.

Then, he saw it. The weather-vane. It was on the ground, knocked off from its high post by a stray shot, but if it was here, then…
There. The safehouse.

Hi @Overwatchful I'm here to do a quick review on your short story.

First of I really like how it started, I'm the type of person who likes to read dramatic things, even if it gives you nightmares, so this was something that I found quit interesting to read.

The camp was burning. Everything was burning. Smoke filled the air, and ash choked the ground. Sounds of gunfire and screams echoed eerily from every direction, and it was hard to figure out where he was going.

He stumbled forward, eyes scanning through the carnage for any sign of them. Niera… she'd been wearing a light blue shirt. And Sena…

He couldn't remember what she'd been wearing.

First of all, the title - "Burning"
I should've known it was about fire from the title. According to Google, burning means "on fire." I also should've known that I might be absolutely devastated by the outcome of this story. Why did I just simply skim over the title? Why did I not take the time to actually digest it? Gosh darn it.
Second of all, the context.
Now that I've read this through, I'm curious as to what had happened before to cause this. Why is everything on fire? What excerpt is this from? Context or no context this short story burned me. Although I've read similar scenarios like this, the brief but descriptive illustrations you created through the usual adjectives and words in the aftermath of a fire; it was fast-paced to the point where I got caught up in the whirlwind of it all, miserably missing the warning signs of loss and gruesome results.
Third of all, the content.
Holy moly. Jesum crow as I like to say. And oh my god. You blew my mind. The story was revealing itself at a mixed/balanced fast/slow pace that made my heart rate increase and my mouth open as everything was unfolding. I kind of want to scream at you as a reader that you can't do that to me. I mean - you can and you just did. But god dang. The gasps that I let out of my mouth.
Fourth of all, the plot twists.
WTF?! Can I just say that to begin with? Because as a reader, you got me hanging onto every word. And then you hit me with that the perspective is a freaking father. A father who has just lost his daughters. You really know how to make a reader's mouth really drop.
Fifth of all, overall.
It was super understandable and because of the pace it was going at as well as the succinct descriptiveness of it all, readers can be surprised/shocked at the twists and turns that unfold throughout the short story. I wholeheartedly am envious that I didn't write this. You did an incredible job of writing this. You are mindblowingly talented.