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What Would You Do?

by OneMageArmy


You dash out of the rotting cabin like it's on fire, jumping over the few porch steps and land running onto old, worn stone and do your best not to slip. It's only a few seconds before you get to your car, and yet it feels like years. But once you finally get there you quickly unlock the driver’s side door and frantically stuff yourself into the seat.

You slam the door shut, and lock it, your body moving faster and faster as the seconds pass, with your heart quaking and pumping fear into your veins instead of blood. Your body resists its urge to freeze in terror, and you force your heavy arms to jam the keys into their place and start the car. But just as soon as your engine rumbles with life, the driver’s side door is ripped off and thrown away. It’s too late. The creature grabs you by the throat and yanks you out with ease, holding you in front of it just off the ground.

It hoists you up higher, inspecting you like the prey you are, and it grins widely.

“Hi!” its charming voice says, clear as day. “I’m John Quinones! And this is ‘What Would You Do?’”

He grips your throat tighter, cutting off all access to oxygen His tone switched from charismatic, to angry.

“So tell me…”

His eyes lock with yours and your soul is pierced by them. Pierced to its very core.

“Why did you get involved?”


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Points: 417
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Wed Sep 08, 2021 2:30 am
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Broady771 wrote a review...



Hi OneMage Army, Broady here with a quick review.

Firstly, just wanna say that this is a really interesting story. The story immediately begins in the introduction without any proper opening, which intrigues us readers to read on. In addition to that, from the first paragraph, I can tell the story is really thrilling, since the main character was already running and seemingly trying to avoid being caught by an unknown pursuer.

Secondly, the short story is really descriptive, especially in the second paragraph.

"You slam the door shut, and lock it, your body moving faster and faster as the seconds pass, with your heart quaking and pumping fear into your veins instead of blood. Your body resists its urge to freeze in terror, and you force your heavy arms to jam the keys into their place and start the car."

It brings out the main part of this short story, in a sense, and also perfectly shows us that the main character was in a state of frenzy and panic, trying to get the car moving and escape the scene. But, moving on deeper into the story, the main character was eventually caught by the pursuer.

Finally, that cliffhanger is excellent. It attracts and intrigues us readers to want to read more about the story, so that we can find out what happens next to the main character, and why the creature said "Why did you get involved?".

Overall, a fantastic short story, keep up the good work man! :D




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Tue Sep 07, 2021 12:49 pm
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BetsyJ wrote a review...



Hi,

This is an exciting snippet of a story. After reading it, I felt like it was a nightmare that the main character could possibly be having with a game show left running on TV somewhere in the background ( which explains the game show host-like introduction: “I’m John Quinones! And this is ‘What Would You Do?’”)

The story is fast-paced and I like that. I did feel like the sentence length and the divisions within the sentences slowed the pace. Shorter ones would quicken the pace more.
I felt that this "...and yet it feels like years. " was hyperbolic. Maybe, you could have described it some other way, like, "it's only a few seconds to get to your car but it feels like your feet fail to run as fast as you want them to"... or..."It's only a few seconds to get to your car but the distance suddenly seems increased as you keep running, taking longer and longer to reach your car." Just an opinion, feel free to ignore it.

Overall, it's a cool story. If it were a more developed one, it would definitely be a gripping read.




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Mon Sep 06, 2021 7:21 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this story really intrigued me here...especially the use of second person which I can safely say that I've never run into before in something other than a choose your adventure story. Its was really interesting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You dash out of the rotting cabin like it's on fire, jumping over the few porch steps and land running onto old, worn stone and do your best not to slip. It's only a few seconds before you get to your car, and yet it feels like years. But once you finally get there you quickly unlock the driver’s side door and frantically stuff yourself into the seat.


Okay...well, we're off to a pretty intense start there by the looks of things. This is definitely something to catch your attention quite quickly. You really get the feeling that the character here is running away from something quite dangerous in this rotting cabin here...I also couldn't help laugh at the detail of trying not to slip....especially cause in sooo many horror movies, the character just has to trip while running away from danger and this feels like a nod to that.

You slam the door shut, and lock it, your body moving faster and faster as the seconds pass, with your heart quaking and pumping fear into your veins instead of blood. Your body resists its urge to freeze in terror, and you force your heavy arms to jam the keys into their place and start the car. But just as soon as your engine rumbles with life, the driver’s side door is ripped off and thrown away. It’s too late. The creature grabs you by the throat and yanks you out with ease, holding you in front of it just off the ground.


Oh dear...wow, I think we were going to start with a bit of an epic chase sequence or something along those lines, but well I'm loving this direction its taking right now...the creature just catching up and totally ripping the car door like its nothing. You definitely get the sense that this is totally not something that you want to mess with here.

It hoists you up higher, inspecting you like the prey you are, and it grins widely.

“Hi!” its charming voice says, clear as day. “I’m John Quinones! And this is ‘What Would You Do?’”

He grips your throat tighter, cutting off all access to oxygen His tone switched from charismatic, to angry.

“So tell me…”


Ooooh, well I suppose this is the part where the humor section of this story comes into play, that has a very survival gameshowy vibe to it right here...and well, its a very combination to combine a genuinely terrifying description with that kind of a line here...and I am loving this premise already.

His eyes lock with yours and your soul is pierced by them. Pierced to its very core.

“Why did you get involved?”


Well, this is a lovely point to end on here...the description here's really good and you can almost feel the eyes bore into you...and then it just ends on a pretty chilling line right there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this was a really simple and really solid story. It was a lot of fun to read here. Aaaand, well, that's all I gotta say. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




OneMageArmy says...


Ayy! I'm glad you loved it as much as you did.
I didn't realize that the slipping thing was like that, but when you pointed it out, it also made me laugh! You're review was just as entertaining as the story, and made me really happy to read!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!! :D



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Sat Sep 04, 2021 5:31 pm
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hi there! Lezuli here with a short review for you. Now, to start off, I would like to say that I enjoyed this story. It was short, but it still had a great story(and a nice branching point for a larger story). You did a fine job of instilling a frantic vibe and the 'game-show host' energy the monster has is a nice contrast to the rest of the story.
And now for my reviews.
So, let's start out with a simple grammatical one.

He grips your throat tighter, cutting off all access to oxygen His tone switched from charismatic, to angry.

Right here, I assume you meant for there to be a period between 'oxygen' and 'his' that was simply misplaced in the typing. Otherwise I'd think you were going for more of a capitalized he/him like a god. I feel like you were going for the first, but if not, you might want to capitalize more of those pronouns so that one doesn't feel like an outlier.
And as for the second one, this one is more personal opinion, so if you wish to discard it, ignore me.
His eyes lock with yours and your soul is pierced by them. Pierced to its very core.

So the last sentence of this line feels a little off to me. 'Pierced to its core' doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the narrative, making the soul seem like it's more of an inanimate object than a soul. I'd suggest changing it to something more along the lines of 'pierced to your core' instead.
And finally, I just want to say that I really liked your use of second person in the story. The title seems to be directed at the reader and using a writing perspective where it's like the reader is doing all of the actions was a nice move. Good job!
I hope this was helpful to you!




OneMageArmy says...


Thanks for the review! The grammatical mistakes were simply errors I overlooked. And I really appreciate the last part. I also thought it was a bit off, but didn't think to try something else, so it's very helpful!



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Sat Sep 04, 2021 3:21 pm
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TheWordsOfWolf wrote a review...



Hi, hello, good morning good evening, good afternoon and goodnight as well as all the other pleasant things one expects in a greeting.
I don't often read short stories but yours drew me in. It was not what I expected from the title but it did not disappoint! Its short, its sweet, its funny it gives you just what you need in a story of this length. One suggestion I have, and its a fairly large one, is to instead of telling the story as if the reader is the character tell it from the perspective of an actual fictional character. It just might help the story flow a little bit better but as always whether you want to do that or not is entirely up to you. Thanks for the laugh your story gave me!

as always,
Wolf




OneMageArmy says...


Thanks for your kind words! The piece was just intended to be as short and simple as it was, and I'm so glad it was received exactly as intended. I may try what you suggested at some point. I could expand a little with that.




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi