-Hey look at that guy ! He is about to sleep … Doesn’t he realize how big this event is ? .. Or maybe he is too confident about winning ??
-Nah ,I bet he recognized that he has no chance …
The first guy guessed right .It was my win without a doubt .I was about to the so famous the “…” international innovation competition and yet I felt nothing special …is that because I knew that with an innovation such as mine I could fly high ? but..was I wrong ?
***
The room was dark and empty . There was nothing besides the chair on which I was sitting .Wait , why am I chained ? and these ropes damn hurt !
-Hey!! Who did this to me! Show yourself….
I kept yelling until one tall guy wearing a black suit came in .
-Ted Blackfit ?
-Yes ? I sure was had been screaming but right there I was shut down by fear
-You were arrested for hacking governmental websites and various banks under the nickname of THE RIPPER .Do you deny having committed these crimes ?
I was shocked .The ripper my ass ! I mean it’s true that I’m a very good hacker but never have I hacked something besides some chicks’ Facebook accounts …This whole matter sounds really fishy
-Before answering that, I said firmly , are you sure I was arrested not kidnapped ?
The man faked a creepy smile before pulling out some sort of badge
-Golden unit ! I shouted… so the legend was true !
“Golden Unit” is said to be an elite group of policemen who work under the government’s direct orders .Their role is to fight terrorists and criminal minds but no one saw them in action so people agreed that they were a mere legend ….To think it really exists .I’m in big trouble.
-That doesn’t allow you to do such violent things , I caught up …
-Shut up kid , answered the old man with a cold voice , you have yet to see it ; you have yet to see it : hell that is ! …
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello!
I'm here because you have requested a review from me in my WRFF thread!
Since you didn't specify something that you wanted me to specifically review on, I'm going to just write down anything I think needs edited or that you should work on!
As I've seem that many people have already reviewed this, I will try and make this mostly an overview, not very specific review. I don't read the other reviews, so if I repeat something that someone else has said, that means that you might want to edit that specific part
Now, I've looked at your wall and I think it said your third language is English, so I'll try and help a little on that.
First note, when punctuating, you don't have to include a space, just put it right after the word!
for example, instead of this: "The Ripper ? Who is That ?" it should be: "The Ripper? Who is that?"
Just a tip
also, when a character is saying something, make sure you put quotation marks around it.
for example:
-Hey!! Who did this to me! Show yourself….
that, should be:
"Hey! Who did this to me? Show yourself!"
(I really hope I'm not coming off as rude, I just want to make sure I help you :p)
nitpick:
"and these ropes damn hurt !"
should be:
"These damn ropes hurt!"
---
This has definite potential, it's just very short and the passage of time is super quick. Everything's happening at once and it's kind of confusing. I wish there was a little more description and a lot more characterization.
But wow, I must applaud you on writing a story in your third language! I can barely write in my second language, Spanish :p This is very cool, keep going for it!
I hope I helped in some way!
- Del
Hello, steampowered here to review your work! (I must confess I’m not sure whether I actually agreed to do this, but never mind. I like reviewing!)
Just a little heads-up before I start though (as well as a bit of a shameless plug) If you’d like anything else reviewed, the Will Review For Food forum is the only place where you should really request reviews from someone else. I’m going to link you to my old, dead thread here. Feel free to request reviews in here if you’re ever in need of any more reviews.
I heard that English isn’t your first language, and I’m really impressed by your ability to write in another language (gosh, I struggled enough with French and I learnt that for something like eight years. I wouldn’t be able to write a sentence in that now, let alone a novel!) That said, I’ve noticed a few things which aren’t generally done when writing in English, so I’ll whizz through them now. I really hope this review isn’t going to sound rude in any way, because I’m honestly just trying to help.
Generally, English speech is shown through these “” speech marks, rather than the dash (-) There are a couple of exceptions to the rule (I once found a novel where all the speech was italicised, for example) but speech is almost always put in inverted commas. So, here’s your sentence, rewritten with the inverted commas:
And you need to close every bit of speech with another speech mark, otherwise your reader will get confused.
The other thing I noticed is that you leave a space between punctuation marks. Now, punctuation such as ! ? . , etc. needs to be squished up against the text. For example:
is the correct way to format it. Now, in the past I have accidentally changed my Microsoft Word language settings, to French for example, and this has meant that every time I’ve tried to do punctuation it’s put an unwanted space in. If your computer is doing it automatically, I’d suggest checking your language settings are set to English.
Maybe some more description here? There isn’t very much description, so the reader is left struggling to work out what’s going on. I wouldn’t just show it through Ted’s thought processes. Show what he’s feeling, for example “the ropes dug into my skin” or something like that. Maybe provide some clues as to what happened before he was taken?
This is an interesting beginning. You’ve started off with some mystery and suspense, which is great for a first chapter. However, I’m surprised at Ted’s reaction – he thinks the matter seems really fishy but I’d have thought he’d have thought something stronger, considering he’s panicking. Maybe something like “This isn’t true! They’re making stuff up about me. They’re lying” or something with those sorts of sentiments.
Hopefully this review was helpful, and keep writing!
Thanks for the review. You are really nice after all. :p :p
I agree with Kathryn that this story has lots of potential and little description. You also need to pay maybe a little more attention to your quotations putting those around dialogue will separate it from the she said and he says. Also in the last line your commas are floating in the middle of two words when it needs to be touching kid and voice. You've got a good out line of a story going you just need to fill it up with details and description which personally is my favorite part. Take another look over on it for some grammer edits and you'll be as good as gold. It is a great start.
Remington38.
Thanks a lot for the review. It's helpful. Please review the second chapter as well :p :p and thanks again
This story seems interesting and it looks like it has a lot of potential but I was a little lost when the dialogue started because I'm so used to the quotation marks. Make sure that if you are not going to use the quotation marks on dialogue that you make it known where the talking ends and the thoughts and actions start. There also needs to be some more description of where he is or what the man looks like instead of just tall and in a suit.
There were two sentences that didn't make sense to me...I think there were some words mixed around?
and these ropes damn hurt...
I sure was had been screaming...
Overall this is a good story and it has a lot of potential. Just add a bit more description and try to make the dialogue more clear.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much for the review .I'll be taking into consideration what you mentioned and I'll do my best .(abt the two sentences :I sure had been screaming // Idk what's wrong with the other one :p :p ) anyway thanks again for reading and reviewing .It's a pleasure
Hey, what's up?
Let's start with the plot. It's interesting, sure, but it doesn't go very far. I'll chalk that up to the chapter being so short. There was only one thing that bothered me: Ted never denied the charges directly.
As for characters, Ted seems like a decent hero, and everything's easy to imagine.
Your descriptive style, again, seems like nothing special thus far. It may be a part of your more mentally-focused style, again, I'm not sure.
As for formatting, while the hyphen-dialogue is original, it was just a bit strange to read, mostly because I couldn't see where it ended. As for the spaces before the end punctuation, I don't see much reason in it, but if that's your style, then go for it.
In essence, I want more: more plot, more dialogue, more detail. Plenty of that could easily lengthen the enjoyment.
Overall, there's not much to review here. It's a gripping plot in an unfamiliar style, and some more descriptive and dialogue tricks would sure hook the reader for a good while. Mystery is all about the novelty, but be careful not to take that too far. So, I'll be following this into later chapters, to see if you prove me right or wrong. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hi ! thanks a lot for the review .I learnt a lot even though you said there was no much to review .I'll try harder .Please keep reading this :p :p