z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Ripper ? Who is that ? (chapter 2)

by One


To tell the truth ,I was barely standing the pace .

Would these guys really make such a mistake ? I mean ,it kind of happens with other criminals but when it comes to hackers each step is thought of carefully .No matter how much I think about it there is only one conclusion : It’s him !Crap !I knew he was a pain in the ass but to think he would go this far ….What am I gonna’ do now ??

“I …I can return what was taken !”

I did not even finish what I was saying and the man laughed out loud ,so loud that I was about to lose my mind .

What have I done !Stupid !Stupid !Why am I defending him ? Damn it !Damn it !What else can I do ? He’s my …He’s my …Now I’m done for !

“Haha ,to think I would catch such a big fish .This is really my lucky day !”

A big fish ?Is he talking about me ?Wait !!This is it !This is my chance !That guy needs a bigger fish and that’s something I can pull out from my pocket whenever I want .It’s not safe but as if I had another choice !

“Me ?A big fish ?How useless” I said quietly

“Useless you say ?”and I got punched

Damn ,it hurts !No !No !As if I care if it hurts .He is listening ;my words are reaching .That’s the important !Here I go again .

“Those crimes you mentioned !I committed them .But ,don’t think I am a fu*king stupid hacker !!I am a damned inventor ,a genius inventor !You got that ?and you know what ?It’s a waste but I have a unique invention that will make you reach the skies”

“An invention that will make me reach the sky ?( He asked while fixing up his tie )Don’t underestimate a golden unit you rotten brat!!” and I got punched again .

This guy … !He is a moody one .There is hope !

“Before getting here ,I was about to create what I called the …IQ machine .I mean it’s a prototype that measures people’s IQ .”I said hesitating .

“An IQ machine you say ?What the hell am I gonna do with that ?”

What ??Seriously !?Is this guy really a golden unit ?I have to convince him …

“You are working alone right ?I bet even within the golden unit working alone equals being a high-esteemed officer right ?”

“And what if I am ?That just makes you in a more difficult spot .”

“It actually means two things to me : First ,it’s clear that you face the most dangerous amongst the most dangerous .Those guys are also the smartest .They can be easily tracked with my invention . Second ,it gives you a deeper idea about your teammates .As a matter of fact ,with this machine you will be able to know ;who is the easiest to trick ,who is the one you should avoid and much more than that …So what do you think ?Won’t it be useful ?”

With that I gave it my all .All I can do now is wait .But this guy …It’s been an hour and he is still thinking .What’s taking him so long ? 

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359 Reviews

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Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:46 am
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review, as requested! Since you said you wrote the second chapter after my feedback, I’ll try and concentrate totally on the story and not dwell unnecessarily on the formatting.

“Those crimes you mentioned !I committed them .But ,don’t think I am a fu*king stupid hacker !!I am a damned inventor ,a genius inventor !You got that ?and you know what ?It’s a waste but I have a unique invention that will make you reach the skies”


With regards to swearing, it’s perfectly OK but if your piece has swearing in, you need to rate it appropriately. So if you go to “Edit Work” and then to “change the settings” you can set an age rating. I believe that if you use the F-word in a literary work, it needs to be rated 18+. Once you’ve rated it, there’s no need to censor words by using asterisks. However, the content rating needs to be there so people are warned there is going to be bad language in your work.

Judging by the number of times this guy gets punched, I’d have thought he’d be quite a bit more bloodied. Maybe you can describe how the punch has given him a nosebleed, or something like that. Also, punching is painful and considering it happens twice, this guy is still talking. If I may, I’d suggest replacing a punch with a slap. Though still painful, it potentially does less damage to the captive and if I happened to be in this guy’s situation, I’d be more willing to risk a slap over a punch. Just a suggestion though. :P

To tell the truth ,I was barely standing the pace .


I’m really sorry, but I’m not sure what this phrase means. Maybe re-word it?

I did not even finish what I was saying and the man laughed out loud ,so loud that I was about to lose my mind .


He was actually about to lose his mind? I’d suggest maybe changing it to “I thought I was about to lose my mind” but that’s obviously just a suggestion.

Other than that, I don’t think I spotted much else with regards to the story. Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you get stuck or you’re not sure what I mean by my suggestions then feel free to ask me and I’ll try and help you out. Keep writing! :D




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Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:57 pm
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RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, One! RagingLive here to review your poem!! I absolutely love anything that has to do with mystery/suspense and so I was especially pleased that I found your story. I do want to warn you, however, that even if I get a little nitpicky, I don't have anything against you and I don't want to sound like an old meanie. So please, if I offended you or I need to be set straight on something, message me in the comments below or PM me.
Now, shall we begin?

First, your title. It wasn't an extremely catchy title and without proper capitalization it just look a little . . . sloppy. Thankfully, this can be easily remedied, and even if you don't change the title, you can change the layout so that it is easier to read.

I found a lot of areas where the punctuation was - to say the least - confusing. I don't want to exaggerate, but I also don't want to blow over the fact that the punctuation in your story not only makes it hard to read, but makes your work look amateurish. I think I can help you with some of that, but because of the level of mistakes, I'm not going to be able to take you through each one.

To tell the truth ,I was barely standing the pace .

When placing a punctuation mark, you need it to be nestled up tightly with the word you just typed (or wrote). This sentence, for instance, would be:
"To tell the truth, I was barely standing the pace."
This rule also goes with questions marks as well as exclamation marks. You will also want to apply this to your title.

What am I gonna’ do now ??

The apostrophe at the end of 'gonna' isn't necessary. The two question marks at the end also take away from the professionalism that a writer is trying to achieve. Just one will do.

“I …I can return what was taken !”

Now onto ellipses. Ellipses are a sequence of three dots separated by a space each, with a single space on each end. It can be easy to get carried away with ellipses, as I know by personal experience, but let me give you a template of how you might be able to fix that.
"I . . . I can return what was taken!"
(Also, remember to slid that exclamation mark back and nestle it right up with the sentence.)

so loud that I was about to lose my mind .

Was he(?) really about to lose his mind? Or did he just think or begin to feel like he was about to lose his mind. Consider little details like these as they will spice up your story and make it more interesting.

“Me ?A big fish ?How useless” I said quietly

Here we are missing some punctuation. Let's edit:
"Me? A big fish? How useless," I said quietly."
Isn't that a lot easier to read? :)

“An invention that will make me reach the sky ?( He asked while fixing up his tie )Don’t underestimate a golden unit you rotten brat!!” and I got punched again .

This here again looks unprofessional. I suggest that we remove the parentheses and place quotation marks as we rephrase it.
"An invention that will make me reach the sky?" He asked, fixing up his tie. "Don't underestimate a golden unit you rotten brat!"

That is all I have to address in your writing today! I realize that this review has turned out rather long, so if it confuses in any way or you have any questions, please just ask. Contrary to what it might seem, I don't bite. :D

Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive




One says...


hahaha thanks for the review. It sure helps a lot. I don't actually want to explain my mistakes but I'm actually confused myself. The truth is since English is my third language, things are getting mixed up in my head .(Arabic and french use a different system mainly when it comes to dialogues ) .
Anyway, I'll work harder to improve that but I have some questions and I am eager for an answer :What do you think of the plot ? The writing style ? What else besides ponctuation should I improve ? and thanks a lot . Please keep reading this !



RagingLive says...


I wondered if it was your second language, but I had never guessed your third!! You have my ultimate respect as I often have a hard time wrapping my head around the simplicities of Spanish!!

I'm not seeing a lot of the plot in these first few chapters and as with most mystery/suspense, I am finding it hard to understand what is going on. A bit of that is good, but try too much confusion and people will lose interest. You might want to work on developing the plot a bit more as it is even hard to tell whether the narrator is a boy or girl or not. (Maybe said but I missed it, if so, I apologize.)

The writing style is also harder for me to interpret at the stage the story is in right now.
Please keep writing, and I'll see what I can do about reviewing!!



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Fri Sep 11, 2015 5:53 pm
kathryn wrote a review...



I'm going to give you a few grammar and spelling things that I saw first and then I'll tell you what I thought about it overall.

First, you have a misplaced single quote right at the beginning.

What am I gonna' do...

Instead of two question marks at the end of the thought make the last one an exclamation point so that he actually seems a little worried.

If he doesn't actually finish what he wants to say don't end the sentence.



There were a few sentences that were worded weird so I made a note of them and then just some suggestions of how it could be worded better.

What I was saying and the man laughed- saying before the man started laughing...

It's not safe but as if I had another choice- It's not safe but I don't have much of a choice

it's a prototype that measures people's IQ- it's only a prototype but it measures people's IQ

makes you in a more difficult spot- puts you in a more difficult spot



At one point you put an opening parentheses instead of a quotation mark at the end of your dialogue.


Overall:
This was a great second chapter and it definitely kept me hooked. and leaves the reader asking questions which is good because then they want to read the next chapters to find out who this mystery person is and whether or not this Golden Unit guy will take the inventor up on his offer to use the prototype of the IQ machine.

I think you should definitely continue this story. Just watch punctuation, grammar and spelling. Other than that your writing is really good.

Keep up the good work!




One says...


Thanks a lot. These remarks are really helpful .Please keep reviewing this . Your words give me courage :p :p




Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud